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TOOLE TURNS COUNTRY

by Princess Irm Peawit, Music Editor

(Nashville) A man who made millions penning revolutionary songs in the Sixties has turned his attention to the country and western scene. Melvin Toole, a former street musician and experimental percussion protege for such standouts as The Monkeys, Donnie Osmond, Tom Jones, Charley Pride and the late Lou Reed, has finally arrived.

Leaning heavily on heart-wrenching lyrics and repetitious, pounding twang, Toole has captured the hearts of country and western fans from Branson to Bemidji. His overnight success has startled the music world and left other, less responsive writers in the dust.

The diamond-studded cowpuncher, who will be appearing at Roscoe’s Gumbo Shack this weekend, is known for such classics as Okie from Muskogee, Will the Circle Be Unbroken, Coal Miner’s Daughter and I Walk the Line. Intertwined with old favorites will be selections from his newest compact disk entitled Thank You Jesus For Driving Her Out of Town, which is now available on the Testosterone Brothers label.

Check out these lyrics from the title song: My honey done left and I can’t get it right, She once held the candle and now it’s a knife. I’m eating the day and drinking in the night, still casting away but I can’t get a bite.

Note the impeccable rhyme sequence in the second line. It reminds one of Toole’s earlier accomplishments in the classic Amazin’ Grace, which he wrote on the back of a discarded seed catalog he found in a dumpster in 1979:

Amazin Grace, how sweet though art, I’d have fought with Robert E. Lee. I once was lost but now I’m found. I was blind but now I see. Incredible! Toole blends the enlightened jolts from his own spiritual roller coaster with a fine appreciation for seizing psychotic parameter and his willingness to keep fighting the Civil War. Since creating the song Toole has pocketed millions awarded in law suits against mortuaries and private individuals for unapproved use of the piece at funerals, and in rare cases, at weddings and barmitzvahs.

Toole with his drummer, Tokyo Jose on the South Platte in 1990.

His pop, cash generating hit If You’re Really Leavin’ At Least Your Momma Won’t Be Hangin’ Around My Double Wide No Mo’ is a weak attempt at humor amidst the pain of separation from his accountant while out on the road.

In an early version of his top selling album Nashville Skyline Toole seduces his audience with lines like: Lay lady lay, lay across my big brass bed. Lay lady lay, stay while the blight is still ahead. His mind is dirty but his hands are clean and you’re the only thing he’s ever seen. Wow! Toole’s images grab epic helping of pathos and the constant frustrations of the jerkwater male in the 21st Century.

In addition to writing soul searching lines Toole has also managed to make his mark in literature turning prose into poetry and poetry into a quintessential tour de force unequaled by all others with the possible exception of Hank Williams and Johnny Paycheck. His recently completed play, called Hamlet is expected to be yet another box office smash. (It opens under the stars at Pea Green Constabulary in August).

Often beginning his concerts with the ever-popular Stand By Your Man, Toole usually picks a young woman from the audience to help him with the rendition. In fact, if Toole would simply have avoided young women from the start he might be able to pay his electric bill today. But what does it matter in retrospect?

Some surprises: If this press release is correct Toole will be unveiling a new songs such as: If the Lord Done Forgive You, I Guess It’s All Right By Me, Porcelain Wall Flower, Ruby, Ruby Ridge and I Really Want To Punch Out That Feller By the Jukebox.

Known for lengthy performances Toole’s most recent public appearance lasted over 24 hours which still breaks down to about five dollars per hour at the current ticket rate. In the event of a sellout Toole has promised, in the fine tradition of George Jones and Jerry Jeff Walker, not to show up at all. Enjoy the show.

We’ll leave you with yet another barrage of clever lyrics penned by a man who has seen the penthouse and the gutter often within a time span of minutes. It’s called I’m On the Choppin’ Block With You:

Your corrugated lips,
those over-rated hips,
Your face in the morning dew,
I should have seen you comin’,
Honey, I’m on the choppin block with you.

Those late nights at the slaughterhouse,
You think I had no clue,
Too bad you’re still in high school,
I’m on the choppin’ block with you.

Fallen angels through the smokescreen
Vegematic rendezvous
Your dog may have the mange
Of all the vegetables I chose you.

The day we met we parted
As you stirred your magic slew
Just stop what you got started
Before my toes turn blue.
Honey, I’m right here on the choppin’ block with you.

 

What is the missionary position on UFOs?

What if space travelers land on earth? Does this contrast with existing religious beliefs practiced since the Dark Ages? How will the good folk respond if long-held beliefs collide with stark reality that there may be other heavens and earth out there in the Universe.

Leading missionaries say it all comes out in the wash which sounds like creative culture, the pretense to start creating new ancient folk tales and rules for the kneel-bent tribe.

Proof of other living creatures wandering around, might put the final nail in the coffin of earth-centered religions or propagate new directions for the spiritually assimilated.

Beings from other balls of rock have either been watching us or not, and we don’t know for how long either. Would we have behaved as humans if we knew there were cameras in the cosmic parking garage or strung over the satellite rainbow curtains that grace my house.
The authorities suggest stocking up on food and water in case of a Hollywood-infused alien invasion. I just figure on staying around home hoping they don’t land in the pasture near my bunker. A lot of starmen in my yard is more than I need right now.

– Finn McCool

“The Americans saw the Vietnamese peasantry as potential victims of a global Communist ideology. These poor Vietnamese saw the Americans as creators of garbage and debris from which they could build houses.”
Fire in the Lake by Francis Fitzgerald

Baby Boomers Often Infantile, Noisy Lot

True to their name, most baby boomers (people born from 1945 – 1960) are loud crybabies. According to unconfirmed sources in the National Nursery, more than 65% of this group can be obnoxious and disruptive as well.

As for the other 35%, they are quiet and happy enough. Most just want to be left alone to do what they do.

A micro-study, completed last night, compiled after more than 6 baby boomers were captured and coerced into answering such questions as: Where do you store your teeth at night? When was the last time you swam across a Great Lake? When angels cry do their tears join the rain?

The stunned control group failed to utter so much as one response during the interrogations.

Researchers quickly determined to scrap the project when denied a government grant to further exploit the issue.

– Roothie Roosterson

99 House Republicans Beach Selves

In what is being called instinctual suicide, 99 House Republicans beached themselves on a remote spot off the coast of North Carolina this morning. The former legislators began arriving at dawn, hurling themselves out of the breaking waves and onto the waiting sand.

Gasping for air and exhausted the fat ones expired first, followed by the young firebrands. Soon slippery, flipping bodies littered the area, prompting law enforcement officials to call for cranes and bulldozers to aid in the clean-up. Onlookers, some of who voted Republican in the last election expressed shock and awe on the scene.

The action represents the first time politicians have ended their existence en masse and Washington insiders say it is only the beginning. Many frightened Democrats had threatened to join the beaching but were afraid of the water and stayed away. The rescue effort and clean up were hampered due to polluted waters. Republicans blamed to EPA.

“Good people do not beach themselves,” said one unreliable source who demanded animosity.

“We haven’t conducted business since 2008, quacked a surviving Congressman from Colorado. “It was apparent last month that something was in the wings but we didn’t expect mass destruction.

GOP leaders, including Trump, Pence, Ryan, Sessions and McConnell promised to go down with the boys but reneged at the last moment, whisking off to Florida in an unmarked jet. That leaves a Democrat majority in the lower governing body.

Empty Congressional seats will be filled with sandbags until a special election can be held.

“We have 99 replacements set to replace them but the damned Communist Constitution will not allow it,” said a Trump Whitehouse spokesman who blamed Obama for the incident.

The news comes on the heels of an announcement that The Concussion Rule will not be activated anytime soon and will apply only to Senate.

– Pepper Salte

Colona Faces Another Summer With No Gov’ment

With just 17 months to go to go before another meaningless and expensive election charade, Colona is still without local gov’ment.

Colona, Colorado in the shadows of the San Juans is, still without local gov’ment. “Whatever shall we do?” say residents who, as of this morning, have yet to petition for state of federal intervention.

Agreeing that “Colona is a town that is not in need of leadership,” quad-mayoral candidates are lining up then sitting back down. Voters here are expected to vote to firmly against any legislative changes in the county’s third largest burgh. Most say they hope to go on with daily pleasantries unburdened by town gov’ment.

“Does anyone here understand how much $ it takes to feed even one small gov’ment?” asked one resident. “We have been taking care of ourselves for many decades here and don’t need local government officials skimming off the top.”

The Colonese have continued the practice of paying taxes to each other. In an attempt to prepare for a potential landing by a ruling body they say the drill keeps them alert and “provides a little pocket money”.

“I don’t mind tithing with my neighbors,” said one resident. “He’ll probably just grow sqash with it and give me some at harvest.”

Meanwhile a suspicious shipment of whitewash, in crates marked USA , was delivered Friday. Many fear it is the beginning of the end to glorius yet phantom and absent self-autonomy.

“Government is like going out on a date with Ayn Rand and asking who will do the driving,” said someone or the other.

– Melvin Tululu

Putin may owe 3.5 million to IRS

Vladimir Putin has catagorically denied he owed the United States Treasury Department any money since he had never worked in that country. However IRS files suggest that since last summer Putin has received payments of an undisclosed amount from a shadow US government checking account.

“They must be whopper checks or he’s been stuck into a higher tax bracket in accordance with economic sanctions imposed by The Obama Administration,” said someone on television. “So what do you know, Vlad’s been covering his paper tail (stet). He wouldn’t try that in Russia. They skin him alive right there in Fred’s Square.”

In an apparent effort to deflect attention, Putin today named former agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale in yet another hacking probe this time involving Dubai, Rio, Angora and Western Nebraska. The Cold War standouts, thought to be long dead have been living in in in Crete.

“We caught them (Boris and Natasha) red-handed,” choked Putin, “They were in Russia illegally to play golf. What fools.”

The well-tanned centenarians were arrested on the ninth hole (a tight par 3 with a dogleg left) while playing a round despite the frigid temperatures at Frostbite Balls, a golf corpse owned by the retired spies.

Longtime associates Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose, who filled out the odd foursome, were not held in connection with the incident. Friends fear for their well-being as Putin has placed them on the “endangered species list” for their own protection.

– Margot “Ramones” Romanoff

For a related thrill read: Putin – Rasputin: A Frightening Genetic Link 

 

“You are going to fail in Iraq because you do not know the language, the history, and you do not understand the Arab mind,” – Saddam Hussein