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Colona Demands Variance

Designated clairvoyants in Colona are demanding a variance calling for relocation of Colona and a rewind of Highway 550. They say the increased intrusions of the modern world are a threat to the fragile and protected Wildcat Creek Cultural Zone — past, present and future.

“We need to distance ourselves from deep state asphalt, traffic noise, chuckholes, rogue moose, cheeky flatlanders  and shallow thinking on these matters,” snapped a Committee for Public Safety member. “We won’t rest until the powers that be in the county lend an era to our undertaking.” 

“Any diversion as to the quantity equal to the square of the standard deviation could set off a mad skedaddle for safety nets,” said a county official. “Do you think we’re just gonna sit here and let our black sheep cousin dictate policy?”

Colona is now officially at variance with other hamlets, real and imagined, in the region. 

“CDOT Maps and documents are not cohesive with Uncompahgre topo maps or what the river does in the middle of the night when everyone is fast asleep,” explained the architect of the specified variance* requests. “After a century of digging there may be man-made cirques, deep shafts and meandering stope excavations under the whole valley. What happens when it all caves in? Colona seeks to be on the right side of history here.”

“If we can’t get the attention of them up in Ouray we’ll join the West End,” he cranked. “That’ll fix their wagons.”

– Uncle Pahgre

 Former Nuggets sixth man, Bruce Brown, is slated to earn $44 million on a two-year contract with the Pacers: $100,000 to play basketball the remaining salary ($43,900,000 for living in Indianapolis).

“Basically the purpose of life is happiness.” 

                                                               – Dalai Lama

*A variance is a way that cities may allow an exception to part of a zoning ordinance. It is a permitted departure from strict enforcement of the ordinance as applied to a particular piece of property. A variance is generally for a dimensional standard (such as setbacks or height limits). A variance allows the landowner to break a dimensional zoning rule that would otherwise apply.