Power Surges Plague Elderly

(Montrose) A recent jump in power surges is the result of increased inactivity and an embrace of the sedentary lifestyle says a noted physician. According to Dr. Simone Lackluster, stacked up idle hours sooner or later add up to a major discharge of displaced energy. Speaking at the Armenian Association Symposium for the Tone Deaf, Lackluster further focused his conjectures and postulates saying that the elderly (and those who think they are elderly) were particularly at risk in this arena.

“Older people tend to remain inactive more than the general population as a hole,” quipped the doctor. “Then, when a given situation demands action they jump, on again, off again, herky jerky, up and down, in and out in a here-today-gone-tomorrow performance that not only creates undue stress but often results in hamstring and groin injuries.”

One 87-year-old colleague tells us that his power surges often come in the afternoon but usually after a workout or bike ride. “This Lackluster might know his groins but he doesn’t have a clue as to my power surges,” he spat.

Another medical spokesperson agreed, saying Lackluster is an idiot.

“Imagine the inside of this doctor’s head as a cranial hydroelectric plant,” he offered. “Now imagine an ice storm slamming into his frontal lumbar region and dripping out through his ears. The results are galvanizing.” Our elderly source, demanding that he remain an agronomist, confirmed that Lackluster had suffered voltage disturbances in the nursery when a sadistic nurse dropped him on his head as punishment for wetting his diaper. The nurse, whom he later married, was never brought to justice.

“Admittedly we are forced to rely on some questionable witnesses in these stories,” said an under-editor at The Horseshoe. “C’mon, we can’t check out every source. That would be ridiculously time consuming. Next you’ll expect us to proof read this mess.” San Miguel Power, the local electric company that has been unfairly implicated in the surges, suggests that people unplug appliances when they feel a surge building.

“Look up at the sky. If it looks like a big snow is on the way unplug your appliances,” says the handy brochure I received with my bill last month. “Then plug them back in when the sun comes out. If you need the use of appliances during extended storms try a generator.

February Tip: Save on eclectic bills by keeping doors and windows closed during the winter.” For a related piece turn to Candle Sales Through the Roof later on “Frog Legs and Butter”