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Secret Service Loses Trump in bunker

“Red tie, small hands and round in the middle” is how the millions of leaflets and posters describe the now missing President of the United States as a dwindling crew of supporters pray for his safe return.

Two days ago a man fitting the description of Trump was reportedly attacked by elderly mob due to budget cuts near Union Square in Lower Manhattan. During the melee Donald Trump was irretrievably separated from the hordes of secret service personnel ordered to protect him.

“One minute he was behind us in the bunker and the next he was gone,” said one of Trump’s body guards.

Right now, according to the shocked security contingent the police don’t know anything either.

“We think he he escaped from the angry grandmothers, many armed with knitting needles and attack cats, but maybe not a mob of former supporters eager to get their hands on him.

One unreliable source allegedly watched him on foot toward the Trump Tower, where with last breath supporters managed to pull up the draw bridge and close the impenetrable gates. His close aids, having fled at the sight of blood, have been mute as to the developments.

Many secretly believe he fell down an unattended manhole but will resurface to take the reins of the gov’ment once more. They say they wuld look for him tomorrow since the White House budget slashed such benefits as sick days and overtime pay.

He’s just out playing golf,” said one Trump diehard. “He’ll be back.”

Meanwhile a massive Black Hole, feared to be the same one that engulfed House Speaker Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell, sucked in Vice President Mike Pence, leaving a power void not seen since the last days of Richard M Nixon.

Phone calls made to an 800 number attributed to the Secret Service have not generated a response.

First cell phone implant at Mao Clinic

The first-ever surgical cellphone implant procedure has been completed with doctors and hospital officials here calling it a great success. The controversial methods employed are still under review although the patient seems to be up and moving around.
The modus operandi involves making a small incision near the eyelid and installing the software. After that phase is completed the cellular device is loaded from the back of the skull where another cut is made along the tissue seams and under the hairline.

“The process may cause some lingering pain and adventures in vertigo but for the most part we are pleased with early detections and pre-op discoveries, Said Dr. Phillip Lackluster of Mao Clinic. “Sure the surgery is exploratory but what isn’t these days? I’ll tell you, when it was over, I felt like Superman coming out of the phone booth,” he said alluding to tele- communicative ancient history.

Already three of the nation’s largest communications companies have offered unlimited minutes if the still unidentified recipient will endorse their product. It was not clear what type of plan might be constructed or what other arrangements will be necessary to create a strong signal while expanding the calling area.

Lackluster then told The Horseshoe that convenience appears to have won out over natural health.

“It’s all a bit messy at this stage but we hope to improve our skills as we go,” explained the surgon. “The demand for this medical procedure is growing as we speak. Our test case may feel a little nausea and some cramping for a few weeks but it is unlikely that he will miss any phone calls.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

Back to the mountains soon

…but I’ll miss days on the beach in Vietnam

Tsunami Gets Best of Scribe

(Okinawa) A visiting dignitary was badly beaten while swimming amid the exotic Ryukyu Islands according to a report filed this morning. Melvin Toole, the governor pro tem of Palau Island, was recovered hours later in the nets of a local fishermen who plans to sue everyone remotely involved in the incident.

Toole, who claims royal lineage dating back to the Sumerian pirates who once roamed these shores, is the author of Seeing the World From the Bottom of the Sea. His book chronicles adventures experienced while in the Portuguese submarine service during the Falkland Wars.

Legally referred to as Melvin DeRiviera Dot Com Toolini the almost knighted carbuncle, reportedly lost his monogrammed umbrella to the storm. At press time it has not been recovered.

Utopia Busted

(Crested Butte — Wing and a Prayer Review — March, 2017)

Police arrested over 300 persons in a predawn raid near Dark Canyon this morning. Those now in custody are wanted in connection with the establishment of utopian society up high in the Elk Mountains and away from the 21st Century.

It is believed that the community has been functioning without currency or taxes and has survived by selling cookies in town and trading the profits for necessities.
Police were tipped off to the existence of the utopia by carnivorous backpackers who came upon the scant encampment while wandering around lost in the woods.

Along with the detained, a subsequent search of the area netted an estimated 1700 pounds of chocolate chips and almost a ton of pecans with an estimated street value of $1.4 billion. Other paraphernalia such as mixing bowls, Dutch ovens and countless aprons were seized.

It is hoped that this action will severely curtail and seriously diminish illicit cookie operations in accordance with the far-reaching War on Fudge coming to a checkpoint near you.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Happy Parking Spaces Catching On

(Pinkyville) Special, reserved parking spots for blissful, jovial drivers are popping up all over from country clubs to truck stops. The concept, along the lines of handicapped parking spaces is aimed at rewarding motorists for their positive attitude.

To qualify for these premium spots drivers must submit to a written test and a simulated life experience to determine eligibility. Many who think they are happy fall short of the plateau while others who see themselves as normal people trying to make it through another day are perfect candidates.

The happy spaces will become quite visible as winter sets in offering many citizens relief from long walks and parking lots brimming to the limit. Brain trusts herein feel that happy people should not have to waste a lot of time looking for a place to leave their car. Happy families, they say, should qualify for two spaces if they can prove minimum harmony and a diminished carbon footprint.

Authorities, although cool to the proposals at first, have come around saying they expect the overall etiquette to improve with the addition of the Happy Spaces. Already, some say, road rage has dropped off and resentment toward the plethora of empty handicapped parking spaces has all but ceased.

Conversely a system of remote, potentially dangerous, poorly maintained spaces for the chronically angry will be up and running by the summer. These inconvenient and spartan spots are expected to feature mounds of broken asphalt, trash and biting flies. They are available to anyone, no matter his or her particular take on life.

-Alfalfa Romero