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Kellyanne Conway Doll Falling Flat in China

(Hong Kong) Sales of KellyAnne Conway Doll have been a fiscal disaster in China despite being pedaled by Trump interests with insider credentials .

“This is a wonderful doll, the best doll, the greatest doll in history,” Trump tweeted. “I’ve seen it on television and it might even be in my daily briefings.”

Kellyanne Conway Doll not selling well in China

Other members of the Trump Dynasty have been slow to show much support in recent marketing efforts. None are the least bit Chinese nor is Kelly Anne which many distributors say could be the problem here.

“Maybe some Asian features would help,” said one marketer. “Maybe a traditional outfit or cultural hook. We don’t have any travel bans on Kunming Cowboys do we? What, if anything, have we learned from the Hillary Clinton Doll disaster, orchestrated by the Democratic National Committee, in November?”

The model for the talking doll, and special advisor to Donald Trump, expressed concern over the slow sales saying that the only a segment of the Chinese really understand the product. Privately friends conclude that she is quite upset about what she sees as a rejection, but she continues to have faith that the doll will suddenly reinvent itself and fly off the shelves.

“We have over 2 million of these Kelly Dolls with a disturbing likeness to Conway,” said one Trump supporter. “I don’t think there are enough Chinese in Shanghai to move the dolls before Christmas. I just hope the administration survives that long or we’ll never unload them.”

Kellyanne has asked all real patriots to buy one in USA to support her material girl lifestyle. Vicarious living in a scrounger’s paradise is not on the daily menu of this Go Girl, who supports terminating social programs that benefit the poor in this country.

Meanwhile in Russia sales of the robust Vladimir Putin doll have lagged behind projections in part due to the surging popularity of the Donald Trump Voodoo Doll that comes with its own set of monogrammed pins.

Despite what must be disappointing setbacks for the First Family a new doll is reportedly on the assembly line which does not talk. An industry spokesman praised the new model adding that pre-production orders were brisk.

– Fred Zeppelin

Bloom’s Day Observances Set Around Globe

(Dublin) They’ll be wearing boater hats in Rio de Janeiro, sporting parasols in Seville, dressed in bloomers in Nairobi and draped in Edwardian stripe jackets in Paris. Some will be riding antique bicycles while others will be reading aloud passages from Ulysses on street corners.

On Bloom’s Day, June 16, James Joyce fans all over the world will, in their own whimsical ways, once again pay homage to Leopold Bloom, hero of Joyce’s story set on June 16, 1904 in Dublin.

The novel, called the greatest piece of fiction of the 20th Century, begins at 7 Eccles Street in Dublin town with Leopold Bloom, an advertising salesman, and his wife Molly frying up sheep kidneys for breakfast. It then follows Bloom as he negotiates the streets of the city 1113 years ago.

Participants from Zurich to London remember Bloom’s epic journey, a blueprint of Dublin at the turn of the last century, with a glass of Burgundy, mock turtle soup and a Gorgonzola sandwich for lunch (if in Dublin) at Davey Byrnes Pub on Duke Street (or perhaps Mulligan’s Pub over on Poolbeg). That’s where Leopold Bloom stopped to eat and later drink on that day.

Then the Dublin Bloom’s Dayers will most likely gather at the Ormand Hotel for another Guinness. That’s the place Bloom was tempted by the barmaids/sirens.

In Ulysses, Joyce’s love-hate relationship with Dublin, Bloom wanders the eccentric streets of one of Europe’s most fascinating cities. Today his groupies attempt to replicate his experience. If this kind of things sounds good to you connect to an Aer Lingus flight out of Denver. Slainte!

Anti-Solar Demonstrations Rock New York

An estimated 200 demonstrators blocked traffic and upset rush hour in Manhattan and Brooklyn today advocating the construction of more coal-generated nuclear plants and condemning further government research in the field of solar and wind generated energy.

The crowd, a mixture of tattooed businessmen and blue-collar professionals blended with all night disc jockeys union and an assortment of neighborhood toughs looking for someone to stomp.

The philistine assemblage soon began throwing rocks at the sun and shouting, “No Rays!”

Insiders blame the disturbance on poorly informed Fox News personnel who have continually warned that the adoption of solar energy will kill jobs while building petro nuclear power plants is good for the economy.

Actually the reverse is true,” said sociologist studying the behavior of mobs. “Today there are more than twice as many people employed in the solar industry than in the coalfields.”

“Damn the facts,” said one angry believer. “Those solar types would have you believing that the sun is free.”

Citing dangers in solar expansion such as sunburn and an overabundance of chlorophyll, the demonstrators jeered at anyone who did not visibly support them. One angry demonstrator challenged his adversaries to explain what they intended to do with potentially hazardous solar waste materials.

Some statements just don’t deserve a response, no matter how juvenile it might be,” said a solar enthusiast from Connecticut.

An entertainment venue, aimed at drawing supporters from the commuter throng, completely missed its mark. Although the wildly popular Chase Manhattan String Band (“There Goes the Sun” and “You Aren’t My Sunshine”) swooned Union Square, a slim crowd was estimated to be no more than 20 people, and some of those may have been waiting for the uptown bus to the Bronx.

The situation threatened to turn violent as pro-solar militias began surrounding the hapless demonstrators, cut off from their fellows by more than improprieties.

Suddenly a grueling late afternoon sun made its way across the wet, tepid sky driving participants, demonstrators, militias and bystanders into the shade for some relief from the heat.

Meanwhile in Ulster County two mounted loonies have reportedly been attacking windmills in some twisted solidarity with the whole affair.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

BUS ENTHUSIASTS FORM CLUB

(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.

In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night in the parking lot of at the former LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.

“We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Rolf Cramdose of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”

Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.

“With the Congress dragging its feet on passing clear energy bills we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramdose. “We seek to educate and entertain the public while presenting bus travel in a positive light. Yet every day we sit and watch as rookies hold up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”

– Gus Stoppe

Saint Roscoe Appears to Gamblers

(Black Hawk — “The 3.2 Sin Report” — 4 am in the summer, 2017)

The self-describe Patron Saint of TV Dinners and Tasteless Lawn Furniture, St Roscoe of Cahone, reportedly appeared to several low-stake gamblers here over the weekend. His muffled message: “Happy days are here again!”

That was it.

The supposed apparition, first seen at about ten in the morning in the lounge at the Dead Broke Casino by a Montrose man, Delbar Tinkleholland, hovered over the service bar then quickly moved out into the black jack section before landing feverishly to the quarter poker machines and then out an open window.

“This reminds me of a movie I saw once in grade school where three little kids and their alcoholic father worked in a hospital hauling lepers to and fro or something,” said a visibly shaken Tinkleholland. “He was wearing a sky-blue leisure suit and white deck shoes.”

One skeptic, Bardeen Pinzon of Golden, remains unconvinced.

“I’ve seen this same kind of action down at the Mega Churches. One night the reverend lifted off and went right through the roof,” she said. “It was once of those semi-domes but one of the righteous congregation forgot to open the top. It was messy but in a few days we had another brand new reverend to guide us through this life of sin.”

Pinzon then told a story of St Roscoe’s visit.

“I was sitting there at the black jack table with a king down and an eight up. The dealer appeared to be sitting on 20. Then, out of nowhere this Tinklholland fellow jumps across the table and starts screaming about a vision. He scared the hell out of me!”

Pinzon went on to say that the then lost her concentration, drew a five of hearts and went bust.

“I think someone should police these casinos more closely and keep the loose change out there in the parking lot,” she smiled.

Another Idaho Springs woman, who demanded animosity, said the whole affair was top-drawer, mindless, nightclub flash.

“He looked just like Wayne Newton. He was definitely Wayne Newton,” she drooled.

“I’ve seen him in Vegas. There’s no mistaking his voice.”

The scant credibility herein is linked to at least five gamblers referencing the blue suit and white shoes. Some 50,000 born again gamblers are expected this weekend although this pilgrimage may have little to do with St. Roscoe.

No photos survived the evening and parapsychologists from the Misty Mountains have been cautious as to sharing data.

– Susie Compost

“An army travels on it’s stomach and a newspaper travels on its liver.” – General US Wanamann, protesting last call at the Talk of the Clown Tavern, Lost Lake, Colorado.

Hug A Farmer Program Must Establish Clear Goals Says Developer

(Montrose) The much praised Hug A Farmer campaign, adopted here this spring, is under fire from a Telluride developer who feels the concept has lost its direction. Saying that farmers are enjoying all the hugs while ignoring their crops, Al Asphalt is calling for a moratorium on the program until County Commissioners can take another look at its current status.

“I’m putting in a strip mall south of Montrose and the last thing I need is a bunch of loved up farmers getting in the way,” said an angry Asphalt. “Why don’t they go away and plant some corn!”

Local country music standouts, The Pickle Sisters, are soundly behind the Hug A Farmer promotion which continues through harvest.

Asphalt has angered many in the agribusiness due to statements that Montrose does not need agriculture.

“We don’t grow anything up in Telluride and look at the big houses and all the cash that’s floating around town,” he quipped. “Now do you really think we could gather all that wealth by growing onions and potatoes?”

Asphalt subscribes to the Divine Right of Money, a theory which has taken American society down the path of love, happiness and financial security.

“Do you really think money grows on trees?” he asked.

Meanwhile local farmers, accustomed to receiving the affections of most local residents, have decided to disrupt Asphalt’s development by parking tractors in the way of heavy machinery and running cows up and down Highway 550 at peak traffic times.

“Enough development. Enough chains. Enough greed,” said Melvin Toole, who claims to have 400 acres in dynamite up Dry Creek Basin. “We have a downtown that is economically stressed and these charlatans keep building sterile buildings on what was once good pasture. Who’s gonna grow the food? Maybe the gov’ment can save us. We don’t know. Where are our elected officials when we need them?”

Toole went on to say that he and many other farmers enjoyed the hugs, and even a few kisses, but that they needed the local population to storm the offices of the powers that be and demand an end to the sprawl.

“Don’t these people pay any attention to their own damn lives, and the future of their kids?” he quacked, “or are they only interested in plastic consumerism.” –

– Uncle Pahgre