ZOMBIE REMAKE TO FEATURE ROCKIES

(Five Points) The most recent episode of the popular Curtis Park Zombies series will include cameos and some surreal scenes sure to give baseball fans the creeps. You guessed it — It’s your Colorado Rockies up to their necks in late inning horrors.

Panning the outfield as the bullpen projects lions and Christians on a giant third base screen the film takes us inside the training room after another loss. Guillotines and Sartre fight broken bats and sunflower seeds for locker space. Coaches stare. Players wander. Coolers are ripped from their mounts by super-human mutants, half alive and half dead.

Curtis Park in the 60s. “A sullen spot perfectly adaptive to black and white film.”

From there it’s a dreamy trip through expectations and disappointments from ankle injuries to head cases.

“You can’t even find a seat in the dugout with these bastards all around,” one player is heard to say during a rain delay that lasts until dawn. “There’s tobacco plug all over the steps. Can’t they spit it out onto the field like normal people?”

As tensions mount Zombies are joined by local vampires in extra innings followed by a gala fireworks show. Then everyone goes home, avoiding lonely places, dark shadows and the walking deceased in Rockies’ memorabilia.

A particularly distressing commotion ensues when the Bud Black character attempts to light a fire under his players only to burn down Coors Field. Wait! Is that another version of God Bless America playing ever so softly in the background? But this is only the third inning and…

The last Zombie team to reside in Colorado was the Denver Bears of 1920.

The premier black and white movie, Curtis Park Zombies, was shot in 1965 when the neighborhood was still home to winos and warehouses. It was meant as a nostalgic and even endearing look at zombies in the Rockies before the inevitable gentrification was still bulldozers away.

One moment worth recounting occurs immediately after the credits, that showcases the Rockies stacking their bats in surrender mode. The sad display, akin to the Waltz of the Lemmings in Rigoletto, precedes the return of crates of nearly new Louisville Sluggers to Louisville for retooling.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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