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Digital fly swatting discounted by judge

(Crested Butte) Claims by a former local newspaper that it can still be effective in the execution of bothersome  flies were denied by a circuit judge here. The presiding magistrate, citing the fact that the newspaper is now a website and thus has no impact ratio or torque ruled that a computer is incapable successfully swatting flies. 

She then concluded that could be prosecuted for fraud in that it insisted it could squash flies with the deadliness and regularity of the former newspaper. 

But rather than pursue the fraud conviction Judge Heather Barley declared a mistrial since not enough flies could be assembled to conduct a valid litmus test.

“It’s too cold for enough of them to be around now,” she said. “We will have to await until the new crop arrives in June to record sustainable data.”

Meanwhile the mysteries of cyber space remain out to lunch.

Despite what many see as temporary respite a growing number of readers have expressed frustration over these outrageous assertions and directives. Feeling duped or gullible after constant attempts to kill flies by osmosis or implied gravitational magic has left them wanting. 

“I’m sticking to the printed version,” said one longtime fan of the paper. “I just read it over and over then start again at the beginning of the month. The paper isn’t worth much but I got no damn flies. I just love to watch those techie boobs wrapping their heads around a pile of soggy fish and chips…while balancing their GPS device on their laps.”

-Fred Zeppelin

“The USA, where one can still wrest an enthusiastic response just by opening a burger stand.”

-Melvin Bedwetter Toole, food wagon