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Vodka Nose Epidemic in Proportion Say Physicians

(Mao Clinic) Doctors here at this prestigious center of Western medicine, expressed concern today due to the rising incidence of Vodka Nose (probiscitus vodkatosis) in this country. The early stages of the medical condition, linked to the regular partaking of vodka concoctions, are not particularly dangerous but can be denigrating, giving birth to the unpleasant option of “cutting off one’s nose to spite his face.”

“Vodka Nose does not appear life threatening on its own although some of the symptoms can quickly develop into serious maladies,” said Dr. Simone Lacklustre, Director of Protruding and Copulatory Organs at Mao. “Plus it looks repugnant and unhealthy.”

Lacklustre described the condition as the swelling and abnormal growth of the nose often accompanied by purple skin shades and the presence of superficial or spider veins on the surface of the protuberance. She described the offensive blood vessels or arteries as having been artificially stimulated by the regular infusion of vodka to the system.

“Just because the vessels are not visible doesn’t mean the imbiber is above danger,” she continued. “We suggest that anyone who has ever taken a drink should come in for an exam, pay us a fee and start a gonzo pharmaceutical treatment plan. Then the person at risk will be officially under a doctor’s care and everything will be all right, unless of corpse they fall victim to the many side affects from the selected drugs.

The practitioner said herbal treatments, which she called voodoo, regular exercise and an organic diet will do nothing to cure Vodka Nose, and that drugs are the only path to good health in this, and every hygienic arena.

The preponderance of vodka nose in more advanced countries strongly suggests a relaxed attitude about this potentially disastrous disorder and a disregard for the symptomatology of the ailment. What may be the saddest aspect is that infirmity occurs from drinking a clear substance void of vitamins (sans lime) or nutrients of any kind. 

In developing countries many people would like to have Vodka Nose, or more realistically at least, to be able to afford the syndrome. Social scientists think that the perception of an upwardly mobile status and the willingness to adopt globalization account for much of this trend.

Strangely enough there appears to be a high incidence of the condition within Muslim and Mormon enclaves suggesting that members of these sects enjoy falling off the wagon on a daily basis, despite punitive responses by their micro-social networks. Both groups attempt to combat these visible irregularities by either growing beards, donning burkhas or riding around on bicycles with brief cases.

Ramifications for the future, according to Lacklustre, are harsh. She projects that half of the planet’s population could suffer from Vodka Nose by the end of the century. With potato crops (and grain crops) booming in Poland and Russia and the absence of nutritional standards, Vodka Nose could become commonplace on continents like Africa and parts of Asia, with the coming of modernization. In addition, the recent dominance of the burger and fries mentality will undoubtedly lead to a more frightening disease, dubbed “Fast Food Nose”, which is directly linked to brain damage and the inability to make the right choices as to what is introduced to the body. 

Dr. Pepper Nose was not discussed by Lacklustre.

Other doctors are less gloom and doom in their approach. They say one or two drinks per day may be beneficial. One prescription widely circulated in North America instructs enthusiasts to “take a break occasionally” and substitute whiskey or gin for vodka “every third day or so.” They are quick to add that unused portions of vodka can be employed as paint or nail polish remover in a pinch.

– Big Nose Kate