Burglar’s Rash Baffles Authorities

(Montrose) Police today arrested Hector DesPlants and his little brother Howard L. in connection with a spurt of burglaries on Spring Creek Mesa. The crimes, committed over a thee-month period last fall have been blamed for personal losses in the millions of dollars.

At the time of the apprehension  officers noticed a dangerous-looking rash on Howard L.’s arms and the back of his legs which has little to do with the story but makes for an interesting headline, a play on words as it were, especially considering that it leads off what is normally a tediously humdrum police report.

Back to the crimes: In one particularly bold intrusion the thieves allegedly made off with three race horses, a rare Siamese ferret, a talking blue-streak toucan and an undisclosed number of exotic Mexican geese. This heist, which police believe took place during the third quarter of a Broncos-Chargers game, was carried out with extreme prejudice and  sophisticated precision previously unknown in these parts.

The missing animals were soon found in the DesPlants’ double-wide in downtown Whitewater, which pretty much synched up the case against them.

“We have been seeing crooks embracing specialty theft,” said a local deputy. “It’s all cut and dry and carried out by professionals with a crow bar in one hand and a ledger book in the other. The problem is that stealing is far more lucrative than working for minimum wages downtown.”

She went on to say that while specialization is a logical progression in these difficult times, the practice of targeting livestock throws a another switch in the pasture.

“People leave dogs, cows and sheep outdoors without a thought to their immediate security,” she continued. “I remember when nobody locked their doors around here. Now we have to secure our gates and put alarms in the barn. There are just too many people that don’t connect to our mountains residing here these days. They only relocate because they have fouled up everything where they used to live.”

The DesPlants have been arraigned and are scheduled to face a firing squad on Monday.

– Kashmir Horseshoe