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Locally Composted Astrograph

If your birthday is today you have the right to remain solvent. Anything you say may be used against you in a quart of law. In addition, you have the right to your opinion. If you cannot afford such, one will be provided for you. Any quick movements such as reaching for your wallet to show ID, blinking your eyes and/or breathing may be construed as a threat to the arresting officers and you may be shot. Happy birthday and enjoy your freedoms.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Tin men and Scarecrows have the skinny on the subject of Cowardly Lions, but they are afraid to speak up. Spice up your life plan by driving over into the next county this weekend. Adventure awaits. Trust your instincts. With all those cows lounging around there’s no need to go hungry. Cattle rustling has entered the sacred realm of the dead language unless your blood alcohol level is over the limit.  You may find yourself shocked by man’s inhumanity to lunch meat and processed cheeses. Get over it. Tonight: Starting malicious fires is a felony.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Garden fairies will offer split pea soup in the afternoon. Watch out for finger food in the evening. Lowered expectations could raise eyebrows in some circles. A square deal may have a damaging escape clause. Sphere chukkas use back door. A lover’s triangle will exclude you at first but be patient as openings will occur from thyme to thyme. Diamond’s are a girl’s best friend. Putting a square peg in a round hole is merely an expression. Tonight: Now there’s a wall that’s just crying out for graffiti.  

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Too much hobnobbing can turn a person stone blind, but don’t despair. The loss of one sense will only increase the capacity of the others. If you intend to embrace mistakes at least make them silly mistakes. Check your blood sugar every 3,000 smiles. Always signal before changing attitudes. Time is far better spent in front of a mirror than in front of a firing squad. Trust what you see and only part of what you hear, especially when accompanied by a West Cork brogue. Tonight: Do something nice for erotic fish.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22) 

Sorry, your sign has been shipped to the Third World where wages are more in line with corporate thinking. The general rule of thumb is most notably determined by where one happens to stick it. There may be times today when you say too much and other times when you say too little. Why not just shut up altogether and give someone else a chance to access themselves? All the whining in the world will not produce the antidote for sour grapes. Tonight: Mascara stains highlight your third eye. 

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Stop making excuses for the shape of your head. Your white bread world is about to be invaded by whole wheat liberalism. Vital statistics escape you in the early morning. Romantically speaking your charm could lure the Scorpio right out of his shell but getting him back in could present a problem. Limit weekends to three days. A fool and his money don’t generally amount to much. If you stay on top you won’t be plagued by bottom feeders. Tonight: Quell house plant disturbances before retiring.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Just because someone earns more than you and occupies a more prestigious position than you doesn’t mean they are better than you, although the probability is likely. Examine the advantages to bouncing personal checks. When following a hunch be careful not to rear-end yourself on the process. With Mercury, the planet of the mind, retrograde in the rear-view mirror you may want to yield. No, honey, it’s too late for an Easter egg hunt. Tonight: Swelling should abate by dark.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

With a little detective work you could end up in jail. When all about you are losing their heads, change political affiliation. Let a smile be your granola. Although seriously lacking on the depth charts your ability to embrace the surface could keep you out of the hole through the 14th. Stand in line, make a reservation, enlist today – be an integral part of something special no matter how vague your dedication. You are only human, so please stay the hell out of first class or we’ll throw you off the plantain. Tonight: Launder security blankets.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

A romance could be kindled if only you had a light. Making a favorable impression may be aiming a bit too high. Why not settle for charitable coexistence. Truckling, groveling, kowtowing and cringing are not necessarily an end in themselves but rather a means to an end. Tokens of respect seldom work in the gum-ball machines of outrageous fortune. The narcissist does not toss and turn before sleep. A carp in wolf’s clothing is slimy and serves no apparent purpose. Tonight: Reject lucrative-sounding phone solicitations during daytime dramas. 

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Wearing your heart on your sleeve could get messy. Wearing your parachute upside down could be worse. There’s nothing retro about a good polka. Contemplate the historical significance if perchance Custer had checked his E-Mail before the Bighorn. What if Chief Joseph had been on-line? Does Fidel have a cell phone? Did Mark Twain automatically a card carrying Good Sam? How many Beanie Babies are enough? A complacent man makes a better target. Tonight: Secure in one’s own madness. 

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Making money always takes a back seat (pew) to matters of the spirit especially on Sunday mornings when people are watching. Get permission before thinking for yourself. Modesty needs no amplification but a big mouth is for everyone. Don’t let a tiny mind keep you out of the big time. Living in denial could be better than living in Utah. Endeavor to create a healthy mix of will power and won’t power. You are a scale model of perfection albeit the watered down version. Tonight: Sink or swim.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Tip the executioner but never, under any circumstance, pay the band up front. Don’t take anyone too seriously today especially yourself. Avoid someone else’s stress by keeping the blinders firmly about you. Take the initiative and a hasty retreat. Face the facts: You can’t afford luxuries such as canned soup and pasta. If your credit card limit is larger than your posterior you still have lots of shopping in you. Your fluid imagination has made a nest inside your checkbook. Tonight: Induce vomiting.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You are certainly a farce to be reckoned with. Never overestimate the power of personal contact. In conflicts regarding elbow room try to land on your feet. Don’t get too involved in the matters of today until tomorrow. A sleeping dog catches the worms. You are not misunderstood, you are disliked. Things aren’t really as bad as you may think but they could get worse before morning. Keep and open mind and a closed agenda. Tonight: There’s brilliance in solitude.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, alchemist, dog-handler, pawn of the elements, conjurer of friendly spirits

“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism 

by those who have not got it.”

– George Bernard Shaw