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But were they made in China?

Now you can wear mask just like the President wears. The real human hair composite alone is worth the purchase price. 


(Lake City) The Federal Communications Commission has joined the debate over canine privacy on the web today promising to legislate, placate and procrastinate, then go for a long walk. For months the sensitive subject of pet rights on the Internet has been fodder for heated discussion here.

“My dog bought some bones and some other scented material, which she occasionally rolls in off the web and now they won’t leave her alone,” said June July, a local resident. “We get at least 30 marketing E-mails every day and, let’s face it, Sarah (July’s black lab) has little resistance to this aggressive sales approach. I wish I’d never arranged for her to have her own credit card.”

Classified ads, generally considered harmless a few months ago, can also be a source of trouble for unwitting dogs and cats.

“Spot answered a classified ad regarding a potential mate from Eastern Europe (an Afghan transplant) and now we find little charges on his card generated from places like Sofia and Bucharest, even Prague,” said Jake Arrowhead, of town. “He’s never been there that I know of. One day I came home and there were three mongrels hanging around my living room looking for a free lunch. When I offered tomato soup they got surly. It’s time we undress this annoyance once and for all.”

Dogs were once thought to be deities in ancient Hinsdale County and are still considered a priority in the good life.

“We don’t want our pets manipulated by computer chips or the arse holes behind them,” said July.

State Representative Ernie Woole has taken the matter all the way to the Supreme Quart asking that the law makers act. Speaking on Name That Neurosis talk show Woole threatened to expose the Internet charlatans to the rabies virus unless they police themselves.

“We will not have our dogs be made the victims of this electronic tyranny,” said Woodes, who is running for dogcatcher in October.

-Rocky Flats

Magnesium Chloride Savior of Civilization

(Ouray) Layers of Magnesium Chloride hitting the highways in Colorado not only effectively melt ice and snow but keeps the encroaching pine and aspen jungle at bay.

According to sources at the Colorado Department of Transportation, the secondary advantages of the chemical application comes as a bit of a surprise and may outweigh the initial benefits associated with dry roads and safe motoring..

“We can’t have the savage forests of Western Colorado dominating town streets and areas of higher population,” said an organic chemist at CDOT who is regarded as the folcrum behind most road treatment projects.

The trees, which threatened to engulf most communities only a few years back are now under control. Many along the highways have died due to the exposure to mag-chloride, which, according to a slew of tests and surveys conducted in Denver, is in no way harmful to humans.

“We don’t know what the overall, long-term effect will be on deer and elk,” said the chemist, “but the magpies seem to be healthy enough.”

When road crews first began applying mag-chloride to the highways it seemed to be the most logical approach to the problem of winter conditions here. Now, after criticism from environmental groups and others who say the winter sun melts the snow in good time.

“Did the Town of Ridgway get a good deal on the stuff?” asked one local critic of the program which she conceded does keep dust down in summer. “I’d rather have a little dust than dead trees and the negative impact on my vehicle. Somebody’s making money on this operation and I don’t mean the average highway worker. It still is not clear how the whole arrangement came down and we fear that someone is being bought off at the upper levels of the existing hierarchy.”

A spokesman for the state transportation agency called the accusations total nonsense saying the mag-chloride is necessary to stay on top of record snowfalls and below average temperatures which “turn the roads to skating rinks and impassible routes to nowhere.”

But now with the realization that mag-chloride kills bad trees and vegetation, the issue is once again on the table as well as up in the air.

“We’re not talking Agent Orange here, or even a less potent defoliant. It’s just mag-chloride,” said the spokesman. “It’s as safe as any other chemical currently in use. Besides, without those trees clogging up everything it’s far easier and cheaper to carry out mowing operations.”

One environmentalist organization, calling itself Western Wilderness Warriors has called for the closure of all highways until the matter is resolved. They insist that the trees have rights and deserve consideration.

“We already see loss of pristine forests to logging and to the construction of subdivisions,” said a release from WWW. “Why do we have to jeopardize our resources just to melt the snow faster. We have lost touch with what is natural on the planet and she is going to come back with a vengeance, just wait and see.”

CDOT sources say that they would prefer building fence and mowing to the application of the chemicals but that, much like nuclear waste, they wouldn’t know what to do with the unused gallons already on site.

“We can’t just dump it in a hole and walk away,” said one worker.


Seventy-Three Years Ago This Month

Due to a boisterous night in town, followed by an industrial strength hangover, Private 3rd Class (Bulk Rate) Melvin Toole overslept and got on the wrong transport ship. In so doing, the hapless Toole missed the entire D-Day operation. Instead of landing on Omaha Beach, as planned, Toole ended up on a mail ship bound for Borneo. Fortunately, he was discovered loitering along the poop deck, and was returned to England before crossing the International Date Line. Toole spent the remainder of the war operating a USO London commissary, which specialized in chipped beef. His idle hours were engaged in babysitting beautiful British women whose boyfriends were away fighting the Japanese in Burma. In April of 1945 he was given a commendation by Queen Larry II for his Yorkshire pudding.

Fifty-Three Years Ago This Month

Western State Colorado University, in conjunction with Western Scholar’s Year, presents a one- man show by Colorado Division of Transportation artist, Melvin Toole, on Saturday, September 30, at Potter Hall. Toole is easily the most famous graphic artists ever employed by the state highway department. He is the creator of many classic signs and symbols, including the popular bold arrow series, the blinking amber warning light, an assortment of runaway railroad related graphics and the highly functional color coded signal light format that has  been adopted by over 30 failed nations worldwide. Admission is free and many of the works are for sale. See you there!

From the Ballroom to Hell

Equally a sin for both sexes

by T.A. Falconer
Ex-Dancing Master

The most accomplished and most perfect dancers are to be found among the abandoned women. Why? Because they are graduates of dancing schools.

If any should wish to ascertain the truth of this, let him ask the girls themselves.

I have for several months been working in a Mission of Los Angeles, and where I have before seen causes at work, I have now had ample opportunity of seeing the effect, and I have often heard some of these unfortunate ones cry out in bitter anguish: “Would to God that I had never entered a dancing school.”

The following 200 were cases of girls who are today inmates of the brothel whom I talked with personally. They were frank to answer to my questions in regard to the direct cause of their downfall, and I gathered that these were ruined by

Dancing school and ball-rooms 163
Drink given by parents 20
Willful choice 10
Poverty and abuse 200

I know of a select dancing school where in a course of three months eleven of its victims are brothel inmates today.
I have, in preceding chapters, spoken chiefly of the harm that comes to women from dancing, and have shown how vile men make use of the privileges the waltz and its surroundings afford to lead once pure girls to impurity and often to crime. But do not think for a moment that because I have here thus spoken, that I hold the women blameless or the dance to the man harmless.

While the woman is more often disgraced in the sight of man, I believe that in the sight of God the sin o dancing is equally a sin for both sexes.

A girl is often ensnared into intoxication and thus into greater sin by vile men, but she is not wholly excusable. If she goes to a ball she must take the consequences. Every woman has a God-given instinct which teaches her right from wrong, and she cannot but know that to indulge in such emotions as the modern waltz fosters is wrong.

It is a horrible fact, but a fact none the less, that it is absolutely necessary that a woman shall be able and willing to reciprocate the feelings of her partner before she can graduate a perfect dancer.

So even if it be allowed that a woman may waltz virtuously, she cannot, in that case, waltz well.

It matters not how perfectly she knows and takes the steps, she must yield herself entirely to her partner’s embrace and also to his emotions. Until a girl can and will do this, she is regarded a scrub by the male experts.

I would that young women who dance could just once be “behind the scenes” when young men meet after an evening’s dance to discuss it together, and hear such remarks as “that Miss ….. is a perfect stick. I would not give a fig to dance with her. You can’t arouse any more passion in her than you could in a putty man. To waltz with such as she is not what I go for.”

Or, another says: “Ah, but that beautiful Miss Smith is a daisy. She is posted. This waltzing is the greatest thing in the world. While you are whirling one of these dear creatures, if you do the thing correctly, you can whisper in her ear things she would shoot you for saying at any other time, but she likes it all the same. They take to it naturally enough if they are properly taught. If you don’t know just how it is done, go to a dancing master, or any professional dancer. They know, and they will soon let you know.

You will soon become a waltzer, and this find out what there is in it.”

Such remarks, and worse than these (remarks unfit to publish in this plainly written book) are made, my fair young ladies, after the ball, about you by the very young men who, at the dance, you thought so nice and who are so considered. I am ashamed to say in by-gone days, I have been among these young men myself, and I know that to hear them give free expression, loose-tongued, to the lewd emotions and sensual pleasures in which they indulge while in your embrace is almost as common as the waltz itself.

I repeat what I have said before, that I do not refer to rough, uncultured men, but to those who are looked upon by society as most polished, refined and desirable young men.

If it be true that a woman, however innocent in thought, is the subject of such vile comment, if there is the barest possibility that it may be true, is it not also true that if she is possessed of a remnant of delicacy, she will shrink from exposing herself to such comment, and flee from places of dancing, as from a den of vipers?

County Line Roadhouse Opening Soon

The much awaited opening of the County Line Roadhouse is not far off, say sources in Colona.