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Local bear given equal time on KBUT

(Editor’s note: This story will be easier to digest if one believes that animals converse in the local vernacular).

(Created Butte) KBUT Radio has launched a pilot program to allot air time to local black bear. Although details are still sketchy it appears both the station and the bruins are jumping foursquare into the fray.

“The bear are misunderstood and just want to tell their side of the story,” said station manager Jackson Petito. “We see ourselves as a community radio station and, like it or not, the animals are part of that small town pecking order.”

Solid public relations has turned human perception of the bruins from noisy, clumsy intruders who want to eat your garbage into intelligent, calculating pests who want to eat your garbage.

The entire movement has gone viral encouraging other progressive communities to act rather than coil in the face of bear intrusions. Local planners hope that the intrinsic fear of bear will counteract the fascination with rustic political negotiations and not create more publicity for a town struggling to deal with the rising tourist population.

“Just as long as they don’t touch the board and use the headphones, “ said one KBUT source who remained skeptical of the plan. “The last time we let them on the air over at the old studio we had three broken chairs and our controls were whacked out for a month. They didn’t even put the CDs back in their right sleeves.”

Some residents of the remote/urban Crested Butte zone do not understand that lazy bears are always hungry. The live on the fringe, out here in the forest watching for a chance the dine on people food. Surprisingly many are accomplished beer drinkers as well but are rarely brand conscious.

“You try hibernation…for just one winter,” said a black bear rights advocate who lives in a solar-friendly cave in Dark Canyon. “It changes one’s perception of time and of overall survival. It changes an animal.”

While generally docile black bear do pose a threat to humans in some cases. Exceptionally large males reach 500 pounds while smaller females can be overprotective of young cubs. Both tend to be cranky when hungry. In short, most confrontations do not lead to violence although the situation is highly unpredictable.

They are expert tree climbers, very adaptable and can move through the woods or meadows much faster than people. The smallest of the three bear species in North America, black bear forage over great expanses of country, filling up on fruits, nuts, insects, rodents and an occasional young deer or domestic calf.

“Hey, we don’t want no trouble.”

“We don’t take up parking spaces on Elk, linger too long in popular cafes or drive the price of real estate through the roof,” said one bear in sign language. “We are good, respectful neighbors and take good care of our young. It is sad that our detractors are spreading rumors that we are course animals and that we spend each night eating garbage, leaving scat, and making a mess,” said the sow.

The town has even considered dropping bear treats (organic and gourmet garbage) at remote spots on off Kebler Pass and above Irwin but that plan, kind as it may have been, was squashed by realists on the town council due to concerns of creating dependent animals and congregations of bruins close to population areas.

Once residents started tying up dogs and prohibiting firearms in town it opened up the garage door wide for these beasts of the shadows.

Bear fully support leash laws.

The majority of omnivores suggest that are waiting to be formally invited to one of the station’s popular fish fries but would show up at to Disco Night after the berries are exhausted and they start spending more time in town.

Bear don’t appear all that interested in people either way. It’s the people’s garbage that they’re after. Elk Avenue is over the top with summer tourists wandering and waddling. The bear issue threatens to the social flow which is already over the top. The eco-system here is quite fragile and cannot support increased grazing by any species.

“Hey we realize we can be intimidating and some of us enjoy it,” admitted one bear.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Fish Alarmed by Cyclical Drought

Turncoat trout and Cock-eyed salmon have filed a lien on Colorado Department of Snow and Raindrops stipulating that docks and levees do not comply with drought specifications. The two species, along with longtime whipping boys, the rainbows, natives and browns, are demanding first water rights in the event of a drought.

Sources linked to water usage say the demands, disguised as a passing concern by some, are unfathomable and that the fish need to get a grip. They reminded voters that water storage costs money and the budget was stretched beyond belief.

“We can’t get a grip for them,” explained one DOW source. “They are far too slippery.”

Colorado fish pay no taxes and create a documented strain our social resources. Fiscal conservatives along with liberals suggest that the DOW divert funds from license sales to help the needy in rivers and streams. These pleas seem to have fallen on deaf ears.

Of corpse counseling is available but there are cultural and linguistic barriers to contend with and often the limbless, cold-blooded vertebrates bring a bad attitude to the sessions.

“They all think they are the Big Fish when in fact they are insignificant whiners, said one local angler who baits his own hook and makes hush puppies in his bathtub.

“These slimy bastards think they have a right to water just because they have dorsal fins,” said a CDSR spokesman who commented off the record. They have even threatened to sabotage our crumbling infrastructure. Maybe we should start jailing trouble makers and undesirables under the Zero Tolerance Act like they do over at the War on Drugs agency.”

Private prisons have expressed little interest in including fish or animals of any kind in their prison population. Issues such as security and violence in the exercise yard are blamed for that hesitancy, even though an increased inmate count could be quite lucrative. The lack of legs and arms appears to be the dilemma.

“Very few of these creatures smoke anything or drive drunk so we have no means of punishing them for unpatriotic meanderings,” said the spokesperson. “I wish that people would stay in their homes and fish would stay in the water. Our gov’ment is doing the best it can do and doesn’t need rebellious input,” he gasped. “If the fish don’t like it here in America maybe they should swim to Mexico or Canada.”

– Uncle Pahgre

Vagrant Strike Brings Denver Area To Its Knees

The Denver metro area is faltering in the second week of a strike called by vagrants and panhandlers. Busy intersections throughout the city are besieged by derelicts holding signs saying such things as “panhandler on strike,” “will not work for food,” or “Viet veteran now housed, please don’t help out.” Denver’s mayor, Michael Hancock has called the strike “the worst crisis for this city since Peña left.”

Boulder mayor, Suzanne Jones, called the begging stoppage “devastating to the Pearl Street Mall and the biggest threat to the diverse fabric of our community since our minorities moved out.”

Liquor stores and bars in the metro area are particularly hard hit and are requesting federal disaster funding.

Spokesmen for the striking vagrants explain the strike was called by local 22565 of the Amalgamated Vagrants International Union after panhandlers became disgusted with the meager amount of handouts being collected in the Denver area.

Said one panhandler, “I can stand all afternoon at a busy interchange and only collect $50. Hell, for that kind of money I would be just as well off working.”

Another vagrant explained, “It’s no picnic standing out in all types of weather holding that stupid sign. People obviously don’t appreciate the lengths we go to to make them feel better.”

Meanwhile federal arbitrators are negotiating with commuter representatives in an effort to avoid the regimen of mandatory handouts for beggars being demanded by the union. With no settlement on the horizon it’s looking like a long, hot summer on the streets in Denver.


(Gunnison) Due to shifting weather patterns ranchers here will start their hay crop indoors in 2018. The plan, the brainchild of a rural alfalfa cadre, suggests that the hay crop be planted in small pots and placed in sunny window spots in March.
Whether or not the use of trellises and synthetic fertilizer will be employed was not clarified. Although some ranchers have been hesitant to embrace the indoor growing concept most have agreed to give it a try.

“I’ve been stubborn about changing the way I grow hay,” said Gabby Crispe, who irrigates 2000 acres near Baldwin, “but this tomato plant approach to hay makes sense. Over the years I’ve seen drought and flooding and wind and unseasonable frost take their toll. If it ain’t wet weather when the hay’s on the ground it’s low water when we need more irrigation,” he added. “It’s nothing but a shooting gallery when we count on nature to do our bidding.”

Crispe went on to say that of late nature has been a little lax when it comes to helping the rancher.

After the initial steps of planting and nurturing the infant hay crop ranchers will then transplant the seedlings into the pasture and start the irrigation process just like before.

“Only this time the hay will be a month or two ahead of schedule allowing, with any luck, another cutting or two in the fall,” said an agricultural consultant from Weld County. “Over here we have to be very careful with regards to our image with the recent upheavals.”

The disruption, alluded to above, concerns recent squabbling over water rights, saddle sores and grazing on public lands. The conflict reached heated dimensions last month with the seizure of downtown Greeley by vegetarian paratroopers under Simone Tofu, the hero of Head Cheese Hollow. Although the vegetarians have agreed to negotiations, strategic highlands remain in their hands following a frontal assault my elements of the breakaway Downwind Boys, much feared olfactory ruffians from nearby Ault.

“What in the sam’s hell are you talking about?” asked Emma Vulcan, a longtime Gunnison Valley beekeeper and quasi-animal husbandry technician. “First, you talk about growing hay in little pots in the window then about military actions by armed vegetarians over on the prairie. I was just in Greeley last weekend and everything looks the same as it has since Horace was a boy. I used to believe what I read in this paper but now I’m leaning toward the Gunnison Country Times for my information,” she frowned.

According to sources at Cheyenne Mountain, which does not really exist and all, the town of Greeley was sacked on June 21 in a classic pincher movement by the Down Wind Boys.

“That was one of the finest martial maneuvers in Prehysteric America! Since Washington crossed the Delaware! Since the formation of the IRS!” said General Worthington Bulbous from his half-bath logistic proximity Colorado Springs bunker. “If I had ten men of that caliber I could retake the Panama Canal, maybe even Canada!”

Meanwhile clay pot shortages and further rumors as to the legalization of hemp growing in the region have fallen victim to fears of herd cleansing in the aftermath of alleged Greeley atrocities.

– Earl MacAdoo


(Montrose) A brutal beheading, that’s left restaurateur Ronald McDonald decapitated, has been called accidental by police despite the clown’s burgeoning list of enemies. The mortal incident occurred Friday at closing time when the clown’s baggy outfit appears to have been caught in an unattended chicken grinder, pulling him into the greasy fray one inch at a time, while programmed employees stood by, watching helplessly.

After a few minutes the whole thing was over. The clown had completely disappeared into the machinery and workers went back to cleaning up and clocking out. It was only after this that police were notified.

“It’s no big deal,” said one middle manager. “His head will grow back. It’s happened before. We’ve warned him not to wear his clown suit in the kitchen but he won’t listen. No one tried to save him because beheadings are not covered in our employee handbook and corporate reprisals here are rather harsh.”

Readers will recall a somewhat related occurrence last October, when Wendy, the Burger King and Col. Sanders were inadvertently sucked into a nuclear street sweeper/dog food compressor while jogging along Highway 50 north of town. Despite an all-out search their mangled bodies have yet to be recovered.

Physicians exploring the range of McDonald’s healthy insurance policies have determined the cause of death to be acute, aggravated macro decollation.

“At least it was a clean cut,” said one doctor.

It was not clear at press time whether or not a service would be held for the decapitated clown or if employees would be paid for attending said event.

– Sir Otis of Liver


(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.

“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.

“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”

Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.

– Warren of Wexley

“I challenged you to a drool!”
– Kid Saliva to Aaron Slobber, Bloody Hill, 1884