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Designated Barbecue Zones Explained

(Montrose) In an attempt to reduce charcoal emissions in the Uncompahgre Valley a strict design for designated barbecue days has been formulated for the good of us all. The system has been implemented so as to check smoke pollution and encourage general safety around the grill this summer.

This how it works:

     Residents and visitors whose names begin with letters A – L will be permitted to legally barbecue on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, while persons whose named begin with the letters M – Z will be restricted to cooking out on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Sundays are open dates when everyone can barbecue since there is diminished pollution from commercial vehicles and industry in this fragile valley that day. The sponsors of this legislation acknowledged that the program limits the culinary enjoyment of the great outdoors but feel that cleaner air will result.

     “We suggest that the citizenry construct a simple chart that clearly defines legal days to cook outside,” said Evelyn White-Fumo, of the Colorado Clean Air Consortium in Boulder. “If the dates are marked in red there should be no reason for confusion. We even have little red pens to give away complete with our logo and an emergency number in case of problems.”

     The plan, called innovative by proponents and stupid by detractors is being enacted despite the failure of other similar programs. The pilot zone concept has worked well in the flatlands but never really took off at higher altitudes.

     “It’s a cultural thing,” continued White-Fumo, “since the season up here is shorter and people feel the need to take advantage of the wham-bam summer season.”

– Sergio Tinkleholland