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Leftover Defense Funds to Fix Streets

(Gunnison) Recently discovered coffers, once earmarked for the defense of Gunnison from a Rebel onslaught during the American Civil War will be used to repair many of the town’s back streets, a city source confirmed today. The annual road construction is set to begin at midnight on Thursday.

This year’s effort will feature dawn to dusk asphalt drops compliments of the Flying Aces of Fort Carson in Colorado Springs. The drops will occur every half hour between Denver and Rio Grande Avenues north of the rodeo grounds all the way to Tomichi Heights. Persons who simply must be in the area during the month of July should be paying particular attention to the skies.

“A little care exercised today could be all the difference,” said one road supervisor. “We don’t want anyone getting hit with 100 yards of asphalt dropped from 300 feet in the air, or is that 300 yards of asphalt dropped from 100 feet,” he said. “We’re suggesting that the entire stretch be designated a hard hat area just in case.”

Flame retardant asphalt mixed with magnesium chloride and able-bodied crews from local insane asylums will then spread other hardly hazardous materials out. This phase of the work is scheduled to be completed by Valentine’s Day, 2004.

One official vehemently denied reports that the spruce up had anything to do with the Hell’s Angels picnic slated for late July.

The bankroll for the project, found in a tunnel near the once magnificent LaVeta Hotel, was comprised of silver certificates, gold coinage and Confederate currency is on deposit at the Who’s On First National Bank in Pitkin, so as to avoid favoritism in town. It will reportedly be sold off to collectors as the project nears completion. Visiting hours are 9 am to 3 pm unless it rains.

Then we’ll get to Blue Creek Canyon.

– Rex Montaleone

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