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Denver seizes Rockies in Keystone Feat

(Greeley) The City and County of Denver, reportedly tired of bad baseball and shoddy management  in an uproarious baseball town has formally seized the assets and daily operations of the National league West’s basement team, the Colorado Rockies.

In what has been called “an appropriation”, high ranking, city hall officials contend that “the current performances at Coors Field and in stadiums around the country are causing irreparable damage to baseball and are sullying the image of Colorado.”

They say the culture of losing is thwarting the normal athletic development of local youth and pissing-off grandmothers and irritating grandfathers.

The dire action has been expected for some time. The drastic step of commandeering the team was engineered from the very beginning with anger and finally boycott of all things Rocky until the Greeley Meat People are forced out of the grim picture.

“It’s less a pugnacious, belligerent seizure, more a peaceful acquisition, with its share of drama, Socrates to Shakespearean,” said an official press release from the mayor’s office.

Already the entire Rockies’ infield has embraced vegetarianism in a passive-aggressive protest against bad trades and poor decisions going back to the DJ LeMahieu – Daniel Murphy fiasco. The Nolan Arenado and Trevor Story bungling was the final straw.

“These carpetbagger feed lot buddies don’t care bout the fans or building a competitive team. They only care about profits. It is painfully clear that there were no new agendas developing,” said the source. “We looked down the road and saw no attempts to remedy the disaster or willingness to sustain solid acquisitions on the horizon.”

The gov’ment officials say a turn around may take some time but that improvements would be clearly visible from day one. Several stockholders welcomed the news agreeing that the Monforts would not be missed. Whispers on South Broadway confirmed chatter that the team would be run by the city and county until an appropriate buyer can be isolated. Already several baseball entities have come forward and expressed interest.

The ledgers look good even if the scorecard does not. The franchise is clearly a gold mine for the right ownership group.

NL Officials, stunned by the swift, bloodless  takeover are calling it a Coup d’ Diamond. This confiscation (Some call it an official condemnation) is the first of its kind in any major professional sport. Even hacks such as Al Davis or George Steinbrenner were sent packing this way. 

The former lackluster management, reportedly held at an undisclosed location near the Wyoming frontier, is awaiting future assignment somewhere in the bush league.

And Denver could be baseball town again.

– Rocky Flats

“Almost nothing trickles down, fools. The rich hoard it. Why do you think the sky is so blue? Why do you think their kids are rich?” – Henny Penny in It’s Trickling Down Your Leg and Other Poems