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Baseball to Expand to Eleven Players

(New York) Major League Baseball has announced that it will expand on-field rosters in 2018 so as to make the game more interesting. The decision to go from the traditional nine players to a bulked up eleven was received with mixed reviews by baseball’s loyal followers.

Many say Major League Baseball is eager to capitalize on the popularity of football while distancing itself from the more violent sport. Architects of the plan insist that 2 more players on the field will pique interest in the stands and at home on television.

Proponents of the changes say their decision had nothing whatsoever to do with the rabid popularity of football, the darling of TV and a sport that employs eleven players on the field at a given time.

“A lot of us are still getting over the designated hitter clause in the American League,” said Spike Mulroony, a Baltimore Oriole fan who lives in Washington DC. “Now they want to augment the current rosters by going to eleven players on the field.”

O’Toole said the move would further dilute the already dwindling pool of talent that now exists.

“Just so long as they don’t increase the number of pitchers used at one time,” suggested ” Mulroony. “It’s important to keep the 150-year legacy intact but with the price of a hot dog at the ball park who’s going to notice another outfielder or two?”

Actually the specific expansion will affect two newly created positions on the diamond. The first will be a logical fourth fielder who will play short center field or be pulled in to the infield to cut off the run at the plate. The second will be a super-utility player who might find himself filling the hole between first and second or backing up the catcher.

“We feel that the addition of two new positions will make the game more competitive,” said former Florida governor, Jeb Bush, soon-to-be appointed Commissioner of Baseball. “There was far too much offense last year and the serious fan wants a return to the pitcher’s duel and the one run difference.”

Bush added that football has eleven men on the field at once and baseball has nothing to fear in embracing that numerical relationship.

Republicans in Congress are skeptical as to the move. Some say it is nothing more than another poorly disguised jobs bill aimed at employing more people on at least a seasonal basis.

“Presumably the size of the entire roster will increase” said Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). Teams will be forced to add four players to play the two extra ones. This reeks of monopoly and we will consider anti-trust legislation to protect the integrity of professional sports.”

Product endorsements and the sales of professional team gear should not be affected.

– Rocky Flats

Who called for all the rain? Maybe these guys? Sun flowers stand at attention on a summer day near Olathe.

Brain food cafe shuts doors

(Montrose) The Upper Story Bistro, a longtime fixture here, closed down today. Citing competition from fast food restaurants and rising costs in doing business, the owners described their 15-year history as “a good run” and wished former customers the best.

Specializing in foods that encourage healthy brain cell growth the cafe may reopen in another community here or go to the Pacific Northwest where, due to a higher population might dictate a higher demand for this kind of cuisine.

“We hope our clientele will continue to embrace good health habits in their kitchens at home,” said one former owner.

One competitor, who opened a burger franchise right next store in 2015 said she was tired of all the whining.

“Nobody cares about macrobiotic dining and improving their mind when they can catch a delicious burger and fries on the run and wash it down with a giant soda pop,” she said. “These people need to get a clue about life in the modern world.”

“Having choices is important but not when they conflict with city sales tax numbers,” said one city councilperson. “Once our master plan is fully integrated and we have every known chain represented there will be no choices, except in that unhealthy, methodical realm. We don’t hear a lot of complaints from the mainstream and all those health nuts out there on the fringe don’t amount to a hill of beans. Maybe they should all move back to Boulder.”

– Alfalfa Romero

Supreme Quart bans Democrats and Republicans

(Washington) The United States Supreme Quart voted unanimously today to ban Republicans and Democrats from these North American shores.

Despite the decision that disallows the use of the longtime labels in public life, the former party affiliates will have until October to remove their elephants, donkeys, banners, straw hats, slogans, bumper stickers, lapel buttons, fund-raising machines, campaign offices and inspired supporters from the country or face imprisonment.

Otherwise the verdict is effective immediately.

Saying the political parties are an obstruction to democracy and true voter choice, the lawmakers concluded that both of the pork barrel entities were extremely wasteful, expensive and arrogant. They further warned that graft and corruption were rampant at all levels of politicizing within both hierarchies.

“These scalawags are quick to quote the Constitution, perform puppeteer feats and find the little pea clam shows (colorful diversions) for their constituencies while lining their own pockets,” said the highest court in the land. “They are destructive to our hard-won freedoms and what is left of our plutocrat republic. Most never even read the proposed bills that lopsidedly land on their desks. We fear that many have not read the Bill of Rights either.”

Three of the justices went on to say that forbidding these special interests from conducting business on American soil may curtail the downward spiral in the quality of life enjoyed here.

The exclusion of the country’s two most influential political entities is sure to leave a void that the dark robes hope to fill with broken promises, scandals and hand waving common to the disgraced politicians.

It was not clear how the action would affect lucrative Congressional health and retirement status, or lobbying opportunities for retired legislative loungers.

“We expect to see more political parties on the ballot in 2018 and a healthy number of potential registrants by 2020,” said one justice. “Although this suspends the current methods of bureaucratic vote counting over a hot fire it should steer the electorate away from mindless lever pulling in the booth.

Democrats and Republicans expressed bipartisan shock at such swift action saying they do not enjoy such expediency in Congressional chambers. They say they won’t take the affront sitting down.

“We’ll bet on the greed and apathy of our countrymen to put us back in the driver’s seat pretty damn quick,” said one party standout. “We’ll just change our names to Whigs or Know-Nothings and be back in our limos before you can say Henry Clay.”

– Rufus Maxwell

GOP Takes Mulligan on Health Care Bill

Despite arm twisting by leaders in the Republican controlled House and Senate and threats made by the Tweeter President, the Congress is expected to take a mulligan on health care reform in 2017.

Whether it is a “must” or “provisional” mulligan the result is still much the same since the action is a result of a bad shot off the tee in the first place.

Falling short of admitting defeat Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that taking a mulligan is a simple safety net that allows participants to “redefine the their stance and level out the playing field.

“We will not redefine the rules or fudge on our scorecards,” said the Speaker, “but rather expand the fairway and sink a long putt or two for the betterment of all Americans.”

Critics of the action say the entire repeal effort is masked in the burning desire to give the rich a tax break while cutting existing medical benefits for the people who need them the most. Some within the lawmaking body have gone so far as to call the proposed legislation “evil and fraudulent”.

The last time the governing body took a mulligan was back in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency. Ike, a voracious linkster had finished 18 scorching holes scoring a scandalous 12 below par. Lawmakers had then settled on a mulligan out of respect for the Commander in Chief.

– Ragamuffin Man

Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House

(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.

The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.

“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated boxholder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”

Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.

“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe.

“They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”

Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.

Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.

“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”

It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities such as mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing the same behavior patterns.

– Small Mouth Bess