MARS DECLARED WILDERNESS AREA

(Ridgway) The planet Mars has been designated Wilderness for eternity according to a spokesman for the Disappointment Valley Optimist Club, executive sponsor of the move. With the support of the powerful We Be Victorian contingent of Ouray the conservationists successfully lobbied the Congress (with presents and loud noises) convincing that legislative body to do something about what they say is “the potential development of the Red Planet by the end of the century.

“Let’s not wait until we overbuild to start creating green belts and open space,” said one Optimist sadly. “Isn’t it enough that we’ve trashed this planet?”

As is the tradition, no motorized vehicles or oversized ice chests will be allowed on Mars. In addition cameras will be banned as will radical solar energy exploration which, as we all know, is blatant terrorism.

Critics of the development say the action comes as a diversionary tactic. Only last week the Senate passed legislation allowing a Wal-Mart to be built on Venus. Simultaneously, the House agreed to allow industrial fracking in North Dakota and massive logging operations to continue in the Northwestern United States.

“Now they have their pound of flesh,” said one developer of the environmental efforts, “just when we were starting to talk water rights. Oh well, our waferboard condos will look spiffy on Neptune.”

– Uncle Pahgre