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“Ancient Bones” Not What they Seem

(Gunnison) What at first appeared to be the bones of an Anasazi warrior, has turned out to be no more than petrified biscuits and gravy according to archaeologists here. The dig, centered in a now off-limits acre of the W Mountain Complex, will continue for another five years in the hopes of discovering more.

Scientists, who have been carefully extracting pieces of the puzzle from the rocky soil above, were not thwarted by the laboratory findings.

“We have become accustomed to frustrations out here in the field,” said one digger. “Why just last year in Delta we thought we’d exhumed an ancient Ute canning operation but it turned out to be an abandoned 1947 Plymouth.”

Sources at Western State University insist that the dig continue, adding that artifacts lend credence to theories that the Anasazi were not able to manipulate cholesterol levels and that, in short, they generally ate whatever ran across their path and some what didn’t.

 Although the quality and taste of the biscuits and gravy will not be known until the lab report is completed, conjecture here has it that the Ancient Ones made their own buttermilk biscuits and concocted a sort of gravy from roots,  buffalo milk and the excesses of smoked sausage.

“How primitive,” said one archeologist.

After primary examination, the content of the gravy seems to match up with the consistency of a favorite trench mortar used to construct the Cliff Palace at Mesa Verde. This theory too, will be subject to the laboratory report.

“A regular diet like this may lead us to answers that have eluded us in the past,” said one scientist, “and once and for all determine the actual demise of an entire civilization.”

Tourists are asked to stay clear of the excavation site until about 2040.

– Melvin Bedwetter O’ Toole