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Picnic News

Humans engaged in the tradition of outdoor picnicking this summer are warned to be on the lookout for illegal Ecuadoran monkeys making off with their goods. Unattended baskets, drinks, even cutlery are often the target of hungry, roving primates looking for easy prey.

And if the monkeys aren’t enough, the ant population has been busy massing for a final assault on outdoor eaters. The little insects are persistent and unafraid often making the feast a tedious experience with their constant crawling and snatching of edibles, especially sweets. The best way to avoid these creatures is to keep everything sufficiently covered and out of their path until dinner time.

Maybe a visiting relative can be put in charge of security. They can stand watch and perform other simple tasks as well even if they are from the flatlands. In addition, researchers have found that relatives are easier digested out of doors than in the confines of the family home.

 Have a great time out there with potato salad and watermelon but always remember that the outdoors can present dangers unknown in the kitchen. Just ask the Cahone man who severed two fingers trying to open a plastic mustard jar up at Never Sink.  

-Lourdes Parvenu

“One should never fall in love but rise to the occasion.”   – Nancy Griffith

Horseshoe Denied Flight License

(Blue Creek Canyon) The San Juan Horseshoe will not be offering pilotless glider flights over Blue Creek Canyon according to Gunnison County Commissioners. The summer adventure, prompted by the construction and partial closure of Highway 50 through the scenic canyon, had been scheduled to begin June 5.

Sources at the Horseshoe told reporters that the service was a sure bet and at a reasonable $60 per head beat sitting in traffic or driving an hour out of the way along the North Rim of the Black Canyon.

“We had it all mapped out right down to the landing zones and the parachutes,” said one disappointed neophyte who plans to initiate guided ice fishing trips this winter. “If it would have been C-DOT’s idea it would have been approved.”

The State of Colorado has tentatively okayed a sophisticated system of seasonal bamboo zip lines that run from the top of the Alpine Plateau to the Anthracite Range. Sadly, this route does little to relieve the traffic clogging in the canyon.

Meanwhile many local residents think the construction was a bad idea considering an economy still reeling from Covid-19. Truckers, venders, tourists and many others are already hard pressed to keep agendas straight and products on the move.

Others, who promise “to stand our ground like Leonidas at Thermopylae” plan to boycott Blue Creek Canyon until their demands are met. 

They eventually plan the construction two hotels, on each side of the canyon for people who didn’t read the website. (Pending permit)

“The entire construction project is about as worthless as a tuba in a cowboy quintet,” quipped Earl MacAdoo, a hall-of-fame sheepherder from Sapinero who halt the project by undisclosed means on the Fourth of July.

“If we had the water we could just fold the place,” he laughed. “That’d show them.”

MacAdoo joins a growing chorus of people who feel that Highway 550 from Montrose to Ouray deserved prime attention and that the Blue Creek Canyon Project is just bureaucratic bungling.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“I’d trip my own mother if she was rounding third to score against us.” – Leo The Lip Durocher, who managed the Brooklyn Dodgers, the New York Giants and the Chicago Cubs.