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DOW Nailed in Hibernation Conspiracy

(Gunnison) Rogue elements of the Colorado Division of Wildlife have been charged in connection with an alleged plot to drastically change animal behavior in the state. According to an ongoing investigation, several DOW officers have actively engaged in bullying, sleep deprivation techniques, antler boarding  and brainwashing in an attempt to convince deer and elk to hibernate or at least “make themselves scarce during the long winter months.

The unnamed suspects were reportedly put on work release with pay as of Friday.

Only last week officials within the squeaky clean organization stumbled across reeducation camps in San Juan and Ouray Counties and a large mass meeting site here, just north of town. Upon entering the camps DOW bosses expressed shock and dismay at radical methods employed such as forced tagging operations, constant bombardment by bad country music, harassment by aircraft and the separation of fawns from their mothers. The general living conditions were described as “deplorable”.

“They kept up the propaganda assault for the entire time we were there,” said Roxanne Rabbit, a high ranking official within the agency. “They tagged the entire herd and almost tagged me too and, to add insult to injury the animals were fed nothing but hay and water and were housed outside with no blankets with only small clusters of aspen trees for protection against the elements.”

Rumors circulating this camp suggest the employment of scare tactics such as the introduction of predators and broadcasts of weaponry discharging. The animals are in fragile shape according to another officer.

“While the concept of hibernation is not unlawful or immoral the deployment of such ruthless tactics shows a disdain for the beasts,” said the clearly shaken source.

Nothing in DOW regulations calls for, encourages or condones instructing mammals to abandon ancient instinctual patterns indigenous to a particular species.

“We don’t want the bear running around howling like coyotes or the badgers crashing skulls like Dahl sheep,” said Rabbit. “We have enough chaos in the forests with people all over the place without tainting our four-legged wards. I say leave them alone. Let the wolves be the wolves and the elk be the elk!”

As most readers already realize, fur-bearing animals hibernate during winter months while herd animals stay awake so as to eat sagebrush, be attacked by hungry mountain lions and run in front of vehicles during the colder months. 

“The deer and elk don’t need that much sleep and the entire program is a misuse of public funds,” said Rabbit. “One mounting concern has us focused on a shortage of caves. Where are they supposed to rut? What if they oversleep and miss the spring migration?”

Rabbit added that the deer and elk cannot possibly put on enough weight to subsist through the winter without a snack or two. 

“Even if they ate from non-stop from now until December they wouldn’t have much in reserve. They are far too hypersensitive and anxious,” she explained. “Sure, it might be a relief for us if we knew for sure that the deer and elk were fast asleep in their beds all winter but that just wouldn’t be natural. This whole seasonal progression was well entrenched before we took over. Before you know it these madmen  will be calling for trout to fly and eagles to play the flute.”

– Lawrence Elk

“I make used to make five bucks an hour working with emotionally disturbed children  while some other guy was knocking down three million for scooping up grounders and throwing them to first base.” – Melvin Toole, on the subject of baseball strikes and investment portfolios