(River City, Iowa — February 12, 2016)
As primaries heat up, the Missing Link, who declared his candidacy for president on Friday while jigging for frogs on the upper Mississippi, is set on more monkey business.
The Link, who many on both sides of the plutocratic aisle say is no more than a comic disruption, will campaign in a full ape suit. The striking attire, created by Argentine designer, Pilar Zeta, features a protruding nose, large inset eyes and hair…lots of hair. The costume/outfit is modeled after traditional gorilla suits worn by authentic mountain gorillas in the Virunga Mountains of Central Africa.
International police have engaged in a massive manhunt for the Link since he allegedly escaped from a holding cell at Los Alamos National Laboratory in 1945. Analysts can only assume if that this fugitive status will hamper efforts to reach voters before its too late.
Although authorities insist they just want to talk to the Link supporters and the ACLU contend that “those people” want to incarcerate the Link and subject him to a battery of experiments as to the origins of man.
– Senor Panuelo
(Montrose Language Lab – February 11, 2016)
A free lip-reading seminar is slated for late November, compliments of the Colorado Division of Motor Vehicles. The course has been streamlined from last year, concentrating on senior drivers, teens and those in need of anger management therapy.
The course, conducted for all drivers, is expected to “better the communications between easily irritated motorists and those with less than perfect hearing” according to Melvin O’Toole, Executive Director of Sociology and Downright Ignorant Behavior at nearby Pea Green Academy.
“The offering will concentrate on the 20 most common phrases of frustration associated with bad driving habits,” quipped O’Toole, “so that even with air-conditioning on, and in winter with the windows rolled up, clear communication of distinct concepts and suggested ideas will flow.”
O’Toole did not touch on complaints that many local drivers are dozing off at the wheel or exhibiting a trance akin to heavy television users. Traffic noise, vehicle vibration or even the radio lulls them to sleep when it usually keeps other drivers alert.
“They are somewhere else than in the driver’s seat,” said O’Toole. “It’s a wonder they make it to the grocery and back.”
Mass transit, recently available in the city, was expected to relive this chronic problem or at least discourage driving at prime times. Unfortunately suspect operators often forget about this option, after locating their keys and backing into the garage door or a potted plant in the yard.
Persons over 75 will receive a companion print version of the class so as to insure they do not miss clever, innovative vulgarities hurled at them by motorists wishing to adhere to the speed limit and reach their destination before nightfall.
– Attila Diggins