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with Rex Montaleone

FCEOA Pushes For Ethics Major

     The local chapter of Future CEOs of America has petitioned Western State College to include an ethics major in its 2003 curriculum. The course of study, which would fall under the awning of the business department, would be specifically aimed at churning out honest graduates, with strong moral fiber and a sense of right and wrong.

     “We feel that a student who is exposed to honor will respond,” said one proponent of the study. More and more corporate interests are beginning to the advantage to doing business on the up and up. Just look at all the corporations that have become environmentally conscious. The days of smoke and pollution are limited, especially since we sent all of our manufacturing south of the border.”

     A decision on the matter is expected as early as Tuesday when state regents and faculty advisors return from a trip to Alamosa where they have been trying to squeeze operating funds out of Adams State College for lawn maintenance here at Western.

Missing Class Met with Cane

     Students who miss class this fall could be caned, not canned as previously reported. According to Dean of Discipline, Margot Rotweiller, any student who misses class will be denied Taco Bell privileges, weekend passes and access to athletic events. In addition punch cards for use on the high-speed quad train will be revoked. Continued abuse will result in painful caning in front of Taylor Hall.

     “We have no intention of canning (expelling) any student,” said Rotweiller, considering all the trouble we went through to get them to come here in the first place. The Horseshoe paper should proofread its stories before publication. Maybe a few whacks in the right direction might get some attention over there as well.”

     Rotweiller went on to explain that it is college policy to see that all students, especially freshmen, attend all scheduled classes. She admitted that mandatory laps and standing in the corner had little or no effect on such feckless behavior last semester.

     “We consider consciousness to be an integral part of the college experience,” she snapped, “and snoozing will not be tolerated either.”

     At present most professors do take roll call and are quite proficient at throwing erasers at and kicking the desk legs of chronic offenders.

Cell phones added to list of banned items

     Cell phones, chewing gum, and Catcher in the Rye head the list of items banned on campus this autumn. Joining such long-held taboos on such accessories as grenade launchers and neon signs, the new additions have created quite a controversy.

     The annoying phones were prohibited in an unanimous vote by the Academic Interdiction Board last week sending students into a tailspin. Although the phones are forbidden on campus they are quite legal anywhere else in down. Already several cell phone labs have sprouted up where students are offered internet access, faxing and cell phone lounges.

     Chewing gum, a culprit since grade school, was added to the banned list when maintenance personnel demanded overtime pay in May. Chewing tobacco or the cud was not effected at press time.Caulfield

     It comes as no surprise to anyone that the controversial novel Catcher in the Rye is also on the no-no list. Conservative religious groups and right-wing interests reportedly fear the book because they don’t understand it. They say the main character, Holden Caulfield, is too close to reality and does not provide a good example to students. They suggest a tumble with a classic sociopath like Sebastian Dangerfield in The Gingerman instead.

     In closing, there is some good news as reported by the American Civil Liberties Union: The much hated Student Helmet Law has been rescinded and replaced in part with the far less stringent Hip Boots Law, which promises to be quite a boon in such departments as political science and sociology.

History Department Refutes Origin of Cheeseburger

     The Western State history department has formally disproved once accepted theories on the origin of the cheeseburger, not of Manifest Destiny as was reported by this newspaper. The academias did not undress controversies related to catsup, mustard or dill pickles as far as we know. It was not clear if the committee would comment on philosophies of national expansion or on rumors that the presence of molybdenum is connected to the high rate of gout in the region.