All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
Local Attorney Sues Self for Millions
(Lake City) A local lawyer has filed a $3 million lawsuit against herself in District Quart this morning. The document alleges that she “willfully did seek to diminish fiscal potential” which then did irreparable harm to herself and her cats.
Wathena Savoy, a failed denture maker who turned to the law in 2013, sat unmoved as the preliminary hearing proceeded. She then confronted the court loudly, accusing herself of spending her grocery money at the local bar.
She then went into a clever charade explaining how she spent over $2000 on lottery tickets (to win $20) and has maintained constant credit card debt over $70,000. Later, last spring, she drove her sparkling new 2014 Henway off Slumgullion Pass after allowing her insurance to expire. The jury sat stuned when Savoy demanded the death penalty for her actions but later agreed to a plea bargain and two nights in the somewhat recently remodeled Gunnison County lockup.
A demoralized, tearful Savoy broke down and told the judge that she had buried over $25,000 in a coffee can to avoid paying tax on the sum. Unfortunately she got stoned and forgot where she had hidden the loot.
“And now the phone bill is overdue,” she sobbed.
Savoy ended her pungent soliloquy by begging the court for mercy and a few dollars to pay the 15-minute parking meter.
– Peter Pecker
Flatulent Minstrel Banned from Gunnison Valley
(Parlin) A somewhat renown singer and songwriter, Melvin Ata-Toole, has been excluded from 2026 summer music venues here due to well documented digestive complications. According to leading festival promoters and local musicians, the decision is a good one.
“Our summer tourism economy is still somewhat fragile and cannot maintain a quality composure with people like this running around,” said Debbie Trumpet from the seasonal, yet prestigious Ohio City Philharmonic Kazoo Ensemble. “This Ata-Toole should seek professional help or change his diet.”
Although tickets for a Montrose show were sold out in two hours, the Gunnison County people are holding fast, especially with resounding whispers that Ata-Toole bought them up himself.
Late today the Pitkin Civil Liberties Union said it did not want any part of this conflict, citing irreconcilable issues such as aromatic disturbances and noise ordinance violations common to the presence of the aging crooner.
Ata-Toole, the dethroned Duke of Earl, had no comment on the proceedings. He, as most of us know, is independently wealthy, living a lavish life on funds from the sale of gas wells in the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita.
-Princess Irm Peawit
“Trump is a vain and petty man, and it is easy to impute psychological motives to his actions. But it is folly to assume the demands of his ego will be satisfied by symbolic victories. Revulsion and desire are two sides of the same coin, and it is clear that Trump covets the kind of unaccountable power Maduro enjoyed — to enrich his family and cronies, to intimidate political opponents, to muzzle the press, to flood the streets of his country with armed men who do his bidding. Trump has managed to do a measure of all of these things. No doubt he intends to do more.” – NY TIMES
Sedimentary Soup
For more realistic metamorphic and igneous recipes
please go to The Moody Foody on Cloud six
Tired of being cooped up on flights? Twenty-five percent more egg room on Rhode Island Red-Eye. The airlines preferred by poultry from Pawtucket to Palm Springs. Our new web page is ducky too!
Do your dentures slip, whistle or click when you talk? New dental dance troupe seeks performers, input, patrons. Bicuspids and molars afternoons only. Amnesty cavities forming soon. Dance your way to good dental hygiene. Marv’s Showboat, Olathe. No Irish.
Organic pumpkins just in time for Rockies’ season opener. Buy crate and receive free turkeys in lieu of World Series tickets in October. Mona, 592201887456 Road. Pea Green Horizons 2. Honk or yell. We got real mean dogs.
NOW LEGAL AGAIN: Lynx/Cougar Bothers Extermination and Interior Decorating. We specialize on large rodents and bad lighting concepts. John Walsh, Go’ment Springs. Certified, bonded, sagebrush compatible.
Football practice not football rehearsal
Learn to speak Canadian like a native. Weekly Classes now forming
Did anyone passing the residence of one Q. Juris Prudence on June 10, 2024 notice anything peculiar about the rose bushes? the bird bath? the septic? Officer A. Ward, New World Security Systems Analysis Code Zero: Protecting us from each other since 2011.
Sourpuss seeks Sugar Daddy for weekend interaction through Labor Day. Even angry people get lonely. I am old and quite wealthy. Vinegar Mary, Powderhorn.
Innovative Trail Shoe waters, aerates, spreads seed and just the right touch of fertilizer. Repair you divets before they reapir you! Sports and Shit, Mañana.
Local brothels” It’s high time you steppd up and did your part for affordable housing. (March 21, 2026)
Crabby old fart with unclear motives and even more mysterious attributes seeks executive position as night watchman or political appointee. M Toole, Colona Vapor Works.
Earn your undergraduate degree in Land Management while you keep your present job! Night classes now forming. Office of Economic Stimulation. Turn right at sage brush.
Are you attractive? Do you dress right? Are you a Go-Getter? Learn to be a famous game show host by enrolling in the Famous Game Show Host School! Total emersion. Total transformation. No violence. Of our over 4000 recent graduates 70% are now employed as television game show hosts! Why hang around at a low-end position with no future when the demand for game show hosts exceeds expectations. Recognized by the Security and Exchange Commission in Washington DC. Cash only. Next to Media Coiffures on your TV dial.
Esmerelda’s Brooms, Brushes and Dusters is now Esmerelda’s Brushes, Brooms and Dusters. Genies in a bottle, Pandora’s Lox on Thursdays if I remember. My friends call me Esmerelda.
For immediate adoption: Three-week old Artisan Mountain Cognac. This deep blend of juniper, sagebrush, wildflowers and hops outpaces other shrill liquids of faint distillation, and lesser alcoholic content. Dark in nature yet light to the touch, our mountain cognac cannot be found in stores. As Grandpa used to say: We pay no tax and neither shall our clientele. By the handy pocket pint or the hillbilly quart. Wholesale agents wanted (Please use goat-porch entrance). White Whiskey tasting room adjacent. 664499339988 Road. Honk first. We got real mean dogs.
Learn the ancient art of pick-pocketing. Successful candidates make up to $1000 in a good morning. Alternative Energy Ventures, Wimpton.
Imagine a country not hobbled by the loud, the frightened and the stupid. – a friend
Mabel: We have sensitive photos of you and your cell phone. Compromising scenes, some at half-mast. Leave $500 in small bills in Silverton-Durango Train car 399 on July 4th or we will go public with photos.
July 24 is the deadline to receive 2025 tax credit for uncut firewood. Call the Department of the Interior.
Win gasoline for life by riding your bicycle to work! Dial 5 or go to Helen Waite.
We need about 2000 strong men to help pull up the asphalt and concrete in Western Colorado and replant the land in hemp and voodoo vines capable of producing table wine for the spice markets of the Far East. Apply in person ready to work: Stimulus Camp 32, Trail of Tears Mesa. Ski in—Ski-out.
DUI Insurance over the phone. No credit checks. No medical exams. Cheaper than the ringer. Avoid the horrors of sobriety on the open highway. No calls accepted from incarceration tanks. Red Light in Your Window Inc.
Alamo Sky Diving Team: You must sign up with the bartender before making further jumps. Failure to do so could result in shortage of parachutes and miscalculation of vertical liquid vertigo. You’ve trusted us up to now. Sign up today. P.S.: Will buy old airplanes. parts, maps. Contact bartender as well.
Head hunters seek corporate bonus babies for firing squad practice. Bonus paid daily. Over Achievers Clubs.
Due to road work and the price of sugar beets the Heeny Tick Festival will once again not take place in July for the 17th year in progression. Interested participants should find something else to do for that weekend. This is a juried event. Gate crashers and squatters will be smashed and splattered.
Close-up photos of Dick Cheney’s forehead. 3 for $1. Rare treasure. Testosterone Brothers, Cow Creek/Paris/Baghdad.
Myrna: When I asked you to marry me I didn’t mean on a weekend when the fish are biting. In July I have to cut firewood. In August I’ll be busy moving livestock and in September I got my traps to check. How about in October unless the Rockies get into the play-offs again? Let’s get together on this. Jingles.
Free Kittens with the purchase of any late model appliance through September. Vegetarian friendly. Testosterone Brothers, Mañana Overlook. No Irish.
Will the party who keeps leaving me cold six-packs on my back porch please start leaving 12-packs. I got me a gal. Dirty Earl, Sapinero Podiatrists Co-op.
Beginning July 31 special police extras will apprehend suspected enemies of the state for deployment in summer reeducation camps all across this great land. If you are an enemy of the state please be packed and ready to go by July 5 so as not to hold up other enemies of the state. If you do not know if you are an enemy of the state please pick up an application form at your nearest law enforcement cartel.
It is idiomatically impossible for any person or persons currently serving in the Trump Administration to be SS war criminals hiding in Argentina because none speaks Spanish. Glotzer is not a German name either.
How many more terrific peace deals Donald?…Gaza/Congo/Ukraine/Thai-Cambodia? If you want the Nobel Peace Prize so bad why not simply buy one?
cheval-de-frise (SHəˌvaldəˈfrēz |noun) 1 a portable obstacle, consisting of a wooden frame covered with spikes or barbed wire, used by the military to close off a passage or block enemy advancement. 2 shards of glass or spikes set into masonry along the top of a wall. No pasaran!
Apology: We posted “And the righteous spoke in thongs.” when it should have read tongues. We are sorry for any inconvenience and mental stress caused for the reverand and his flock. Rev Phil Pharisee, Doctor of Divinity, charlatan, failed fumigator and unsuccessful candidate for the US House of Representatives.
Duendes con boca de inodoro que se ríen a carcajadas
Elfos sarnosos, aburridos y ociosos por su miserable existencia, se han convertido claramente en una amenaza para la temporada navideña. Armados con sus características bocas sucias, enanos musculosos han estado irrumpiendo en las fiestas navideñas bajo la apariencia de ayudantes oficiales desde principios de mes.
Ahora que han terminado la mayoría de sus deberes navideños, los pequeños rufianes llegan en grandes filas, decididos a causar problemas.
Las autoridades temen que los elfos se centren en las fiestas de Nochevieja, donde a menudo se sirve alcohol en abundancia, una fórmula para el desastre potencial. El año pasado, la policía local solo reportó algunos altercados durante la noche (los elfos se agachan bien), pero arrestaron a unos 35 de estos pequeños por ebriedad retardada en desayunadores, el supermercado local y en diversas acequias el día de Año Nuevo.
Bass boat fleet arrives at North Pole
The first frozen bass boat arrived at Santa’s Workshop this morning. The craft, one of 15 purchased in November is specially designed to make use of an overabundance of elf muscle available at the North Pole.
But primarily it is a sign of the times due to great polar melting and the disappearance of icebergs, fish and mammal habitat. The bruised topography has dictated a new approach to survival in the Far North. What used to be massive chunks of ice is now frigid water, ever rising, ever-consuming. Climate change does not support sleigh travel even if the sleigh can fly.
“We got tired of all the deniers, the greed and the ignorance associated with the man-made crisis,” said Santa Claus, who, with the help of twenty elves guided the boat into a protected slip out of the wind. “Fossil fuels are responsible for the demise of our lifestyle and yet they are drilling just over the horizon.”
One elf chimed in: We’ve got more water than ice and snow – sleighs can’t cut it and reindeer don’t swim well. We’ll still use reindeer to haul our new boats over what snowy terrain remains. Citing a “little known fact” the elf said that it always took more than one sleigh to make the rounds on Christmas Eve.
“Now we will have enough bass boats to deliver presents to every kid on the planet, at least while we still have a planet,” he bragged.
News that the loyal elf faction here would be expected to take to the ores did not go down well. Many are not comfortable with the plight of the galley slave even for one night in December.
“It starts with one night then before we know it we’re in chains rowing through glaciers and ice mountains whenever Santa wants to go on a road trip or has business in Canada,” squawked another puffed up elf.
The remainder of the fleet is slated to arrive this week and undergo major modification before the Yuletide begins. Each of the larger boats is named for one of the eight reindeer with other smaller vessels tagged for North Pole landmarks and Santas immediate family.
“If the destruction caused by human generated climate change is not addressed today we will need every boat and more to make it to dry land again,” said a visibly exhausted Santa. “Coal in their stockings hasn’t worked. Future believers may be writing me letters c/o Mount McKinley, Las Vegas or Mars.”
For a related piece turn to What to buy for a polar bear? in Lifestyles On Ice
MAYOR’S WIFE RUNS OFF WITH CIRCUS STRONGMAN
(Gunnison — 1882) The reigning Baldwin strudel bake-off champion and mother of four, has eloped with a transient circus strongman it was disclosed this afternoon. According to a note left behind, Leandra Waker, lifetime resident of the Tomichi Valley, exited with her new love interest just prior to dawn on Thursday.
In an emotional farewell message Waker explained that she had had enough during her uneventful marriage to two-term Mayor Joe Waker, a local glass blower.
“The couple’s last kid at home (a strapping 20-year old) hit the road on Monday morning and I was long gone by mid-week,” said Waker in her scribbled correspondence. She reminded her husband of 22 years: “Don’t forget to milk the cows and take out the trash.”
Her accomplice in the detraction, Norman Quinte, had been in the area working for the Snivling Brothers Circus. It was not known how they became acquainted. Very little about Quinte is known although he has had steady employment in the entertainment business since running away from post-war Charleston in 1870. A source over in Montrose says Quinte did a stint as a preacher two years ago but gave up the collar for the thrill of the circus.
Response here has been guarded as most residents sit back in waiting for a response from the mayor’s office. Up till now his honor has been mute on the affair expressing only surprise peppered with guilt barbs aimed at his wife.
“They have done nothing illegal,” said one local peace officer. “It’s not a pretty scenario for the mayor or the town but sometimes people do crazy things. We’ve all been bored here from time to time…some more than others.”
Waker reportedly took only an overnight bag and her butter and egg money from a small cookie jar in the kitchen. The two were seen leaving town on horses owned by Quinte. Information was not available regarding the strongman’s continued status with the circus. However, insiders suggest that the big top institution has never been overly concerned with morality.
“Men get shot stealing other people’s wives,” said Red Harper, campaign manager for the mayor as he saddled his horse. “We’re going out looking for them this afternoon and accidents are known to happen out there on the trail.”
Blabber on the street says the two are headed for the Nevada gold fields where Waker will kick off a career as a dance hall entertainer. According to her sister Larunda, Leandra has always sought the bright lights and they were not to be found here married to “that man” (Waker).
Back in 1880 Mayor Waker engaged in a confrontation with Snivling Brothers over questionable games of chance and the presence of elephants on the sidewalks. It turned ugly with the circus pitching tents in Almont for the entire season. It is not clear whether these events precipitated the disloyalty or how long the state of coveting was out of control.
“She was looking for any ticket out of town and Quinte just happened along,” said the sister, who demanded anonimity.
– Susie Compost
