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Millionaire Christians Meet

(Ridgway) The first ever meeting of the Christian Millionaires Club was held here last night attracting an assortment of the righteous who have managed to acquire vast sums of money and now seek to nail down their eternal salvation.

Among the subjects discussed was the purchase of Ridgway Town Park, the termination of local liquors licensing, sending out mass mailings, a whitewashing of the town’s historic church and what to do with people who refuse to embrace certain philosophies.

“If these pagan elements would simply open up to the bigger picture I’m sure they’d see the advantages of joining our cult,” said Charla Tinn a spokesman for the club. “We host hay rides, bonfires, book burnings and bring in lots of Christian talent. Let’s face it, we have all the money and will soon be having the only fun.”

Tinn, a former recreational drug enthusiast from Southern California, says she was saved on the street in Hollywood back in 1994. Thanks to a strong resolve and plenty of inherited family money she kicked heroin and found religion. She moved to Ridgway the next year.

“Our club is open to everyone…not just millionaires. Billionaires too are welcome to our ministry as is anyone with a missionary commitment, just so long as they can pay their dues.”

Tinn went on to say that her membership saw no conflict in supporting Israel and adhering to the Christian way of life.

“It’s either us or them,” she waffled. “Didn’t you ever read the Old Testament. I’ve got it here on Univision in my Lexus.”

Following the meeting a reporter asked whether the late prophet Jesus Christ, the man whose philosophies the group claims to follow, could afford membership in their elite group.

 “He probably could have joined but he kept giving away all his cash. Maybe we could have found him a sponsor among our multitudes.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe