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NFL may introduce prima donna clause

(Denver) The National Football League is proposing an amendment to existing rules that calls for voluntary policing of player attitudes on and off the field of play. Teams may be called upon to control emotional outbreaks and limit rosters to only one “problem child”.

If the situation does not correct itself, the NFL will impose mandatory restrictions which set minimum maturity levels for participants. Since the existing conflicts lie within the wide receiver position, the league has stepped in and in some cases provided counseling to offending players.

“Owners have put together a staff of former 1950s players, who earned only a couple hundred dollars per game, to help at risk players survive these dark days of fame and fortune. A focus on team, integrity and honor will be integrated before each kickoff and judgment, taste and self-control reinforced in the locker room after each game.

“We don’t need some hot shot trying to steal the show with is mouth,” said one counselor. 

“The game has been hyped enough since many of us played. Today we see packs of trainers, cortisone shots and female analysts on the sidelines. When we played we were lucky to have a water boy, a shot of whiskey and a few broken down cheerleaders.”

Many players drafted by professional teams from the college ranks have not enjoyed the fruits of the American dream until signing a fat contract. The money goes to their head. The league is concerned that they have forgotten who pays the tab.

“I want to see these prima donna types out early at practice staying late in the weight room and signing autographs for the fans,” said one franchise spokesperson. You don’t see offensive lineman acting up. There’s no getting around it…Some of these guys are damn good but they need a non-flake personality to go with their talent. The great players have figured it out and generally have long, successful careers.”

The NFL will also undress the growing concern that players are often expendable and subject to life threatening injuries.

“We have found that players are more likely to suffer from dementia after countless hits and blows to the head,” said the owner. “The equipment is top-notch but after a few years the players are often worse for the wear.”

The source had no thoughts on why sports broadcasters were victimized by a similar malady. Stuck safely up in a press box, these talking heads rarely receive the sound beating they deserve, chatting mindlessly about the benefits of fundamentals, their brief playing days or the presence of a player’s mother in the stands.

“The careers of these young men are often short and must be spent on the right side of the ball,” said Rocky Flats, a Hall-of-Fame coach who now sells cars in Green Bay.

“A lot of these kids aren’t prepared to leave the street mentality behind but even a third-stinger can star for a prison team,” he said.

– Slim Tinkleholland