All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Hell Bans Smoking
One of the last vestiges of puffing has gone by the wayside today as Hell announced a moratorium on tobacco smoking slated to begin in September. After that date anyone caught smoking will be subject to further disciplinary actions, beyond the daily tortures and deprivations common to the place.
Unlike most spots on earth there is nowhere to step out for a smoke near the confines of Hell. Cigarettes, easy enough to find there, had crept up to $20 per pack on the Black Market in Hades. According to unreliable sources, pit demons felt that workers were abusing smoke breaks and taking too much time to get back to hard labor details costing them money.
Hell wasn’t so bad before,” said one condemned man. “Every Tuesday was poker night even though we don’t have cards or chips down here. Friday was martini night even though we don’t have gin or ice. At least we had cigarettes.”
Smoking, thought to have been tolerated beyond these fiery gates for millenniums, was recorded by Dante during his legendary visit to hell in the Middle Ages. Sinners stuck in the place tell of smoking tobacco in seances. Former Vice President, Dick Cheney, a regular visitor to hell during the Iraq War, said the place smelled like a bar room after a prairie fire. He observed that “everyone was smoking, some of them two and three cigarettes at a time”.
The decision comes as a shock to most hellions who considered smoking a sacred right in the land of fire and brimstone.
“I just never expected this sizzling dump to embrace political correctness,” said the condemned source.
The decision was purely mercantile. The bad angels that run hell don’t care about health and general welfare. They are simply under continued pressure from resident insurance industry lobbyists who insist that their industry is losing money on insurance claims related to smoking. Hell’s new seat belt laws originate from the same bent morality cruises.
I guess we’ll all have to put up or shut up,” cried one angry woman who says she still has cartons of Marlboros stashed.
“I just can’t imagine going through eternity without a cigarette,” she said.
– Gabby Haze
Quickie Spring Tips
with Muffy Hollandaise
Brew sun vodka for chilly spring eves
On sunny days while you’re out fighting the wind or poaching whip up a batch of authentic potato sun vodka just like you’re brew sun tea. It’s fast and easy and costs next to nothing. First, place two or three peeled red potatoes in a ten gallon glass jar. Cover with water and add just enough more for evaporation caused by that Colorado winter sunshine. Cover mixture with oil cloth and secure. Place in the direct sun. Allow to reach a boil. Brew hooch for eight hours, poteen for 12. For a smoother, better tasting vodka try distilling for 12 years. When friends stop by, invite them to try a ladle of fresh Colorado potato vodka. Won’t they be impressed! (Offer not good in Utah).
Help for wood floors from the unlikely tail waggers
Sick of cleaning hardwood floors. Here’s a trick that removes dirt and dust and gets some work outa the dog. All it takes is a can of tennis balls (one will do if you are not in a hurry) and a slobbering pet. In my experience German Shepherds work best because they are more intense and will retrieve the tennis ball until they drop, no matter what. They are very engaging, silly animals which quickly extracts the likelihood of early termination of the work force. While the breed is not known for obsessive drooling, saliva glands, excited by the prospect of chewing a soggy tennis ball, will easily compensate for any genetic flaws. Wear gloves if you are easily offended by water at the mouth. Continue exercise for two hours and note clean floors, free of dust wads, dirt and dog hair.
Keeping cold air out
If you are trying to maintain a warm house during an iffy spring season remember: Continue to keep cold air out. This provides comfort just as well as keeping the warm air in. Bearing this in mind ALWAYS close exterior doors and windows on cold days and always after sunset when there is no solar advantage to having them open. Screen doors are not advised. Following this simple procedure will guarantee a warmer house and lower heating bills. You will be amazed by the heat that stays in the structure by just shutting off the outside elements. This application, while effective to a fault, will not keep a house warm on its own merit. A heat source, ventilation and fuel are also necessary. We’ll talk about them next time. Bye now.
CRESTEDPOLITAN MAGAZINE
GO FAX YOURSELF A NEW ROMANCE
If it doesn’t make you jealous enough to know that all your friends are shacking up with Mr. Right while you’re giving the cat a bath on Saturday night, be informed that they’re setting up their lust sessions with a Fax machine. Believe it, sister! Want to screen those potential bedmates without embarrassment, mainstream commitment or potential stalking? It’s the safe and easy way to get through the preliminaries and into the sack!
The first thing to do is secure a safe Fax network, one free of bothersome old boyfriends and unacceptable suitors. Don’t use the one down at the office. The best idea here is to buy your own and insure privacy. They cost about $100 plus paper.
Keep in mind that photographs are never enhanced on a Fax so don’t be overly concerned if your potential lover looks like a prune or a young executive suffering from yellow fever or the scurvy.
Keep the phone lines open to send and receive the right message. Sometimes men can be slow to respond and it’s probably a good idea to include a deadline or some sort of shelf life for your proposal to be answered. Don’t be shy. It’s the Nineties and women can get away with a little aggression. It’s better than a movie with the girls!
Whether this approach to love in modern times works or not is up to you. Remember: There’s no limit as to the amount of bait used. Try soaking your initial Fax in perfume or leave a little lipstick at the bottom of the page. Men are generally stupid so be direct. It’s better than hanging out in front of the grocery or trolling Elk Avenue even with lower gasoline prices. Good luck, you fox.
RID YOURSELF OF FLAKES AND BUMP DATES
It’s close quarters here in Crested Butte. One date with a geek and you’ll probably run into same four or five times on the way to the lifts or end up waiting on him at a local restaurant. This situation calls for extreme measures. YOU COULD MOVE TO BOULDER OR…
HOW TO DUMP A DUD DATE: There are lots of ways to shorten an unpleasant experience but it could take more savvy than shortening that little black dress of yours. Popular ways to can a boring companion include drownings (Blue Mesa and Peanut Lake are the perfect locale) dumping off cliffs (Upper Gothic Road, Ohio Pass and even Quirky Kebler work great for the impulsive push or calculated shove). The idea here is to do a clean job before anyone gets wind of your dissatisfaction. Don’t wait around to be annoyed by nasal phone messages and love letters chucked full of misspellings and invitations to an intimate dinner at the sewage treatment plant. TIP: Don’t drive drunk or park too long on Elk Avenue or the local marshal’s office will get wind of your behavior and may investigate.
AVALANCHE DANGERS TOUGH ON MAKE-UP
Every spring we mountain folk must brace ourselves for an unusually brutal does of late winter. Funny, but nobody remembers last April’s dump when the sun hits the snow in March. Be prepared for wet snow and dry air by covering up with any one of an assortment of creams and lotions especially made for dry skin. AND IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE THIS MONTH avoid avalanche regions and other unstable social situations. It’s your skin and your hide is stuck to it, baby.
While we’re on the subject of falling ice and snow and natural disasters keep in mind that March is a great time to move in with your lover (since he’ll probably be moving back to Moline in April). Just keep in mind that men are fools and must be manipulated daily. TIPS: 1.) Don’t cook dinner for him after you are co-habitating since he’ll grow to expect it. 2.) Train him to keep the seat down. 3.) The dog you loved before the merger belongs outside. 4.) When his mother calls tell her you’re the maid or just a friend. Don’t admit to anything. 5.) Inhabit a place with at least two bathrooms. 6.) Decide just who buys what for the household: For example if he buys the light bulbs, you buy the toilet paper. 7.) If he comes down with a cold get a hotel room for the week. 8.) Losing pounds while he gorges himself on mashed potatoes, ice cream and beer is not likely. Try to put him on a diet and reward him with your affections when he skips a snack. 9.) Flirt with the pizza deliver guy only if your lover is within earshot. 10.) Fill in your best advice and take it to the bank. Common sense be damned here…Let’s get nasty!
INSIDE YOUR CRESTEDPOLITAN
For the theater or the salon…
SULTRY NEW PUMPS SURE TO MELT THE SNOW
More Styles than places to wear them
Strangers in the Night?
WHERE TO GO IN TOWN AND NOT KNOW A SOUL
Failing bistros and semi-trendy cafes
that have no following whatsoever, await you
TRY A CLOVE WITH THAT NEW HAIRDO – EVEN THE DOG LIKES IT!
Garlic Perfumes For Spring
Go from Ms. Crazy to Ms. Cool with Herbal Makeovers
Cloud seeding for future passion…
HOW TO KEEP HIM IN BED ON A POWDER MORNING
Underhanded tricks of the trade for getting what you want
This Month’s Fiction: “The Beauty Pageant Turns Ugly”
What to wear to the revolution — by Patricia Hearst
Safe Tanning – a pressing question or just a hype to sell more sunscreen?
Read all about it Woody’s Survival Guide
RICH SKI BABES AND BEAUS MOB ELK AVENUE.
Get all the details and maybe get lucky too! In Hey, Bozos
WAL-MART EJECUTARÁ A EMPLEADOS DESLEALES
(Montrose) La Corporación Wal-Mart anunció hoy que adoptará medidas severas contra los empleados insubordinados y amotinados que no respeten la filosofía de la compañía. A partir del 31 de mayo, se programarán ejecuciones públicas en el enorme estacionamiento de la tienda, ubicado al sur de aquí.
La medida, calificada de radical incluso por los más acérrimos partidarios de Wal-Mart, adquirirá un cariz experimental y podría llevar a la adopción de medidas similares en otros locales. Se dice que los empleados en peligro son aquellos que se resisten a las técnicas de lavado de cerebro corporativas de eficacia probada y coquetean con la herejía sobre los derechos divinos del avaricioso gigante de los descuentos.
“No esperamos que el personal directivo se vea afectado por estos acontecimientos”, dijo un ejecutivo regional que una vez lavó los pies de Sam Walton durante un viaje a Corea del Sur en 1985. “Las personas que conocerán a su creador simplemente no son jugadores de equipo”.
Otros que esperan el fin incluyen a quienes dudaron cuando se les indicó que donaran parte de sus escasos salarios a la caridad.
“Nos encantan esas fotos en los periódicos locales donde nuestros empleados hacen donaciones a buenas causas”, dijo el ejecutivo. “Nos da una buena imagen sin que nos cueste dinero. Personalmente, no puedo creer que la gente se apresure a comprar el programa, pero eso es lo que hace de este país lo que es”.
El concepto de ejecuciones públicas surgió con la propuesta de construir aquí un supermercado Walmart. Los directivos de la compañía temen que la publicidad negativa sobre la construcción impida que el gran minorista se asegure el 100% del comercio en la región.
“No queremos una cuota de mercado justa”, sonrió el ejecutivo.
“Lo queremos todo. Queremos convertir el centro en una barriada y sacar todas las ganancias de la ciudad. Es muy sencillo”.
Muchos residentes de la zona no comprenden el daño que se le hace a una comunidad cuando charlatanes como Walmart se aprovechan de ella. Algunos incluso defienden al monstruo del difunto Sam Walton como un benefactor que crea empleos y proporciona servicios necesarios. No mencionan el costo de tales comodidades.
Las primeras ejecuciones, programadas para la madrugada del 31 de mayo, eludirán la jurisdicción de varias fuerzas del orden, ya que se llevarán a cabo en propiedad privada. Los condenados podrán elegir entre fusilamiento, inyección letal o guillotina. Los familiares entrarán gratis y se podrán tomar fotografías conmemorativas del evento (con un 20% de descuento con tarjeta de crédito) en la sección de cámaras de la tienda. Los beneficios de jubilación acumulados se revertirán a los accionistas de la corporación en el momento del fallecimiento.
-Pepper Salte
Local Attorney Sues Self for Millions
(Lake City) A local lawyer has filed a $3 million lawsuit against herself in District Quart this morning. The document alleges that she “willfully did seek to diminish fiscal potential” which then did irreparable harm to herself and her cats.
Wathena Savoy, a failed denture maker who turned to the law in 2013, sat unmoved as the preliminary hearing proceeded. She then confronted the court loudly, accusing herself of spending her grocery money at the local bar.
She then went into a clever charade explaining how she spent over $2000 on lottery tickets (to win $20) and has maintained constant credit card debt over $70,000. Later, last spring, she drove her sparkling new 2014 Henway off Slumgullion Pass after allowing her insurance to expire. The jury sat stuned when Savoy demanded the death penalty for her actions but later agreed to a plea bargain and two nights in the somewhat recently remodeled Gunnison County lockup.
A demoralized, tearful Savoy broke down and told the judge that she had buried over $25,000 in a coffee can to avoid paying tax on the sum. Unfortunately she got stoned and forgot where she had hidden the loot.
“And now the phone bill is overdue,” she sobbed.
Savoy ended her pungent soliloquy by begging the court for mercy and a few dollars to pay the 15-minute parking meter.
– Peter Pecker
Flatulent Minstrel Banned from Gunnison Valley
(Parlin) A somewhat renown singer and songwriter, Melvin Ata-Toole, has been excluded from 2026 summer music venues here due to well documented digestive complications. According to leading festival promoters and local musicians, the decision is a good one.
“Our summer tourism economy is still somewhat fragile and cannot maintain a quality composure with people like this running around,” said Debbie Trumpet from the seasonal, yet prestigious Ohio City Philharmonic Kazoo Ensemble. “This Ata-Toole should seek professional help or change his diet.”
Although tickets for a Montrose show were sold out in two hours, the Gunnison County people are holding fast, especially with resounding whispers that Ata-Toole bought them up himself.
Late today the Pitkin Civil Liberties Union said it did not want any part of this conflict, citing irreconcilable issues such as aromatic disturbances and noise ordinance violations common to the presence of the aging crooner.
Ata-Toole, the dethroned Duke of Earl, had no comment on the proceedings. He, as most of us know, is independently wealthy, living a lavish life on funds from the sale of gas wells in the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita.
-Princess Irm Peawit
“Trump is a vain and petty man, and it is easy to impute psychological motives to his actions. But it is folly to assume the demands of his ego will be satisfied by symbolic victories. Revulsion and desire are two sides of the same coin, and it is clear that Trump covets the kind of unaccountable power Maduro enjoyed — to enrich his family and cronies, to intimidate political opponents, to muzzle the press, to flood the streets of his country with armed men who do his bidding. Trump has managed to do a measure of all of these things. No doubt he intends to do more.” – NY TIMES
