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“If elected I will go to Mars” says Commissioner Candidate

(Lake City, CO) The Hinsdale County Commissioners race in 2022 is heating up with the incumbent promising star roving and the challenger urging voters to herald the town into the 21st century.

Resonating the words of then Presidential candidate Dwight D. Eisenhower regarding a visit to the war zone that was Korea 1951, Toole looked like he had just taken a bite out of someone.

“If elected I will go to Mars!” he exclaimed again just so everyone could hear him.

Paula Parvenu, a retired osteopath and competition for the coveted county position mocked Toole, saying that she would rather stay in county and help the residents here. Readers may recall Parvenu’s tearful concession speech following a painful  one vote defeat in the County Coroner race in 2020. 

“I realize I am a bit of a neophyte but I am quite sure that solar system treks and small town politics don’t mix well.”

“I’d say the Martian enthusiasm was split down the middle with half of the registered voters impressed with Toole’s courage and willingness to to strike out into the great beyond,” stressed one election monitor. “The other half simply want him to leave town for whatever reason he chooses in his jumbled consciousness.”

“Why Mars?”asked Toole defensively. “Less controversial than Israel or Taiwan. Closer than Neptune. “The moon is passé. Everyone is doing that.”

His own grapefruit powered spice module with a henway launcher was crafted in the Black Hills from old motorcycle parts and a discarded copper still.

“At first Toole threatened to ride his Gold Wing but aides calmed him down.,” said the former commissioner. “Then he volunteered to be shot from a canon duplicating countless success stories from his earlier circus days.”

The key here, according to the local prattle is that Toole says he is going someplace. Any place. The destination is secondary. 

“The electorate hears the sound byte, stores it within the twisted wires and well-worn fears and generational opinions, spits out a poorly though out preamble and then forgets the matter entirely.”

-Slim Gulione

Parts of this report were extracted from the first draft of the popular String Bikinis on the Ganges, A Memoir
by Melvin Bedwetter Toole, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.