OUR REGION

with Melvin Toole

Much of Colorado Now Wyoming
(Cowdrey) High winds are blamed for the forced transfer of about 500 acres from Colorado to Wyoming according to meteorologists here. The land, mostly topsoil and road dust, is now in the custody of Wyoming serfs who intend to raise cattle on it.
“At approximately four o’clock Colona time an estimated 498 acres of Colorado crossed over the sovereign border of the State of Wyoming, effectively joining the Commonwealth of Wyoming” said a spokesman for the U.S. Weather Service. “At this time we do not expect topographic maps to be altered or a military response of any kind. We will not know the appropriate action to take until the surveyors have completed a primary charting of the area in question.”
Angry Coloradans from Crook to Cortez are demanding action. Already militia units, backed up by the Air Force Academy marching band are operating along the border. Carpet bombing has been ruled out since the area in question is covered with thousands of tiny throw rugs.
“There may be a lot of threats and some saber rattling in the Colorado House,” flinched the weather service source, “but we don’t foresee land troops or a naval blockade at least this morning.”
Calmer heads in the legislature suggest that since the land was not taken by force, the intelligent approach is simply to sit back and wait for a good north wind.

ANARCHISTS CONTINUE TO HOLD LAUNDROMAT
(Lake City) The Lost Sock Laundromat remains in the hands of desperate anarchists who seek to redefine political and social stability in this once peaceful town. The squatting troops, numbering at least four, aided by subversive elements on Henson Creek, insist they can hold out until hunting season.
The situation has gained national attention as Janet Reno and 25,000 FBI agents are currently surrounding the site. The feds, embarrassed by violent overreaction in places like Waco and Ruby Ridge, have yet to make contact with the anarchists. They have, however, created a shortage of bologna and ammunition in Hinsdale County.
“We’re pretty sure these rascals are mixing colors and whites and leaving laundry in the dryers longer than what is acceptable in modern society,” said one Dalhart tourist as she washed the family laundry on rocks near Lake San Cristobal. “Some of them aren’t even using fabric softener.”
At press time there is a lot of dirty laundry in Lake City.
“Thank goodness for the T-shirt shops or we’d all have to go around naked,” continued the Texas woman. “This episode has been on the rinse cycle far too long.”

Consumer Group Claims Shock Electric Company
(Ouray) San Miguel Power Company has been accused of using “old electricity” in its wires and of illegal recycling of power by enchanted wind instruments. According to a story in The Pea Green Peeper San Miguel Power has misrepresented its product, selling used electric current as if it were brand new.
“There is no truth to these cruel accusations,” said Oral Waters, legal council for the power company. “They are only the work of angry men who have invested thousands of dollars in generators only to realize that Y2K is just another crock of bird paste. We ferment all of our own electricity right here below Box Canyon Falls. We can prove it. We have the receipts.”

July 31 Competition Canceled
(Gunnison) The annual bloodletting involving the Class A Woodstock Geezers and the Extreme Barbecue Gladiators has been called off since it could rain. The match will be moved to Parlin and played as part of a doubleheader on August 4. Persons who have purchased admission slips for the games will be shuttled to Parlin from evacuation points all along Tomichi Creek. Others unable to attend the event are encouraged to sell tickets at designated shoulders along Highway 50. Scalping will not be tolerated without note from one’s barber.

ASYLUM TO CLOSE FOR REPAIRS
(Delta) The Pea Green Psychiatric Hospital will close for repairs from July 21 to August 31. Inmates, patients and staff will be released on the morning of July 20 so crews can prepare for the long needed overhaul of facilities there. Most seriously ill clients of the asylum will be placed in local government positions since many of the regular employees have taken summer vacations. The remaining patients will be driven to Ouray and Telluride where they will roam the streets until the work has been completed.

Smoke Jumpers Save Burning VW
(Ridgway) 700 battle-hardened smoke jumpers dropped into town the other night just in time to avert what might have been an undetected disaster. The jumpers landed on North Cora Street just as a Volkswagon bus caught fire. The blaze was quickly brought under control prior to the arrival of 400 more fire fighters from the region.
“It’s a good thing those smoke jumpers showed up or we might have lost the entire town,” said fireman David Houtz who reportedly made over $10,000 selling gin and tonics to the crowd.