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China to send aid to Puerto Rico

(San Juan) In what leaders in the US are calling “provocative action” the People’s Republic of China has pledged to send disaster relief to the island of Puerto Rico, an unincorporated territory of the United States.

Despite the saber rattling in Washington, China is stockpiling food, water and computer parts destined for the weather-riddled Caribbean colony that has received little or no “up north” help since the days of Donald Trump and Hurricane Nicole.

“We see an opportunity to extend our influence in the Caribbean,” said a Chinese news release, “and are responding to our humanitarian sense of justice. The United States has dropped the ball and we are simply kicking it onto the beach again.”

It was not clear if the gesture would provoke positive response on the part of the US or if an ongoing global feud would once again leave the needs of the populace in the dust.

Meanwhile locals say that any help would be appreciated and hoped for egg roles and installation instructions in Spanish, the common language on the island. 

“We remind China of the protectorate it never has had,” said one victim of tropical storms who has yet to receive a thatched roof that was promised back in 2021. “My name is Monroe and my doctrine is a simple one: Talk is cheap. Building supplies are not,” he said.

-Pepper Salte

“…Report us fairly

how we slaughter

for the common good”

–Seamus Heaney in “Kinship”