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Solitaire Legend to Host Workshop

(Montrose) A complimentary clinic conducted by solitaire great Pinky Diamond and sponsored by the Laser State Continuing Education Department will be held at the Montrose Pavilion on August 4 according to the Uncompahgre Lonely Hearts Club.

The program, open to the public, will consist of seminars, an autograph session and footage of classic matches covering Diamond’s 48 years at the solitaire table.

“This may break the stranglehold that bingo has had on this community since World War I,” said Ginn Rooney, a one-armed blackjack dealer and highly recognized authority on parlor games who is credited with the invention of the designer poker chip in 1932.

Diamond, 98, raises emus on his 10,000 acre ranch near Colona. He retired from professional solitaire to pursue a career as a Tango singer in 2003 and was once the second-ranked solitaire player in the world. He reportedly mastered the demanding game while working as a sheepherder on California Mesa in the 20s.

“We’re real lucky to have him in town,” said Rooney, who will perform card tricks until someone has a better idea of how to spend the evening. We’re actually neighbors up near Buckhorn. He’s a lot more engaging than those surfers that used to live up here,” she said.

“He’s not used to playing solitaire in front of all these people,” smiled Rooney. “We hope he won’t let the crowd rattle him at tense moments of play.”

A native of Iceland, Diamond, who changed his name from Avril Balboa Bergstol at the end of the Spanish Civil War, represented his nation in the 1932 and 1936 Olympic Games. After that he enjoyed some success coaching and embraced organic farming. Most recently he has gained attention for his efforts to convince livestock as to the benefits of Daylight Savings Time.

“We fervently hope solitaire will gain the attention much deserved in the arena of international sport and recreation here on a local level,” quipped Rooney. “It may be the last chance we get to bring quality entertainment to the provinces.”

ALMOST, COULD HAVE AND MIGHT HAVE NEWS

The following stories have been included in this issue even though they fell inches short of qualifying as legitimate occurrences. Although the concept seems silly, our editorial elders felt that even these scant facts here deserved to be reported.

NUGGETS ALMOST WIN ONE

(Denver) The salmagundi of aspiring young athletes, known as the Denver Nuggets almost won a game recently, narrowly falling to the Boston Celtics. The patchwork team, led by an ambitious front line of anonymous warm bodies, came within 10 points of victory. A stingy defense showed signs of life in the third quarter. The game, which was tied 26 times, finally was wrestled away by the Celtics who scored 12 unanswered buckets in the fourth quarter.
The Nuggets are in the severe stages of rebuilding after losing several top players to free agency and frustration.

Escaped Prisoners Could Be Heroes to Some

(Pueblo) Convicts who successfully escape from prison could represent heroes to a twisted segment of the population. That’s what the Department of Corrections contends after apprehending three such inmates Friday.

The jailbirds, who eluded authorities for three days while hiding in the Shivaree Swamps east of here were greeted with cries of “Huzzah!” as they boarded paddy wagons to take them back to their cells.

Authorities here fear that the overtaxed, shell-shocked populace is having trouble distinguishing between the cops and the robbers.

“They think these thugs are some kind of Robin Hoods,” said one officer who is under investigation for extortion in a non-related case.

Mushrooms Might Have Saved Life

(Norwood) Eating mushrooms might have saved the life of a Placerville woman lost in the Edith Bunker National Forest for over a week in early May. Had it not been for the peanut butter sandwiches and carrot s she had brought along she might have fought off hunger with the fleshy fungi.

Carefully picking edible mushrooms the unidentified lass accentuated her otherwise drab cuisine until rescuers found her on the third floor of a Chinese elm late last night.

Toole Almost Wins Senate Seat

(Washington) Journeyman scribe Melvin Toole came close to winning a senate seat yesterday although he campaigned only from his bear claw bathtub in suburban Virginia.

In fact, as the details of political jousting become clear, Toole was never a legal candidate having been born naked in Canada in 1937.

Experts are convinced that Toole’s excellent showing has a lot to do with voter apathy and a sense of distance with the powers that continue to govern.

The seat itself was a crushed velour with gargoyle trim featuring oak trim and a curious mephitis common to the notorious public restrooms of the Menshevik Period.

Toole had no comment having fallen asleep during the returns.

Hopped Up Teens Just About Wreck Colona

(Montrose) Beer guzzling teens from up the street came close to sacking the tiny fishing village of Colona Wednesday. The fracas seems to have been the result of infighting over a spelling bee held in downtown Cahone last March.

The scoundrel element smashed windows, spit on the street and dodged semis on Highway 550. Later in the evening local fire departments were unable to keep them from the more fashionable neighborhoods of East Colona and Grog Hill Mesa where the disturbance reached epidemic levels.

Hurricane May Have Leveled Bingo Hall

(Grand Junction) Hurricane Rick may have been responsible for the total loss of Oil of Olathe Bingo Complex on 35298844 Road here. According to authorities the 400 mile-per-hour winds of Rick could have “hurled a two-bit tart from a tuna boat Thursday.”

Of course, as we all know by now, Hurricane Rick, and most of the killer bee population, never had an impact this far north. The county coroner has sighted natural causes in the disaster, either that or planetary suicide, depending on a out-of-body skin graph experiment scheduled for the weekend.

Rick was not held since that would be vistually impossible.

Compiled by Suzie Compost

Reporter Jailed on Conspiracy Charges

(Montrose) Longtime lightweight Melvin Toole was arrested this afternoon and charges with passing sensitive security secrets to North Korean agents allegedlly encamped on the Uncompahgre River here. Toole, thought to be a pawn in the classic pincher movement, is being held without snacks or TV at the new Justice Center.

His lawyer has scheduled a press conference for the Cornhouse steps tomorrow at high noon.

According to prosecutors Toole was observed snapping pictures of top secret sites, in particular the clandestine Western Area Power Administration of the highly regarded Bureau of Land Reclamation on Rio Grande Avenue.

One eye witness, Emily Postmortemme, a BLM employee since before mood rings, accused Toole of exaggerated espionage and criminal mischief in trampling her petunias, which were planted in reclaimed soil during coffee breaks in April.

“I was just sitting at my desk staring out at the parking lot, like I do every afternoon, when I saw the alleged assailant pull into a handicapped space. He looked around to see that no one was watching and slithered onto the lawn where he began his photosensitive assault on one of our sacred institutions. With all the cops employed by this city it seems almost mathematically impossible that he could have sneaked onto this installation unchecked, but there is no end to the hideous initiative of these spy types.”

While falling short of describing Toole as a mastermind in the sphere of espionage, authorities did say they suspect that Toole is a kingpin in a massive undercover ring that has been selling sensitive secrets to foreign governments at local yard sales and auctions since the Eighties.

“This thing is bigger than we had first expected,” said one police officer. “It could stretch from Craig all the way to Durango. Now that we have incarcerated Toole we can begin investigating anyone else who has connections to the said area of operation. We’ll even interrogate federal employees and school children if that’s what it takes to solve the mystery. We have guns and mace and dogs too.”

A midnight roundup of foreign nationals along the Uncompahgre River netted police only two illegal aliens from Sonora, a sun worshipper from Silverton and three bags of assorted beer cans. Police have reportedly scheduled a Janet Renoesque raid on local RV strongholds in hopes of catching North Korean agents red-handed with the goods over the weekend.

“Just because we didn’t catch any of those dirty Communist North Koreans doesn’t mean their not here en masse,” said the investigating officer who demanded anonymity. Police reported that they did corral a Navajo hurling team from Tuba City on their way to a tournament in Meeker.

“We pulled them over at 1300 because they looked quasi-oriental,” said one officer, “and on suspicion of driving under the influence of an uncontrolled substance since their lights weren’t on. We would have liked to issue a summons since no one was wearing a seatbelt but our current safety laws don’t cover school buses.”

Meanwhile Toole insists he is innocent of all charges with the possible exception of violating the constitutional rights a handicapped parking space.

“Constitutional rights, heh?” quipped the officer. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned after my two weeks on the job and my three weeks in training it’s that when they start mouthing this constitutional hubbub there’s a card-carrying commie in the woodpile.”

Although attorneys for the accused have taken a recreational approach to the defense of their client, they expressed confidence that the entire matter will be sorted out in quart sometime next year.

“Mr. Toole was well within his rights to photograph the BLM building. If another party then flattered him by wanting to buy the photo that is legal too. We all know how arrogant artists can be and Toole is no different.”
Claims that North Korea wanted the picture so as to steal secrets regarding land management were discounted by the lawyers as poppycock.

– Rocky Flats

State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by Fall

(Denver) Strategists here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 135 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for seven months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as June 15.

“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said one planner and recognized brains behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”

The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.

“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toole. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”

– Uncle Pahgre

Bunkers Beware!

Winners of the Double H Dessert Classic held at Moab Golf Club last week pose for a photo. Bill Hofhine and Kevin Haley enjoy a slight reprieve in the demands of athletic excellence. After 27 holes, continual dialogue and the 88 degree heat, the linksters were understandably fatigued and soon adjourned to the bar.

Capitol Could Be Casino by 2019

(Washington) The United States Capitol may see cards and poker chips as early as September according to sources over at the Federal Reserve Board. Although discussion goes on this morning in the House Ethics Committee, approval for the casino is now said to be only a formality.

The facility could be operated by the Potomac Indians, a tribe once thought to be extinct. Real estate claims to what is now the District of Columbia date back to the 1600s and appear to be legitimate. London-trained Lawyers for the Native American contingent affirmed that the matter would never go to court.

Many Congressmen seeking election this year feel that the potential profits generated by the casino could pull the federal budget out of the basement and make them look more attractive to cynical voters across the nation. The Potomacs have agreed to kick back lease with option to buy funds into an escrow which could then be placed in the general fund to finance such programs as Sociable Security and the War on Tourism.

“We expect to run a clean game here,” said one felt table lobbyist, “therefore elected officials and their entourage will be banned from playing anything but the slot machines.”

Unreliable sources here contend that if the Capitol were not redesigned as a casino it would probably become a bed and breakfast or fall victim to a time sharing.

“It’s finally come to this,” said the source. “We can’t keep operating a government at such a hefty deficit.”