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Bingo Treatment Center Opens Today

(Montrose) The region’s first bingo treatment center has scheduled an open house for this afternoon. Located in the abandoned Wal-Mart building on South Townsend Avenue, the diversionary sports/recovery complex has been praised as both a recycling marvel and a boon to urban renewal efforts.  

Encouraging both potential patients and interested parties to attend, the medical staff will present a wide selection of prescribed treatment programs both out-patient and full care. Civic leaders, expected to be in attendance, hope the opening will encourage further growth in compliance with the intricate masterplan for the grandjunctification of the Uncompahgre Valley.

The facility, officially named St. Roscoe’s Bingo Rehabilitation Hub, after the patron saint of bingo and RVs, has been bankrolled with cash confiscated from illegal lottery operations/surplus DUI funds, and thanks to a grant from the Native American Consortium of Gambling Casinos and Golf Courses in Colorado and New Mexico. In addition, addicts on scholarship will sell bingo cards door-to-door here in order to raise additional operating capital for field trips and the like.

Its 40-bed recovery area features a veteran staff made up of medical personnel, sociologists, missionaries, psychologist, many recovering bingo addicts themselves. Shock treatment will take place solely at night and always under the strict supervision of authorized bingo callers. A full time alchemist is slated to be on duty 24 hours per day. Physical therapy, hypnotism and those magic crystals are to be prescribed only in the most chronic cases. 

The help center, in compliance with city ordinances, is non-smoking but a system of sealed off lounges offering bad coffee, grocery check-out periodicals, card tables and ash trays will grace both the B-29 and R-16 suites, where smoking is permitted.

“We want to thank the entire community for supporting this progressive approach to ending bingo guilt and perversion,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, head cardiologist at the clinic. After all, bingo abuse should not be classified as a mental illness. Think of all the money we could save if we stopped punishing addicts as criminals.”

Lackluster says the goal of the center is to provide the community with healthy, motivated bingo players upon release.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Local parrot to call bingo finals

Local parrot to call bingo finals

(Hooverville) With a voice as crisp as falling eucalyptus leaves, a red-sided eclectus parrot named Moses will once again call the 187th Annual Western Executive Bingo Finals here August 6 through 19.

Although he often plays several side cards and wins an excessive amount of the time, Moses remains a local favorite with board enthusiasts. Pruning his feathers, Moses calls the combinations and allows ample time for even the most challenged player to scan his card and respond appropriately.

The parrot speaks very clearly and annunciates with the best of them. Episodes of misunderstanding and defaults are almost non-existent when he holds the reins in the bingo cage. He also speaks Spanish, French, Quechua and Huelgoat (Britany) Gaelic, just in case.

When someone shouts Bingo! Moses gets all worked up, often flying around the room and dive-bombing unsuspecting players while screeching at the top of his once-tropical lungs.

At Club Marmot, his familiar weeknight haunt, the Jingo Bingo Jackpot sits at 6 million dollars as of last night. Moses is expected to be on hand to call the last five letters and numbers and award the prize. Technically domesticated, the bird still bites when exited and most be restrained and guided as to proper bathroom etiquette and wall chewing. 

“This parrot, like most of his species, suffers from spurious gas attacks,” said handler Keno Karuba. “I have to surgically cork him before public events, otherwise the little fella can really stink up a hall. I remember a night in Moline when he called bingo after a Unitarian sock hop. He almost knocked himself off his little perch. I’d swear his voice was an octave higher after that one.” 

From Hillsboro, Grenada, Moses honed his oratory/auditory verbal skills in Imagonagetcha Parish, Louisiana, the home of world-famous bingo callers that ply their trade all over the globe. Hearing that there was an acute shortage of bonafide bingo callers in the Rockies he moved to Colorado in 1995 with the Karuba family. 

“His coonass dialect has always been a hit with the newly arriving Californians in so many bingo halls and shanties in these parts, quacked Karuba.

Also known as psittacines, parrots come in roughly 398 species, although many are endangered. A 40-year life span is normal, while the owlish Kakapo can live up till 80.

At first, imitating human words and sounds is cute and clever according to a slew of parrot and bird lovers, but the relentless parrot chatter gets old fast. Moses will continue to call bingo long after everyone has relinquished his cards. He is said to go all night long and into the dawn unless one puts the cover over his cage. 

Moses and the refined Bingo call

“B-49 seems to be his most favorite combination. He says it all the time,” Karuba confessed, “followed by G-16.”

Molly Etchabarron who has won over 3 million dollars playing bingo locally since 1952 and has spent little of the loot. She prefers to personally escort her winnings through the front door of Lords of Boards Rest Home, a secure station for captured rooks, squandered monopoly fortunes, cribbage castaways and broken backgammon barons. BGR Home has recently expanded, offering counseling and shock treatments for recovering crossword puzzle addicts and late-night weegie board trollers.

“Imagine the kind of moron that would encourage a parrot to call bingo games,” said Etchabarron, “when pets such as goldfish and ferrets contribute to one’s inner peace. I bring my Oranda goldfish, Earl, to Tuesday night bingo/casserole night and he hasn’t a clue as to what is transpiring inches away from his portable tank.”

-Puffington Budgie