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Voting By Credit Card Nets Benefits

(Washington) Voters preferring to avoid the polls this November can cast their vote by using any major credit card. When they do, they are in line for a variety of perks such as free air miles, discounts on groceries and cash advances in the former of mythical democracy.

Although it does not cost money to vote, at least the part when one journeys behind the little curtain, the electorate can keep tabs by using the plastic. Major political parties can then award each voter based on his selections. Voting a one party ticket can save up to 50% on car rentals and stack up valuable miles on participating airlines. Campaign workers, generally not paid a salary for their labor, will not have to wait for to be appointed to ambassadorships and political spoils positions like before. Now they can gain incentives right away.

“We had a guy manning the phones during the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries a few years back and he had to wait six months before being appointed to a federal judgeship,” said one party boss. “Now the same guy would gain all kinds of benefits instantly. We think this will motivate our affiliates by good ol’ American greed and know-how.”

Originators of the plan say that if a voter is active enough he could see himself ascending to a mayorship or warden of a private prison just by accumulating credit points.

“It’s just like the electoral college manipulating the actual votes of citizens,” said the same source. “Why we go to the charade of counting votes is insane. It’s almost as ridiculous as tabulating the statistics derived from the traveling census circus.”

In addition to this development the Biden camp has announced a Presidential Sweepstakes which will award one lucky voter over a million dollars after the mid-term elections. The voter will not be expected to purchase magazine subscriptions but rather simply prove he voted the right way.

“We’ll just take the prize out of their campaign chest which, according to all indications is still overflowing with cash,” said the spokesman. 

Meanwhile in the House a Guess the Pentagon Budget program, which would pay big dividends in the primaries, is reportedly in the works.

Political animals all over the country are quick to admit that these approaches may not quell voter apathy but could make voting more fun.

“We don’t bet on the elections like we do football, at least not now,” said one Senator. “It’s high time we modify the notion that the voting booth is one big confessional of democracy and get on with the crowning of the puppet kings.”

– H.L. Menoken