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EXPIRATION DATES DISCOVERED ON CONGRESSIONAL BOTTOMS

(Washington UPS) Summer interns, desperately filing abandoned bills and tabled legislation in Senate chambers, have uncovered what look to be tiny, barely discernible serial numbers on the bottoms of elected officials. The codes look to contain dates that might well warn of termination, conclusion or closure of some sort.

“Are they are not meant to operate after these dates,” asked one innocently dressed Congressional page. “Is there a safety issue at play here? A health risk?”

As our reader can certainly comprehend many of the pseudo-royalty that inhabit that hollowed workplace are scared to death that they will lose their cushy, benefit-laced jobs. These entitled insiders have bogged down the governing body so that it no longer governs, it just twitches at the polls and spits across the aisle every so often to see if anyone is paying attention.

Unlike the warning dates displayed on grocery items and cleaning products there were no refrigeration or storage instructions on the “overdue” politicians. The number and letter combinations are often scribbled illegibly (almost as an after thought) along the lower extremities, especially under the arms and on the bottoms of the feet. Other dates coincide with the money switch which accepts but doesn’t always record the fiscal benefits that go with the position and personal gifts acquired from admirers and favor seekers.

Some of the coded data even access coin slots that allow a supporter to make a discreet campaign contribution on the run. Others feature a digital date that shows up like a scratch lottery ticket.

“These designations clearly indicate that many Congressmen have overstayed their welcomes,” continued the intern, who shied away from giving his name for fear of reprisals against his family. “It’s no wonder nothing is accomplished. It’s like parking a fleet of old wrecks all over the highway and then wondering why the traffic is backed up.

For centuries lobbyists has attempted to distract from the data by pasting bright labels on otherwise dull packages. Another clever ploy borrowed from the detergent and cereal box marketers: “New” is often employed to mask the same old…same old that follows these “honorable” dinosaurs along to the bank and broker. 

And the march of a fragile and teetering contingent of incumbents doesn’t end there. Take the Supreme Court for instance: Clarence “Uncle”  Thomas weighs in at 74 years and Samuel Alito Jr., at 72 . Isn’t it high time these people call it quits?

“All members of the judicial and legislative bodies will be examined by medical and tattoo experts just as soon as we are finished running the Congress across the coals,” said Jerry Fuaaa, a former wannabe Representative, turned election saboteur, from the state of Bliss.  

“It is not only difficult to find the expiration dates under the long black robes of pomp and circumstance but I tell you they’er there,” he said, raising his voice to be heard over a group of school trip children in Washington to observe the gov’ment in action. 

“The allegedly indicting labels are sometimes difficult to decipher even within well-healed, well lit and well-intentioned assemblies. We have discovered a throng of what might be expiration dates adjacent to the imposed morality button, but is often blurred,” according to Fuaaa.

Term limits have bitten on us the posterior,” said the Bliss boneyard candidate, “It’s like welfare for the undeserving, security for the already wealthy. He then wandered off into further gilded thought – referencing the Spanish Inquisition, even though most of the historically challenged representatives in The House thought that was the name of an insurance company. 

-Tommy Middlefinger

“I don’t really want to do anything, I just want to own.”

– Gen. Worthington Bulbous, Military Industrial Complex