Dirt Bag Law Taken to Cleaners by Council
Overdue Spruce-Up Crosses Partisan Lines
in “All the News”
Fast food found to kill pine beetles in laboratory
Major Breakthrough Leave Doubters in its Wake
In “Your Immediate Health”
Price of ladders, scaffolding skyrockets in Mexico
Carpenters, Hoarders Drive Up the Cost Of Travel
In “The Trades”
Marxists Remember Groucho
Posthumous Honor Bestowed With Fanfare
In “The Arts and Some”
Hitler’s favorite stand up comedian passes
Schadenfreude Dealt Weighty Blow
In “Looking Back”
How many tortillas would $21.6 billion*
buy for starving children in Mexico?
*estimates for building Trump’s wall
In “Breaking Science”
And you have the cajones to ask:
What’s all this to-do about yoga pants?
“Abandon dope all ye who enter here.” – sign at any one of Colorado airports, with apologies to Dante.
(Gunnison) In keeping with regulations set down by the Homeland Security Agency the San Juan Horseshoe will check the emotional baggage of all readers at the time of boarding. The procedure, much like that at the airport, is particularly interested in bombs but will also be looking for people smuggling cynicism into the paper as well.
Indications that potential readers harbor ill will toward security charades will be reported to the authorities immediately while any uncooperative attitude such as whispering, laughing at security personnel or negative body language will likewise be noted.
“We are particularly offended by persons rolling their eyes in response to questioning and chewing gum while in line,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, publisher of the paper. “Last month we discovered Saddam Hussein’s mustache attempting to sneak onto page 4. As it turned out the thing was in search of political amnesty but the very thought of terrorist activity sent shivers down our spineless accounting department.”
Readers accustomed to easy access will be inconvenienced with the boarding times lengthened by only a few minutes. Persons who fight the system will be detained and very likely denied entry altogether.
“We don’t care if you have a ticket and have never committed a felony,” continued Horseshoe. “As far as we’re concerned you are all potential terrorists and have no rights. The very fact that you might be reading is an indication that you do not support the efforts of the Trump Administration and should be deported.”
The paper will reportedly hire some 10,000 security people to man various departments where subversive element may attempt to gain entry. Subscription and advertising costs are expected to skyrocket but as Horseshoe says, “Unlike the gov’ment we cannot operate within a deficit spending mode. The new expenses are bad enough but what’s worse is going through all those suitcases. Our people aren’t trained for that sort of thing.”
(Muttontown) One of the last remnants of insurgent vegetarians, led by the madcap General Armand Tofu, were soundly whipped by the combined forces of Jose Carnivores, the Hero of Civiche Creek, near here last night.
The victorious troops, including contingents of the elite Swedish Meatball Division and the Porterhouse Cavalry swept down on the sleeping herbivores, catching most with their hands up and their pants down.
In addition to the swift victory, some 60 tons of fruit, grain, nuts and seeds were seized. According to Colonel Joaquin Giblet, commandant of mopping up operations, the contraband had been stores below ground beside an estimated 3000 pounds of rotting tomatoes picked in Mexico and shipped green to US markets.
“We figure the tomatoes were earmarked for the fodder of so many artillery barrages and might have been used in ham-to-ham fighting,” he quipped.
Generally herbivores do not engage in such tactics unless desperate, leading red meat loyalists to believe the end of the fighting is near. It is further surmised that radical vegan elements have already left the field and will no longer threaten the right and left flanks of the meatball division.
Military analysts suggest that the battle may have been over before it commenced since virtually the entire vegetarian contingent was swallowed up by the larger invading force. Elite beans and rice corps, kept in reserve on the side, were ineffective in a final thrust aimed at repelling the cavalry. Most were quickly captured and sautéed in a classic hammer and anvil movement.
The much-feared Soybean Boys, a volunteer regiment formed across the Muskmelon River during the Kohlrabi Uprising of ’48 were surrounded and steamed before they could get out of their tents while sentries scattered in the face of a furious onslaught led by Kid Marinade and his advancing Tar Tar shock troops.
The entire operation, conducted against the grain, took about 3 hours at 350 degrees. It was subsequently served with buttermilk biscuits and local fruit on a bed of wild rice.
– Mickey Meate