Supervivientes como Elkton

(Crested Butte) Un grupo de supervivencia ha incluido a la comunidad de Elkton en su lista de las diez ciudades más habitables de Estados Unidos según Assault Life, una publicación de culto del norte de Idaho. Elkton recibió su nombre debido a su clima agradable, su composición étnica, accesibilidad en invierno y proximidad a una importante zona de esquí del tercer mundo.

      Las ciudades no califican para este honor porque apoyen a un grupo sobre otro o porque hayan expresado aprecio por una orientación política o social determinada. Están incluidos en esa lista debido a su potencial previsto para capear una crisis militar. El almacenamiento de alimentos y armas, así como la privacidad para llevar a cabo las tareas de defensa, también fueron consideraciones importantes en la votación.

      El grupo que se hace llamar The Lighter Shade of Pale Brotherhood clasificó a Elkton, ubicado a unas siete millas al norte de aquí, en Washington Gulch, como el número tres en su registro anual. Venciendo a Elkton quedaron Deadhorse, Alaska (primero) y Ouelette, Maine (segundo). Otras comunidades que recibieron reconocimiento entre las cinco primeras fueron Grand Isle, Louisiana; Rexford, Montana y Orkney, Saskatchewan, como Pale Brotherhood, dejan mucho que desear en los campos de las matemáticas y la geografía.

Autumn Majesty near Ohio Pass

Castle Mountain sees its first snow of the season

That’s why they call it red, Fred

Red Mountain snapped from Brown Mountain in the San Juans

Bottle Shoot Canned

(Lake City) The popular wine bottle shoot, traditionally held the day following the Lake City Wine and Music Festival will not take place this year due to concerns that it conflicts with the image of clean living and gourmet wine tasting. For the past three years the apres-festival target practice has entertained clean-up crews and titillated the general public.

“We’re not saying we won’t hold the event we’re just saying we won’t hold it on the day after our festival,” said promoters. “Most likely we’ll just save all the bottles and shoot them at the annual Hunter’s Ball in the autumn.”

Concerns that a massive target practice in Town Park is not in keeping with the image of a legitimate wine event, organizers have sought to distance themselves from what is seen as barbarian in some circles.

“Most of our friends turn out for the shoot and we feel it might be in the interest of the festival to distance ourselves from them too,” the principles went on.

“A lot of us are pretty darned disappointed in the cancellation,” said one Spar City marksman, “but we’ll get over it over time.”  

– Merv Ditchwater 

(editor’s comment: The creatrors of this website have no information on whether or not this event is still slated and why. There is questionble value and quite possibly minimal truth in the above news piece. We just liked the headline.)

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him. It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

Some insects, like flies give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient must insects leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet. 

– Sergio Jingles

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: 

Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall. Don’t miss it!

Unnamed Peaks the Shame of the San Juans

(Ridgway) Abandoned to the elements from their tottering perches, bastards of convenience, tinkers of history, forgotten rocky remnants without so much as a tag of respectability. These are the nameless mountain peaks haunting our Southwest Colorado skyline. A wall of shame for all to see.

Labeled an embarrassment by every office seeker, civic leader and mountaineer, little has been accomplished to improve the status of these so-called “anonymous ones”. In fact, the subject remains an ultra-sensitive quagmire, often overlooked in the face of more demanding duties and the daily errands of Alpine survival, one not often introduced in polite circles. Hush-hush, you know.

Many residents say the problem could be put to rest by simply naming all the nameless peaks but this has been largely dismissed by purists who insist the names must distill like fine single-malt or cure like a Serrano ham. They say the names will mean nothing if concocted to fit a meaningless bill of fare. Quick-fix solutions are “phony and transparent”, they insist.

“The nomenclature of these sacred mountains must distill like fine single-malt or cure like a Serrano ham,” say the more literate assembled. “Branding these massive monolyths is not something to do half-ass. What of posterity? What of topographics?”

“It’s just whitewashing,” said Colonel (retired) Wilbur “Bull” Bulbous of Log Hill Mesa. “We who look fondly on these high points each day do not take their identity lightly. They should all have names but there must be lore — Meat behind the moniker and history behind the handle. These mountains must be celebrated, not simply be appointed, not dubbed.”

At present, several rather large peaks are cursed with a severe personality crisis. They are not victims of identity tampering since they never had a name in the first place. Yes, the Utes may have christened some of these unfortunates, but over time those ancient titles were trampled by prospector nicknames and mining routes established by mules and muckers.

“Astonishing,” said one alpineer upon return from the Wilson Range. “These giants just sit there deprived of verbal recognition, hidden genetics, even the most basic geological categorization.”

According to the most recent tally there are 38 named peaks in the San Juan Range, 14 unnamed, and an assortment of demeaning letter designations as well as a flurry of unhinged reference points all above 12,000 feet. In some places multiple pinnacles reach into the sky without names. Sometimes several mountains are clumped together with little hope of determining when and where continental plates might have collided, creating them.

“It’s a disgrace,” added other hikers and binocular enthusiasts. “They have been sentenced as infinite nobodies in a world that has forgotten the Paleozoic. It is nothing short of a snub.”

While Uncompahgre and Wilson Peak get constant accolades many deserving peaks in the San Juans do not even have a name to call their own   (Toole Photo Service)

This sedimentary emergency is painfully acute in the more affluent escarpment that accommodates such massif monsters as Sneffels and Uncompahgre along those distinct ridge lines. Here stand clustered cliffs of sheer, sacred rock like cloisters of empty tenement housing or wind beaten, top-heavy sloops, half-sunk in a teeming celestial harbor.

Here stand clustered cliffs of sheer, sacred rock like cloisters of tenement housing or wind beaten, top-heavy sloops, half-sunk in a celestial harbor. 

We warn of failing infrastructure and ignore the pains of abandonment in our own backyards — We miss the magnificent tundra and overlook the splendor, not even exhibiting the common decency to give that mesmerizing rock a name. 

“Repulsive”, added a well-groomed hiker who has been in these hills at least once. “Where is the transcendence and spiritual  elevation?”

How dare we dismiss these gods, these steep, snow-capped luminaries. Where is our morality and sense of fair play? What about our obsession with justice for the underdog? 

We fail to recognize greatness that stares one in the face every day. How can we, in our haste to name computer functions,  and master corporate lingo, turn our backs on the natural pillars of an entire mountain range? These mountains have seen us come and go, not even as a novelty anymore. None seeks acclaim in a human sense, just a little notoriety.

– Uncle Pahgre