6. New Mexico
Source: Mutton on My Mind
By MacGregor the Bridge Builder,
Watergate Press, Santa Fe, NM.
– International Welding Review
– Popular Bartending
“The most concise waste of time
since the birdbaths of Carthage.”
– History Channel
“A stupendous balancing act”
– Flying Farcheezie Bulletin
– Radio KDAT
“White boy writing at its best”
– Vacant Lot Magazine
“Uplifting, a fun read.”
– The (Edwin) Meese Report on Pornography
proving once and for all that evolution is not for everyone.
“There are no dull subjects, only dull writers.”
– H.L. Mencken
(Toulon, France — Plastic Fantastic News –April 8, 2017)
Angry French students, fearful that the south of France will become another Orange County, attacked two Disney stalwarts here last night. Not seriously injured, the two icons remain quite shaken, after an attack in a peaceful country.
Police say a Donald Duck and a Mickey Mouse were cheated and released at the Of-All-the-Gaul Hospital and sped to the Parisian Latin Quarter and safe housing. The attacks appear related to a growing concern on the part of French progressives that the Disney Corporation would destroy the countryside and harm French culture while turning their country into a theme park.
Another park, began in 1992, has swallowed up vast portions of Gallic countryside near Paris. The city dwellers resent American attempts to import more plastic while French farmers are mad that excellent agricultural land is being turned into a parking lot for witless entertainment seekers.
“It is a carbuncle on the behind of France!” shouted one pissed off farmer. “This land has been farmed since Charlemagne!”
“Who is this Charlemagne? A new Disney character?” asked one resident who is anxious for the theme park to open.
The above farmer adds that his family has been running cows on an adjacent piece of property since around 1350. He says the Yankee dollar has no place in his country and the Yankee taste has even less an invitation.
“We sent them Miss Liberty and they send us rats and ducks,” continued the farmer referring presumably to the recuperating cartoons.
Police have no leads as to the assailants who they say may have been angry that the nation has been twice rescued by American armies in the 20th Century.
“I have no love for these mindless opportunists but I abhor violence,” said Marie LaVoude, a longtime pencil salesman on the Left Bank of the Seine. “If we allow this kind of behavior to go unpunished soon no cartoons will be safe. It will be like living Italy where cartoons can no longer go out in the daylight.”
LaVoude claims that three of the most brutal attackers were dressed as Charles DeGaulle, Napoleon and Maurice Chevalier respectively, which further substantiates fears that new right-wing blowback is brewing. Recent anger toward Muslim and African colonials living in France is also a concern.
“The US is still dealing with its legacy of slavery and we’re dealing with our colonial sins,” said LaVoude.
This is the second such incident in the French capital involving cartoon personalities. The first occurred when Elmer Fudd was slapped around while out hunting near Versailles in May and again while leaving the opera northwest of Louvre in March.
“And I’m not weawy a Disney cawacture,” peeped Fudd. “I’m just heaw hunting wabbit.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“If de land make you too hot, jump into de sea.”
– common advice on the island of Carriacou
The average share of stock in San Juan Horseshoe, Ltd. is up a rousing 17 1/4 from the previous period it was announced today. This cumulative gain leaves the hated scandal sheet 15th in net gains and 5th in overall volume through November. Investors have even allowed maverick publisher Kashmir Horseshoe to purchase badly needed office supplies, including an alarm clock and a pencil sharpener as a result of the recent gains. Here are the quotes in a nutshell:
NYSE LEADERS BY VOLUME
Company Sales cls chg
IBM 2,192,400 36 1/4 +3 1/4
American T&T 1,652,200 134 1/2 +1 1/2
ITT Corp. 1,605,876 21 1/2 +1 1/4
Citicorp 1,590,800 44 +1 1/4
SJ Horseshoe 1,500,005 13 +19 1/4
Wstgh El 1,235,005 39 1/4 -3 1/4
Goodyear 1,180,050 24 1/4 -1/2
Phillip Pts 960,000 28 1/2 +1 1/4
Hamm Pape 900,500 34 1/2 +1/4
Fed Nat Mtg 895,700 45 +2 1/4
For related article see
“Newsprint Drops on Spot Commodity Market: