This is the San Juan Horseshoe
“Colona Gate” – Photo by Delinda Austin
“That Laughing Newspaper from Western Colorado”
Please remove shoes before entering categories such as Lifestyles and Soft News, accessible 24 hours a day simply by clicking on the names like Featured Peeks and Hard News directly under the masthead.
Official humor website of the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution (1775 – 2015).
Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our Rocky Mountain stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in fish emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.
Sorry, weekend editions no longer come with Full Irish Breakfast.
This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Chang Mai wanting to borrow a cup of rice. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a humorous Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was all wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!
As with all newer endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. (Oft the same).
Failed comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.
Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).
Contact us: firstname.lastname@example.org and
P O Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427
COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2015
Serving Region Zen and the Snotty Beach Communities since 1977.
Another fine product from Musick’s Bad Tuna Aftershave,
olfactory gatherers and makers of perfumes, lotions & aperitifs
since moments before the storming of the Bastille.
Howdo, y’all. She was a large Latina woman. I asked her to tango. She thought I said tangle. The next thing you know I’m face down on the hard wood dance floor, a loutish throw rug, barely grooving to that salsa beat. Oops caught again with my fingers on the computer keys when I should be talking to you…
I’ve been incognito of late, mollycoddling tomato plants, enjoying a camping trip or a stroll around the golf corpse. But I’m way ahead of some, like my Uncle Earl. The least favorite of all the distant uncles in the family, Uncle Earl, if I may go on, is the kind that gives little kids (I was once one) the creeps.
While camping in tin, he once backed his rig over the pup tent monogrammed and designated for use by Little Nellie, his wife’s poodle. Fortunately Nellie was out for an extended poopoo and escaped certain death by the initial blow, combined pressure and proximity to hard surfaces. It might have qualified as the “massacre of the summer” at Red’s RV Paradise.
This is not to say Nellie did not have her own issues- the result of Earl’s insistence that she ride in a glass-enclosed “Poodle Pope Mobile” observatory- looking structure, welded to the top of the RV. He says he has allergies and that the dog hates him. As one might assume this mode of transportation made the yap-yap a little nervous, snappy and quite unlikable.
But at least she’s not unpredictable like the bears out here. If you think you’re camp food is safe inside your vehicle, think again. Bruins are adept opening car doors without a can opener, and usually create quite a mess looking for peanut butter, or sardines, or whatever bears crave in the middle of the night. Better ideas are afloat. Why make them work for the food that they are going to steal anyway?
In addition to my displaying my white flag: a Lake City Friends of the Bear bumper sticker, which clearly states my intentions and my politics on the subject, I generally set a picnic table for the fuzzy intruders before retiring to my tent for the night. Napkins (cloth please), glassware, 2 or 3 courses (honey burritos are quick and popular) and even a little candlelight does wonders. This way I can just hose down the eating area (Yes, bear can be pigs but are actually related to dogs) and not the interior of my car. Remember: If you go this route, bear have large appetites but can be fumbling idiots when it comes to proper fork use or even passing the salt. Do not attempt to instruct! Don’t scrimp here or you could be the snack. Remember: bear drink beer and even a futile sip in a discarded bottle will attract one or two revelers at inopportune times of the night.
If you’re looking to make sense out of this website, maybe you should try reading the local telephone book, Ulysses or the assembly manual for the latest Chinese lawn ornament. You’d have better results. If not, continue on with our tamper-proof scribbling. This contrived brand of journalism is like riding in a ’59 Cadillac sans doors: The breeze is nice, the fins are cool but the gas mileage is lousy. However, we have been known to pay a finder’s fee for fuel-injected metaphors, repair flats for free and change proof readers every 3,000 miles.
For those of you searching for the GENERAL EVACUATION PLAN schematic turn to the coded instructions under Snap Bean in your compendium of useful knowledge. Most of these articles are no more than clothes hangers for our mercantile fetish. They read like a lunatic’s grocery list. (Insert value card here, but let’s get on with it.)
Herein you’ll read about our plan to spring Edward Snowden from jail, then clone him. Next, thrill to the digestion of data on the newly developed Anti Road Rage Chewing Gum. Weee doggies!
Other crackerjack pieces include Learning To Speak in Italics where Melvin Toole walks you through the primitive linguistic rituals of phantom Lizard Head warriors without a net.
After mastery of this ancient elocution you may be ready for our explosive photo essay Prairie Hens vs Sage Dogs shot from a glass-bottom sagebrush schooner near Gunnison. Speaking of the Pearl-on-Tomichi, did you hear that all 117 Republican Presidential candidates will appear at this year’s Gunnison Oktoberfest. Get your tickets now!
While exposing one’s high tech side may still be illegal in Colona, our science editors have been busy formulating a series of irksome stories for your literary audit. The award-winning series, Telemarketing in the Bathroom: Exploiting the New West, is certain to run you up a tree. Don’t miss our stunning update on Wapiti flatulence. It’s worse than previously surmised and now threatens the region’s wild flowers.
Articles such as Bandits Cleared From Jeep Trails and Nebraska Builds Star Wars Defense System for Colorado Potheads are sure to stir up someone’s hornet nest.
A reminder: 2016 is The Year of the Marmot and the weekly Vent-Your-Rage Bonfire in Ridgway has been moved to Wednesday nights due to a conflict with the Legumes of the West program. Quote of the month: Only dead fish go with the flow. Chow, amigos.
with Dwin “King” Hevaway,
Executive Corrections Editor
Queens of former island nations have reminded us that THEY are not former, and in fact can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of ROYAL hygiene and regular professional care.
Prescription prices advertised in our Mexican home pages are not available in this country. In order to obtain these prices it is necessary to gain Mexican citizenship and wave protection by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. (Warning: These protections, enjoyed by the bulk of our readers, cannot curtain nausea and related symptoms experienced during the consumption of this newspaper.) Dual citizenship may be an option for readers living adjacent to international commodes installed at major border crossings.
Words and letters cut out of cereal boxes and lottery tickets used by the publisher to craft Editor’s Coroner cannot be used as evidence to the extent that they are accountant’s work product, relating to audits that someday should be done. Fourth amendment lawyers have assured us that no controlling legal authority exists in this area, or in Grand Junction.
Hemi-dexi semiquavers, shown as English Horn cues in the Baritone Horn part, published in the revised score of the San Juan Horseshoe theme song should be played a cappella, preferably in a sound-proof environment.
Clown costume diagrams, from the late 19th Century Eastern European circuses featured in our June edition were intended to present a certain flavor, rather than an exhaustive study of the genre. We thank the thousands of readers who have provided us with further examples and will certainly consider using this material the next time we explore the subject.
Our May expose’ of matchbook art test fraud was in no way intended to disparage the many legitimate correspondence art schools which use this medium as a bonafide recruitment or enrollment technique. Readers are reminded, in executing submissions, that it is not necessary to include the caption “close cover before striking” in their drawing.
San Juan Horse Ventures, the corporate structure diagrammed in last month’s issue, incorrectly showed our overseas manufacturing subsidiaries as wholly owned by the parent of our pulp-mill group. SEC regulations require such interests to be jointly held by off-shore residuary trusts with no direct involvement in any tobacco related production or marketing arm. It is therefore safe to say that we have not violated any SEC rules in any deliberate fashion. All soft money political contributions are made in U.S. dollars, regardless of exchange rate fluctuations or anti-dumping concerns to the contrary.
Terms employed on this website
cheeseparings – cheese peels, saved only by the very poor or the tightwad; worthless scraps, miserly economizing; scrimping.
omphaloskepsis – meditation while gazing at one’s naval.
exarch – 1.) a Byzantine big shot. 2.) a Bulgarian ecclesiastical big shot. 3.) an ecclasiastical batman.
scansorial – pertaining to, capable of or adapted for climbing.
patriot – one who loves, supports and defends his country. Term first associated with those who rebel against an oppressive government.
chaology – the study of chaos.
democracy – rule by the majority.
pollard – 1.) an animal that has lost its horns 2.) a severely pruned tree 3.) to kill rabbits by feeding them poisoned grain.
pozzy-wallah – a jam lover (British slang).
flapdragon – a game of catching candy from burning brandy.
Inside Your Issue
Russia Drops Big One:
Hockey team fails to score in loss to Hashishistan
Pastor raises 1.2 million, leaves town
Charlatan preacher talks fast, runs faster
Most Americans not affected by cannibalism
Study says only one in one hundred at risk
Master plan status updated to misplaced
Not “lost” as previously surmised
Soap opera audiences dwindling
Is life becoming a virtual substitute for television?
Rockies pledge to buy only local rosin in 2016
Area farmers buy new pickups, welcome good news
Mayor cuts wrong ribbon; pants fall down
Government may indeed be your friend in city hall laugher
The Vampire Truckers of Kebler Pass
THIS MONTH’S SERIAL:
“The Flemish Ambassador”
Part 6: A Spittoon for Czar Nicholas
Plus a completely new array of curiosities to eat, drink,
roll in, fall from and be afraid to confront
during daylight hours. Pick up a fresh copy
where you stock up on Chinese-made ammunition.
Letter policy: No unsolicited correspondence will be accepted after business hours. All E-mail and letters undressed to our editor will be turned over to the dog for further examination. Absolutely no material will be returned. No letters will be acknowledged, much less answered in the disorder in which they were received.
Dear General Horseshoe:
We have noticed a lot of digging going on east of the Wiesbaden Hotel in an attempt to exhume Chief Ouray’s adobe house/cabin located under another structure there. Did you know he owned houses in Montrose and Delta too making him one of the first second home owners in modern history?
Upon further research we have discovered that his much documented tennis career came to a startling halt when he became immersed in the politics of the time. Maybe he would have rather played tennis but at least he and Chipeta weren’t forced to relocate to Utah after the Meeker Affair. Forty love…add out…Y tu Otto?
Dear news heads:
I read with parting interest a piece in your newsprint issue covering attempts by radicals to drop leaflets containing the Bill of Rights on Republicans near Malfuntion, Colorado. Was anyone injured? Where can I get a copy of this document that you keep squawking about? Is it available on tape? My reading comprehension has dwindled ever since I watched the last State of the Bunion speech. I’m quite anxious to see this Bill of Rights. Was he ever on MTV?
To whom it may confuse:
Here’s our latest helpful news release to go along with the mounds of senseless information we send out daily from our Denver location. Advice to motorists: If you are frightened driving over Red Mountain Pass try doing the trip after dark so you can’t see the drop-offs. The same may hold true to Molas and Coal Bank as well but we have to check into it further. If you have any real questions try asking the man out on the job. Do not direct inquiries to our administrative staff. Can’t you see that we’re already busy painting the highways
Ripple Van Winkle, Executive Pencil
Colorado Division of Transportation
To the Editor:
Just a few hot potatoes for your consumption–Mrs. Shavano’s Pickled Asparagus Jello has not yet been nominated for the Colona Nuclear Fair on October 32.
Does the heralded “No child left behind” program include the cartoon characters in South Park or is it just another smoke screen which makes tests easier and thus raises standards?
If anyone is having bear problems my brother-in-law, Slim, can kick some bruin butt for a small fee plus expenses. It may be seasonal but it beats making a living stealing Bibles from cheap motel rooms.
In closing, I’d like to apologize for the disruption of the Wimpton City Council picnic caused by my pet monkey, Rasputin. He loves beans and potato salad, throws things when he gets excited and has chronic digestive problems. Sorry again.
Very Prestigious Address
Whitebread Mounted Village
The Weapons of Mass Destruction have been found! Or is it Whisky of Mass Destruction? Potent stuff made in Islay!
The UK edition of the BBC News actually reported that the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) which is supposedly a part of the US national security network protecting us from “terrorism” had its spies monitoring a whisky plant — Bruichladdich Distillery on the island of Islay, Scotland.
“A distillery manager has told of his amazement after learning that US spies hunting weapons of mass destruction had been monitoring his whisky plant. “They said they had been monitoring our web cams because the process of making something very innocuous and pleasant is close to making weapons of mass destruction, apparently. Mr Reynier added: “In their defense, there is a lot of activity in the distillery, with lots of metal machinery and people moving around, which might have roused a few suspicions.”
The US Government agency based at Fort Belvoir in Virginia, USA, is responsible for American national security. Thought you needed to know this important information for your own security! Slainte!