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American Cheese Slice Survives 100 Years

(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties at the Croatian Club on Friday afternoon.

“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some a nominal cash prize for his startling discovery.

Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers are comfortable consuming foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese could last 100 years,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture. 

According to the undisclosed maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.

“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like the fare here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else for dinner.”

– Jolly Pena

“Maybe a convoy is going to come together in Algeciras (and) spend the winter in Africa, the hot sun on your bony little pagan arses. Lovely.”  – Charlie Redmond in Night Boat to Tangiers by Kevin Barry