(Nuuk) A previously unknown White Supremacist cell, that until last week had meekly operated in far reaches of northern Maine, is now conducting negotiations with longtime landlord Denmark for the purchase of the Greenland.
Fear of a woman or another minority ascending to the White House appears to have been the conduit for the move. An estimated 500 legions are said to be ready to take possession of the frozen giant “one way of another”, according to uniformed militia, amassed on hundreds of small vessels along the cold, rocky coast.
“We’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse,” said one old salt, sitting on a his ship’s only lifeboat in Baffin Bay. “We don’t need food either because we’re tough and accustomed to foraging.”
Greenland, located between the Arctic and Atlantic Oceans, is the largest island in the world if one considers Australia to be a continent. Most of its population are Inuit and speak a bastardized Greenlandic that even the bearded seals and musk oxen don’t understand.
“If the Danes don’t come to terms we’ll storm the place.” pledged several of the Aryans. “It worked in Poland.”
According to a recent statement the group first looked into acquiring the Falkland Islands (Islas Malvinas if you are Argentine) but the Brits weren’t interested in selling. Africa was out since former colonial experiments there have failed miserably. “Southern Chile or even the Cook Islands showed promise but they are too far south to pick up Rush Limbaugh or other rightist heroes on the radio.”
“We are seeking an Aryan Utopia,” explained one man busily loading shells into an amphibious craft, a nation of armed utopians are we.”
The Danish government had no official comment on the proceedings. Many leaders there privately conveyed hopes along with fears that with the rapid warming of the planet Greenland might have palm trees, sandy beaches and a tropical air about it in no time at all.
Although Greenland was granted home rule Denmark still manipulates the island’s icy purse strings. That tiny European country controls foreign policy and most importantly monetary policy.
“We could have another Miami Beach up there on the Arctic,” said one critics of the transfer. “Think of all the white hotels and the beautiful people dropping money from the sky!”
“We have been baby-sitting the place since the early 18th Century and would like to at least recoup our initial investments,” he said. “These upstarts are offering little more than carfare. Selling the island now makes about as much sense as charging a herd of rhinoceros with an ax handle.”
– Mr. Ha Ha
(Crested Butte) Ed didn’t see it coming. That’s what he told police after crashing his infamous Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon into the East River just south of here. According to his testimony on the scene Ed (no last name given) was driving his tri-axle food cart along Highway 135 at about 25 miles per hour when the accident occurred.
“The wagon hasn’t moved much faster ever since the emergency brake got stuck near Leadville in 1969,” said Ed. “Sure, I’ve got a 350 Chevy engine under the hood but that drag is persistent and I don’t want to put any more money into her.”
According to a police report Ed was doing fine, minding his own business until he came upon a speed limit sign, reading 40 miles per hour, just past Crested Butte South.
“When I noticed the sign I sped up to 40 so as to adhere to the law,” continued Ed. “It was then that I felt the rear end shift and all that liver moving around unchecked. In a matter of minutes I was off the road, down the embankment and into the river. The water was cold.”
Local health officials are testing the waters at present to determine if contamination has taken place.
“The high concentration of grease on that public nuisance wagon may cause some problems down river but at this time all the fish are present and accounted for,” said a source at Roaring Judy Hatchery, an alleged front for CIA operations in the valley. “Doesn’t Ed know that the speed limits aren’t to be taken literally and are up to the personal discretion of each driver?”
A dispatcher for the Highway Patrol told the Horseshoe that she had never heard of anyone speeding up to be in compliance with posted limits. She said Ed seemed disoriented when interviewed by officers but was in good shape otherwise following his dip.
“It’s the first real bath I’ve had since my wife ran off with a sausage man in 1990,” said Ed, who was the only eye witness to the mishap.
From first observation it appears that the cart, which was towed out of the river this afternoon, is a total loss.
“I was barely able to recover any of my provisions and I almost forfeited my Russian Wolfhound to that raging river,” said Ed, who claimed losses in the $400,000 range. “Right now I’m searching for another food cart or the summer will be a thing of the past.”
The water-logged cart, which had been registered in Utah, has been brought to the new Crested Butte Visitors’ Center where it will be on display until new furniture arrivesfrom Denver in August.
– Small Mouth Bess
(New Jork – Wannabee Flyer — April, 2017)
Research engineers here confirm that the current state of social disrepair has outgrown its traditional parameters. The proportional statistics are not looking good for the future either.
Illustrating this rude malady we see broken vacuum cleaners, dysfunctional bread makers, a wrecked recliner…and that’s just in the living quarters. Out on the barn there is a dilapidated satellite dish, two camper trailers in pieces, a quaint but broken ceramic birdbath and a scattering of school desks scuttled before their time.
The trends see us moving toward throw-away everything in a recycled nightmare,” concludes Dr Irm Peawitt of the Polo Grounds Institute, a new age think tank, located under the 3rd Street Bridge which has been broken and out of commission since the end of hockey season.
“Today in our cities there are over 400,000 toasters out of commission while almost 2500 cars wouldn’t start this morning,” said Peawitt. “We haven’t a clue where to go with all of this but since our budget runs through next December we’ll keep coming to work. We have stored everything in secret, fireproof files for posterity and according to strict federal regulations.”
“God help these government people if the check writing machine or the shredder goes on the fritz,” laughed Peawitt. “My agency accomplishes little and therefore our shenanigans are an open book and every Friday we are paid in gold bars which are nice but often difficult to cash over the weekend.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”
– Ann Wilson-Schaef
(Havana) The Cuban government has announced its aim to repay foreign debtors with it’s famous rums. (Name a few here) have been earmarked as the finest for export to countries who have helped the island nation weather he storm of economic embargo.
Russia and China are already on board with the Czech Republic, Vietnam and an assortment of South American countries showing interest in the plan. Other say “maybe…but what kind?”
A wide range of quality of rum exists in Cuba from gourmet to low-end. The rate of exchange and how the rum would be shipped were not clear however the architects of the exchange appear certain that the deal will go through, allowing everyone to enjoy the national nectar.
“Everyone knows about Havana cigars,” said one official here. “But many don’t realize we produce the finest rums in the world. Soon we might even sell the beverage in Western countries who have supported to embargo, she said.
Lobbyists with several Puerto Rican rum distillers have filed a complaint with the United Nations and the OAS but no one has responded from those organizations leading watchdogs to believe them naive in the ways of international business.
“The rum is easily the best and we don’t really want to export it at all,” said the source alluding to the thirsty residents of the Caribbean locale. “It’s either the rum or coconuts which are perishable or Fifties vintage Chevrolets that are cumbersome and somewhat impractical anywhere else but here.”
– Jolly Pena
“They think we’re old and useless. They forget that we too have earned he right to live! So I say if we are going to die, my friend, let us die trying, not sitting” – Sa to Ch’idzigyaak after the two old women were left behind by their starving nomadic tribe in the Arctic.
– Two Old Women by Velma Wallis
April 10 – May 31: Uncompahgre National Forest, Rio Grand National Forest, Gunnison National Forest (silent bidding only please) plus household goods, children’s swings, toys, transmission for 1958 Edsel, used bed sheets, washer and dryer. No sales before 9 am. No phone calls.
(Jack’s Cabin) An internationally acclaimed script about Siberian prison guards training here appears to be headed for the silver screen. Directed by Clint Eastwood, who, according to a Harris Poll, is the nation’s most popular movie star, the film chronicles the lives of several Russian soldiers who trained in the Gunnison Valley for winter military duty in Siberia.
The story begins prior to World War I with czarist prison guards bivouacked up Taylor Canyon on a frigid morning. It follows the strained relations of the Stalin years and ends up with a present day scenario featuring joint cooperation between former Cold War enemies.
“Running the gauntlet from back in the early Nineteenth Century,” synopsized Eastwood, “we watch as clean-shaven, godless Red Slavic hordes are transformed into clean-shaven, red-blooded anti-terrorist contingents secretly linked to NATO. It has all the elements of another blockbuster.”
When surveyed most Gunnison residents were not sure if the film was based on fact or simply a fictitious account.
“It will beat the hell out of watching the weather reports,” said one chilly well digger who lives in Antelope Hills.
“I’d go to more movies in the winter but it’s too cold to leave the house,” said another resident who sells ice.
Although admittedly far fetched the movie does offer a human side when former Soviet Naval forces, sent to Miami for rest and recuperation, riot when told they won’t be returning to Gunnison for two weeks. This scene is reminiscent of clips from Doctor Shiva showing disgruntled Russian soldiers returning home from the front in 1916.
-Small Mouth Bess