All Entries Tagged With: "FBI"

FBI Raids Cat Lady House

(Colona) A combined land and sea assault is in progress this morning targeting a notorious cat lady locale in downtown Mañana. Part of operation Feline Fandango, the feds will to storm and pacify roughly 400 known cat lady redoubts west of the Mississippi by 2022.  

These swoops have become necessary since local County Health office and Humane Society have been unwilling to come to the aid of county taxpayers. Many of these people are at risk of septic disease do to sick and unvaccinated animals. The condition remains critical at various coordinates throughout the Colorado Plateau and onto the Pacific..

The incursion included rounding up local tom cats —the after dark culprits in the population brinks. None of the tight-lipped agencies would say if legal action is in the wings but the demolition of contaminated adobes has already began.

“How assorted cat lady teams have survived in such gruesome and deteriorated conditions is beyond even the sickest imagination,” said one state health official who demanded anonymity. 

“Pets deserve to have a healthy life,” said the rogue health official. “These poor creatures are damned to an early death and all because of human retardation and shocking ignorance.

Upon completion of this daunting task FBI agents will begin deploying special nautical strike forces along 1000-square-miles of the Continental Shelf ocean floor. Their goal: Removal of an estimated 44,000 tons of discarded exercise equipment currently littering sediment-covered seabeds all the way to abyssal plains.

-Dag Katz