RESOLUTIONS AND MORE

“We’ll be in Richmond by summer or I’ll eat Mr. Lincoln’s hat.”

-General George B. McClellan, Army of the Potomac, January 1, 1862.

“I promise to spare no expense on research and stop relying on fragile embellishments and outright lies to earn a paycheck.”  – Melvin Toole, minor scribe

If you missed New Year’s Resolution season again don’t despair— this is not one of those stupid resolution columns. It’s a stupid chronological resolution column.

Although documented episodes of out with the old, in with the new proclamations exist throughout the annals of history, perhaps no year better exemplifies these tragic attempts to get back on track than the 13th year of each century.

Conveniently enough, this enlightened harvest of historically linked passages arrived in our cognizant copy basket on New Year’s Eve. While we realize that there are a multitude of vows and pledges that have had far more impact on mankind, we have chosen to focus on resolutions that were actually kept.

Despite other images that this piece may conjure up, it is apparent that the elements, the planets, and the gods have always looked favorably on 13th year resolution makers. It’s kind of an superstition thing. It should be of a relief that Big Brother has yet to make these annual covenants mandatory like seat belt  and Monday holidays, for all citizens.

Our earliest concurrent reference point is 613, which, in itself, represents an epic journey into the past by a bush league research team that has yet to recover from the office Christmas party of 612.

Long after Guanara, a perky Neanderthal inhabiting Asia Minor in about 4000 BC, started her New Year by promising that she would get her family out of “this drafty old cave and into something modular”, St. Augustine started the ball rolling. Curiously enough it was January 1 in the 13th Year of the 5th Century. The stodgy bandwagon moralist had promised Pope Gregory he would convert Britain to Christianity. Two months later he baptized a leading antagonist, Ethelbert of Kent. Ethelbert would go on to become one of the most abrasive lounge singer/performers in Canterbury. Seeing what he had done, Augustine made a second resolution in which he promised never to discuss religion or politics. He then retired to a remote monastery to write his memoirs.

Highlights of other maintained resolutions quite possibly include:

713 AD: Marauding Arabs, searching for the legendary oil reserves described by the Roman poet, Sinclair, sack Carthage mistaking it for suburban Byzantium. Their leader, Caliph Abdelmelik III, makes a New Year’s Resolution to start carrying a decent and water-proof map into battle.

797 AD: Byzantine Empress, “Sweet” Irene, overthrows her son, Constantine, blinds him, and assumes sole power. She then proposes to marry Charlemagne. After repeated rejections of that conjugal arrangement, Irene promises, in 813,  to quite chasing men and to stop blinding people. Despite her anti-social behavior she was later canonized by the Greek Church.

913: After a string of architectural disasters, early electrical contractor, Alfonso III, resolves only to wire castles built with drywall. Saracens, looking for an open service station, launch a gas war with Bulgarians. In January they make a resolution to put their Holy Land condos on the market to pay for further military excursions into Europe.

1013: On December 31 Danes promise to stop sacking the Irish Coast but they don’t address rape and/or pillage. The Sultan of Ghanzi resolves to send his gums to the dentist once a year. Gondola operators in Venice pledge to go on strike until tips improve. A dramatic population explosion in China gives birth to the concept of 1/2 orders on sweet and sour pork. These same Chinese guarantee effective birth control methods and dynasty-subsidized egg roll distribution by 1015.

1096: The Cid takes downtown Valencia from the Moors and in promises to return it in 1113 when he’s finished with his Christian remodel. Unfortunately it is mislabeled as a present to his precocious offspring who break it the day after Christmas.

1213: An assortment of holy men, including St Anthony of Padua and Chinese philosopher, Chu-Hsi promised to stop talking to the sky in public.

1297: Scots defeat British at Stirling Bridge and then again at Chevy Chase. In response, by 1313, King Edward I of England’s New Year’s Resolution is to refrain from playing his bagpipes before dawn. He instructs his troops to cease looking up kilts worn by anyone related to Robert Bruce.

1413: The Duke of Gloucester vows to stick to his diet but is murdered before he can properly push himself away from his dining room table.

1513: Lucretia Borgia, daughter of Pope Alexander VI, shocks the Vatican by divorcing Giovanni Sforza and running off with Alfonso of Naples. Her New Year’s Resolution: Don’t unpack until the ring is paid for. Michelangelo sculpts “Bacchus” and pledges to stop using profane language during his next project .

1598: Vasco de Gama rounds the Cape of Good Hope under the flag of Lisbon. However, in 1613 after the check bounced, the explorer resolves that further business dealings with the Portuguese would be on a COD basis. The Second Spanish Armada is scattered by storms in the Atlantic. Spanish King Phillip II makes a resolution to start watching the Weather Channel in 1598. He further pledges to move out of mom and dad’s basement by summer.

1697: Peter the Great’s luggage is once again lost during a journey through Prussia, Holland, England and Vienna. He makes the trek disguised as Peter Michailoff in order to study European ways. In January 1713 he vows to travel with only a carry on.

1813: Casanova drops dead moments after vowing to stop chasing young women. After taking Vienna, Napoleon resolves to keep an extra pair of dry socks in his pack. He then exhorts his tired soldiers to “let the good times roll”. Headhunters in New Guinea make their first New Year’s Resolution: To eat only vegetarians. Court of Versailles promises to clean its Venetian blinds once a month.

1897: The citizens of Red Mountain, near Ouray, Colorado pledge to stop carousing and staying up late. That temperate climate hangs over the town to this day, especially on January 1. Old Man Roberts, proprietor of Tuller and Roberts Grocery at Portland, vows to stop bitching and chewing tobacco when he has to cut up a chicken. Mrs. Williams, a cook at the Victor Restaurant in Gladstone, promises to stop burning her husband’s toast. “Shorty” Bridgeman, “the racker salesman” resolves to stop spitting during conversations. Dr. Copp, a circuit-riding Durango dentist vows to stop drinking at the Little Chef Saloon before oral surgery. The United States government promises to uphold all future treaties with the Ute Nation since most of the latter have already been relocated to Utah anyway.

1913: World leaders meet in a Vienna Pool Hall and resolve never again to engage in destructive warfare. Home Run Baker retires pledging to donate his baseball card collection to the Red Cross.

2013: Iran and North Korea promise to scrap nuclear energy programs when the U.S., Russia, China, Great Britain, France, Israel, India, Pakistan and NATO  do the same. Republicans and Democrats in the United States pledge to work together for the good of the country. The White House resolves to drop al the pseudo-dialogue on bogus gun control and create a functional system of mental health immediately accessible to all citizens.