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HB 86 Angers Realtors

(Crested Butte) House Bill 86 which would prevent realtors from running pictures of themselves and/or their dogs in print advertising has created the expected ruckus within the ranks of the profession. Saying that the restrictions would place agents at a distinct disadvantage when attempting to reassure buyers several local realtors have already filed suit.

“We have to show a human face, even if its been lifted,” said one aging beauty here. “The potential buyer wants to believe that we are honest and trustworthy and that we’re not jacking up prices just to make a larger commission. The dog thing has been dynamite. It presents us as loving pet owners. Nobody can resist a Golden Retriever.”

In recent years realtors have taken to running pictures of dogs in their display ads in an attempt to create a positive perception of themselves as god-fearing, dog-loving, average Joes just out to make an honest living.

Muffy Hollandaise, a local realtor on Elk Avenue, said she does not expect the proposed ruling to affect her bottom or bottom line.

“If they won’t let us put our mugs in the ads we can simply run pictures of little kids or grandmothers. If they can the dogs we’ll just run cats instead. There are lots of cat lovers out there with a down payment. Maybe erotic shots would do the job. They seem to work for the fashion industry and successfully market beer to fourteen-year-olds.”

Primitives, who once roamed the earth without the concept of private ownership of land, still fear that a photo threatens the subject with the loss of his soul.

“Bucolic beliefs like these are ridiculous and have no bearing on realtors or our rights in a free market system,” said Hollandaise.

– Susie Compost

Congressional Recess Nets Cuts, Scrapes

(Warshington DC — Playground Press — March, 2017)

Noon’s Congressional recess resulted in several scraped knees, an assortment of banged up elbows and at least one bloody nose according to hall and playground monitors here.

Empty swing after Congressional recess gets ugly

The most serious incident involved a freshman Senator from Colorado who was hit in the head with a brick, allegedly tossed from a nearby housing project. Of added concern was the condition of a State Representative from New York who fell face-first off the monster slide and lost a front tooth.

In other minor action, 13 congressmen from several different states have complained of having their lunch money stolen since Spring Break while an unnamed Senator from Maryland was reportedly hit by a bouncing “spit ball” check while he stood in line at the water fountain.

Readers may recall last month’s blotter where two Capitol pages engaged in “a frivolous and ferocious fistfight” over the swings with both of them falling into the gravel and tearing their trousers.

As the final bell rang the situation remained hopeless for most incumbents who returned to their assigned seats to complete the afternoon’s lessons.

– Gabby Haze

Reading comprehension #611:

The following is a short test of one’s ability to understand and analyze prose. READ THIS SEGMENT ONLY ONCE OR FACE DISQUALIFICATION AND FORFEIT ALL PRIZE MONEY!

A bear and a rabbit sat on a log deep in the forest. The bear felt a great bowel movement coming on but was out of toilet paper. He turned to the rabbit and asked, “Do you have problems with things sticking to your fur?”
The suspicious rabbit asked why and then scurried away leaving the bear to his own devices, which most likely would have been a bush or some bark. The angry bear muttered, “You just can’t count on those damn rabbits when you need them.”
a.) What did the bear mean by things?
b.) Are bears really all that concerned with personal hygiene?
c.) What happens if a bear, or other hibernating mammal has to poop in the middle of the winter?
d.) Do rabbits and bears actually converse?
e.) Would the bear had been better off just grabbing the rabbit, without all the chatter?
Send your answers to Hunting Editor, San Juan Horseshoe, Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. If we use your response on he website we’ll give you a free subscription to the Gladstone Enterprise a free T-shirt from Cahone and a free roll of toilet paper. No phone calls

“I’ve never been. Business is good.”
– Melvin Toole when asked if it wasn’t difficult to be funny these days

“A nation that oppresses another cannot itself be free.”
– unknown

Fat Tire Man in the Moon

– Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine

JUDGE RULES ON CREDIT CARD FEEDING

Scoffs at Mandatory Legislation

(Ridgway) A local magistrate here says the care and feeding of credit cards should be a personal matter and up to the individual debtor. Furthermore, she ruled that credit card abuse did not fall under the jurisdiction of Sociable Services.

Heralded as a major verdict for personal freedoms by many there are still those who would have liked to see more regulations.

“If the consumer decides not to feed his card for a month that should be his business,” said Melvin Toole, a band saw repair analyst from Log Hill. “We already have the feds looking down our shorts at every turn as it is. Why would people want more government interference?”

The judge’s conclusion may have more extensive ramifications than first presumed due to a recent disclosure that Bill Clinton had put the Kosovo campaign on his Master Card.

“People just don’t realize that credit card purchases are the same as buying an item with cash,” said Toole. “The only difference is compounded interest.”

Despite the ruling most consumers continue to be kind to their plastic. According to a nationwide survey over 80% feed their cards, (generally in the morning) 70 % take them for a walk everyday and some even grant them a paid two-week vacation each year.

 

Small Mouth Bess

SNOWPACK ABNORMAL

Colorado residents and their guests are reminded that the current snowpack levels are unstable at the present time, exhibiting acute schizophrenic tendencies coupled with clinical brushes with chronic obsessive-compulsive behavior. Along with these classic maladies, we are observing a serious psychotic break with reality brought on by a tedious, often painful meltdown. In short, the snowpack has been cornered by a dysfunctional weather system that has left it climate-challenged and mildly neurotic.

Despite attempts to control this natural shift toward complete mental collapse by the application of drugs and an agenda of structured activities, the situation appears beyond help. The uninitiated are hereby warned to avoid contact with the snowpack and refrain from pointing, staring and snapping pictures of the subject during this seasonal duress.