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North Dakotans protest deunionization

(Bismarck) Plans to kick the state of North Dakota out of the Union came up against rigid protest today as a mob of over three people demonstrated outside the United States embassy here. The sweeping plan, endorsed wholeheartedly by this newspaper, seemed to have been gaining support until an ugly little incident on the banks of the Missouri, which saw two armed camps about to go for the throat,

Proponents of the banishment feel that North Dakota doesn’t do anything and that it is tediously flat.

“It just sits up there collecting dust,” said one Rapid City (South Dakota) man who says his state needs a common border with both Manitoba and Saskatchewan. “We tried to dissolve former boundaries and form one Dakota but the power brokers in Minot squashed that idea. Now it’s war!”

Other civic groups in Eastern Montana feel much the same way.

“We resent the prevalent attitude up in North Dakota, you know, that they’re better than everyone else,” said one Montanan. “Plus the place is a mess. There’s corn lying around and old cars everywhere. Did you ever visit one of those cute little crossroads communities? Bar…church…bar…church…How boring.”

The North Dakotese shoreline below the dangerous Straights of Haggis

Officials in Washington DC are at odds over the proposal since they have never really kicked a state out of the Union.

“Our ancestors endured a five-year war to keep the South from taking a hike back in the 1860s,” said one Congressman. “It seems ludicrous to go out of our way to ban North Dakota from further participation in our affairs. Most of the residents there are honest, hard working taxpayers,” she said. “It’s just a few loafers that spoil things for the majority.”

Another senator suggested that North Dakota should be put under house arrest until the matter is resolved in the quarts.

“What are we going to do? Kick North Dakota out and bring Puerto Rico into the fold?” he frowned. “It may well come to that since we’ve already got all these flags printed with 50 stars and all.”

In a nationwide survey, conducted by ham radio, some 88% of all Americans would prefer that North Dakota joined Russia or Canada or just brought its pathetic road show elsewhere. Emotions currently run high although no real violence has been reported at press time.

– Rocky Flats

California Seeks Permission To Flood Ridgway

The state of California has petitioned the US Bureau of Reclamation to add significant height to the Ridgway Dam, which lies just north and, potentially downstream of the apparently soon to be submerged Town of Ridgway.

According to a fictional permit application made up entirely by us, the purpose of the additional water storage and associated pipeline would “primarily be to create much needed jobs in Ouray County, and only very secondarily, to provide water for two new subdivisions north of Temecula, California, and a bottled water plant currently under construction nearby, thereby creating even more jobs.”

A conflicted and confused Ouray County official has endorsed the plan as a “win-win” opportunity.  In a hastily prepared statement that continued way beyond where it should have, said confused and conflicted public official stated,

“Under this well conceived and very expensively bound plan, the down-trodden and at risk people of Temecula, California will be empowered to share our sparkly clean Rocky Mountain spring water, in BHP- free eco-friendly plastic bottles, not in nasty lead pipes. That part is just a compassionate no-brainier.  Here at home, our ever popular and picturesque village of Ouray gains a new recreational tourist resource, as the shores of Ridgway reservoir slowly fill right up to the newly constructed decks and kids fishing areas along the Boardwalk Shops at Ouray Brewing.”

This same public official closed by offering the statesmanlike and forward-looking thought problem, “What’s not to like?”

Apparently that comment, and parts of the proposal to raise the Ridgway Dam, have rankled some residents of the town of Ridgway, which allegedly lies between the proposed new Ouray shores commercial zone and the Dam itself. Claiming to be able to put two and two together, more than five people have alleged that the town of Ridgway may be flooded entirely and forever under several, if not all proposed but inevitable action alternatives.

An enterprising downtown Ridgway merchant who wishes to remain unanimous, is preparing for a fight, not to mention a new revenue stream, by offering bumper stickers and tee shirts that say “Damn California instead” and “You can’t drink our beer underwater” and the deeply felt “Ridgway. More than just a place to pee.”

Ouray County Planning department officials could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing the land use office for an upstream relocate along the new Ouray Brewing Boardwalk.  Luckily for democracy and economic growth, leaking documents reveal that any potential downside of flooding the Town of Ridgway will be offset by the project proponent through bribes and construction of a four-lane really smooth bridge across the reservoir providing improved access to Telluride.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, SJH has found that not many people in Ridgway actually care if the town is flooded. Many town residents have accepted the early-adopter enhanced compensation package offered by the joint State of California – Nestlé partnership and are already enjoying their complementary new BBQ set and beach umbrellas. In a stunning show of insight, the Nestlé marketing team calculated that the Town of Ridgway inspires not much loyalty and would be easily thrown under the bus, or in this case, under the new Ouray Lady of the Lake Steamboat Casino, in exchange for a few shiny bangles. Done deal.

– Lina Baquerre

Congressional Recess Nets Cuts, Scrapes

(Warshington DC — Playground Press — March, 2017)

Noon’s Congressional recess resulted in several scraped knees, an assortment of banged up elbows and at least one bloody nose according to hall and playground monitors here.

Empty swing after Congressional recess gets ugly

The most serious incident involved a freshman Senator from Colorado who was hit in the head with a brick, allegedly tossed from a nearby housing project. Of added concern was the condition of a State Representative from New York who fell face-first off the monster slide and lost a front tooth.

In other minor action, 13 congressmen from several different states have complained of having their lunch money stolen since Spring Break while an unnamed Senator from Maryland was reportedly hit by a bouncing “spit ball” check while he stood in line at the water fountain.

Readers may recall last month’s blotter where two Capitol pages engaged in “a frivolous and ferocious fistfight” over the swings with both of them falling into the gravel and tearing their trousers.

As the final bell rang the situation remained hopeless for most incumbents who returned to their assigned seats to complete the afternoon’s lessons.

– Gabby Haze

Reading comprehension #611:

The following is a short test of one’s ability to understand and analyze prose. READ THIS SEGMENT ONLY ONCE OR FACE DISQUALIFICATION AND FORFEIT ALL PRIZE MONEY!

A bear and a rabbit sat on a log deep in the forest. The bear felt a great bowel movement coming on but was out of toilet paper. He turned to the rabbit and asked, “Do you have problems with things sticking to your fur?”
The suspicious rabbit asked why and then scurried away leaving the bear to his own devices, which most likely would have been a bush or some bark. The angry bear muttered, “You just can’t count on those damn rabbits when you need them.”
a.) What did the bear mean by things?
b.) Are bears really all that concerned with personal hygiene?
c.) What happens if a bear, or other hibernating mammal has to poop in the middle of the winter?
d.) Do rabbits and bears actually converse?
e.) Would the bear had been better off just grabbing the rabbit, without all the chatter?
Send your answers to Hunting Editor, San Juan Horseshoe, Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. If we use your response on he website we’ll give you a free subscription to the Gladstone Enterprise a free T-shirt from Cahone and a free roll of toilet paper. No phone calls

“I’ve never been. Business is good.”
– Melvin Toole when asked if it wasn’t difficult to be funny these days

“A nation that oppresses another cannot itself be free.”
– unknown

Fat Tire Man in the Moon

– Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine


Scoffs at Mandatory Legislation

(Ridgway) A local magistrate here says the care and feeding of credit cards should be a personal matter and up to the individual debtor. Furthermore, she ruled that credit card abuse did not fall under the jurisdiction of Sociable Services.

Heralded as a major verdict for personal freedoms by many there are still those who would have liked to see more regulations.

“If the consumer decides not to feed his card for a month that should be his business,” said Melvin Toole, a band saw repair analyst from Log Hill. “We already have the feds looking down our shorts at every turn as it is. Why would people want more government interference?”

The judge’s conclusion may have more extensive ramifications than first presumed due to a recent disclosure that Bill Clinton had put the Kosovo campaign on his Master Card.

“People just don’t realize that credit card purchases are the same as buying an item with cash,” said Toole. “The only difference is compounded interest.”

Despite the ruling most consumers continue to be kind to their plastic. According to a nationwide survey over 80% feed their cards, (generally in the morning) 70 % take them for a walk everyday and some even grant them a paid two-week vacation each year.


Small Mouth Bess