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Gasoline Now Luxury Item

(Houston) Processed petroleum has been reclassified as a luxury item placing the resource in the same category as caviar, furs, diamonds and fine champagne according to a newly formed government agency responsible for this kind of thing.

The identification of substances not affordable to the average consumer is a simple progression of economic reality according to the agency which operates within the confines of the Divine Right of Acquisition, based entirely on accumulated wealth.

“Now that gasoline has been listed with the elite, we hope people will stop bitching about prices and blaming the oil companies for price gouging,” said Darla Driller, a former IRS agent, now moonlighting with the public relations department at Exxon-Mobile. “Hardly anyone bitches when caviar jumps to $300 a pound or a condo cost two million.”

The announcement comes on the heels of figures released this month verifying that four major oil companies recorded a significant jump in profits this quarter compared to the same period in 2021. According to the documents filed with the United States Treasury Department Conoco-Phillips recorded a slight profit of 65% while Exxon-Mobile fell short with a paltry 43% profit margin. Also-rans British Petroleum and Royal Dutch claimed profits of just 36% and 34% respectively.

“It’s difficult to believe that the self-absorbed consumer could accuse these companies of gouging in the face of these statistics,” said Driller. “Don’t they realize that it costs money to deliver gas to the pump?”

In addition to the increased earnings the oil concerns will pay little or no tax due to reinvestment credits, exploration projections and boondoggle shelters set up by leading Republicans.

“These brave leaders are out to keep our plastic economy propped up while they suck it dry,” said Driller, “but then I’m the optimist in the pudding.”

“Poor people are just going to have to realize that gasoline, like caviar, is simply out of reach. If they want to go somewhere they’ll just have to walk or take the bus.”

– Fred Zeppelin