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Air Guitar Academy Closes Doors

(Escucha al Monte) The Solo Air Guitar Academy, a social fixture in the region since 1955 has announced its closure effective tomorrow morning. Calling the event unfortunate, sources there say the program was simply a victim of the times.

“Kids today are far too abstract to be entertained strumming the air and pressing fake cords for hours no matter how much they like the tune,” said one instructor who has worked at Solo since it’s founding.

Called Berry Institute at the time, in honor of late rocker, Chuck Berry, the musical program has undergone little change since that time holding on tightly to traditions and showing a stubborn streak when it came to adopting new techniques, especially the use of 8-tracks and cassettes, then digital recording and ipods.

“Air guitar is air guitar,” stressed another instructor who embraces a more classical approach to the musical mime. “Either you have faith or you don’t. Everyone fantasizes about being the lead guitar picker or even fingering the bass. People today expect to be entertained by outside stimuli like television and the internet. They don’t have time for this kind of nonsense, at least in a social regimentation.”

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)The cost of season or single Bronco tickets is no longer covered by most health insurance programs. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own, cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

SWAT Team Responds to late flies

(Ridgway) The local volunteer civilian SWAT team has released figures on its celebrated autumn fly offensive of 2016, which stretched, at high water mark, from Cow Creek to Elk Meadows. Confirmed kills number in the tens of thousands. In Carne Canyon alone the orange-clad troops told of heavy fighting and a complete defeat for the bothersome insects who, affected by recent cold weather, seemed listless and slow to react to assaults.

One local red crack told The Horseshoe that all the commotion was disturbing the local bear, many whom already suffer from acute hibernative interruptus. He called on all sides to cease hostilities until the spring.

In a related piece the local chapter of the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution is hosting a rummage sale to benefit operations along the border with Latin America. With over 4000 members patrolling the stretch between Nogales and Naco the UDAR hopes to raise $20,000 to purchase lemonade and cookies given to refugees in the Sonoran Desert.

Huey Long Demands Recount

(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.

Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalo Phil Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.

It is not known how long Long will be in town.

Judiciary Contest Winner Announced

(Crested Butte) Little Melvin Toole of Irwin has won first place in the 2017 Judiciary Contest sponsored by the local civil liberties union. Toole, 6, took home $300 for correctly defining habeas corpus as the right to stand before one’s accuser and the right to protection from unlawful restraint.

The second place finisher Marigold Swami of Crestone defined habeas corpus as producing a dead body while three others said it was a lusty, hummus-like porridge favored by those of Scottish origin.

In the final tally 35% of those participating said habeas corpus was a disease common to wild boar while almost 50% said it was the name of a Roman Emperor. One woman told us it was the name of a popular Durango micro brew.

In addition to the cash Toole will receive an Attica basketball jersey and a free boat trip around Alcatraz Island.

– H. L. Menoken

 

 

No more newspaper!

After 40 years the newspaper version of the San Juan Horseshoe has been put to rest but the electronic version is here to stay. Read us on sanjuanhorseshoe.com

Heads above the rest

Trump body slams Pence, Ryan and Sessions on green

President Donald Trump body slammed two high ranking members of his administration and the Speaker of the House today after missing a four-foot putt. The gymnastic feats occurred on the 16th hole at his exclusive Truth Monger Country Club in Pokawanakipsie County, Florida.

The attacks came in perfect sequence, surprising a hoard of onlookers but not insiders, who say that pressures related to daily functions have finally reached a boiling point. Many feel the President simply overreacted to harmless taunts about his golf game.

“Paul Ryan laughed when he bladed a nine iron last month,” said Trump spokesperson Yuri Putin. “That’s why the President secretly hates him. He calls him the Irish Undertaker…Says he heard it on cable television.”

Mike Pence is not out of the woods either according to Putin. Only Wednesday the Vice-President angered his boss with an off-handed comment somehow comparing the Commander-in-Chief’s swing with “the movements of an antique waffle iron.”

While the other two stew, Jeff Sessions has apologized for joking about the variety of plastic plants that don the Oval Office. He’s alleged to have said that the President is (to paraphrase) way out in front when it comes to the plastic plant culture. In addition he prefers to walk 18 holes rather than succumb to the slothful golf cart journeys preferred by Trump.

This reportedly irritates the President.

– Susie Compost

CANE LICENSE DEADLINE LOOMS

(Montrose) People carrying canes here have until Thursday to procure licenses for same or face stiff fines. Whether a citizen is using the cane as a tool, a crutch, a walking stick or simply an accessory he must comply with the new regulation.

Critics of the law say it is just another step toward a national ID card. They say that although the card is presented as necessary security against illegal aliens and terrorists it is just another attempt by the control freaks to look up your dress/down your shorts.

“I’d prefer trainloads of illegal immigrants in my backyard rather than have an ID number stenciled on my forehead,” said Rocky Flats, a semi-retired atomic scientist and frequent cane user from Olathe. “I’m gonna use my cane and I’m not gonna buy no damn license. Them that gets in my way wanting to see credentials will get a close up look at my walking stick, you betcha.”

A free-lance gov’ment source defended the action.

“We don’t want to get involved in people’s personal lives, no sireee…We just want to defuse a potentially explosive scenario before it becomes a life threatening situation,” smiled Suzanne Compost of the Committee for Public Safety.

“What with all those baby boomers hitting senior status we expect to see more people using canes. In fact, we estimate that cane use will all but double by the year 2022.”

Compost went on to deny rumors that the feds will patrol older neighborhoods checking paperwork, even kicking canes out from under elderly people who choose to ignore the law.

“That’s ridiculous,” she quipped. “Some of those old farts carry mace, bite and have mean cats. Why would we jeopardize the safety of our people? We can just wait till these criminals take a nap on a park bench, lay their canes down at the local cafeteria or go to pick up their sociable security checks at the mailbox, then we simply the seize the illegal cane.”

The AARP, the ACLU, Reader’s Digest, the manufacturers of Viagra and several prune juice processing plants have promised to appeal the new legislation.

– Uncle Pahgre

DOW Won’t Buy Bear Suits

The Colorado DOW will not purchase bear suits this summer.

The announcement comes as budget cuts dictate movements by the forest wardens. Most years (since 1951) the DOW has acquired bear suits from a local vendor so as to snoop on bruins in their natural habitat.

“Our findings have been remarkable but we still haven’t figured out what makes these monsters tick,” said Gabby Haze, a longtime state ranger in the Uncompahgre National Forest who works with law enforcement to identify bad bears who may be a problem down the road.

Haze went on to say that the bear always knew they were there snapping photos and measuring footprints.

“They just ignored us although, playing along with the charade. I remember once that an amorous female bruin took a shine to my partner Al. It was during making season and we had to transfer her heart’s delight to a desk job for the remainder of the summer.”

Another time a young cub mistook Betsy, our field engineer for his mother and wouldn’t go away. We finally found his angry mother and reunited the pair. Betsy, who has no children of her own, was devastated taking an extended sick leave. She now works only with hatchery fish who have no particular family ties.

“The main reason for the termination of the bear suit things is because it is degrading and stupid for a; parties. Rangers, say the experts, would be better off driving around in their green pickups dressed as people. Bear incidents are the same either way.”

How this decision will affect the local economy in nearby Pinkyville remains unclear. The town’s income, based on bear suit manufacturing is sure to suffer due to cutbacks here and in other regions.

“They haven’t ordered moose or elk outfits since 2015 and we don’t expect any new orders in the fox or fowl categories until the winter,” said a spokesman for Ed’s Furriers. “They say the agents were engaged in unnecessary risks climbing trees to observe eagles who saw them coming for miles.”

Ed’s plans to keep the finished suits in cold storage until new markets can be established. One veteran stitcher says “Halloween might save us, otherwise it will be a paltry winter for everyone in town.”

Authorities are on the lookout for an increase in poaching for some unknown reason.

– Muriel Armbruster