This is the San Juan Horseshoe
“That Funny Newspaper from Western Colorado”
Please remove shoes before entering categories such as Lifestyles and Soft News, accessible at all hours of the day and night by clicking on the stupid names like Featured Peeks and Hard News directly under the masthead.
Official humor website of the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution (1775 – 2015).
Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our Rocky Mountain stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in fish emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all backpacks, opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, weapons, broken promises, white bread fears, unfinished science projects and livestock with him.
Sorry, weekend editions no longer come with Full Irish Breakfast.
This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Shanghai wanting to borrow a cup of noodles. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a humorous Basque Valentine.
As with all newer endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of the absurd.
Comedians, politicians, celebrities and the moron next door that appear in these funny newspaper pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for discount donuts, casual sex, free wedding announcements. They are only real if you think they are real.
Persons seeking special consideration with the front line of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel or tip the dumb waiter for conjugal considerations. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs.
Contact us: firstname.lastname@example.org and
P O Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427
COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2015
Serving Region Zen and the Snotty Beach Communities since 1977.
Another fine product from Musick’s Bad Tuna Aftershave,
makers of perfumes, lotions & aperitifs since moments before the French Revolution.
Welcome castellans, bellwethers and, the uncomfortably waggish! It’s the Webbed San Juan Horseshoe, come to call directly from the Polka Belt of the Rocky Mountains! Doing a monthly paper for all those years was like working as a flea bag crooner in a puddle jumper lounge, but we did get to use a shitload of metaphors and similes. I like semi-loafing better.
When I arrived at my desk this morning I found Brother Toole, our associate small animal editor pounding out a deadline piece on his propane-driven Underwood. It has to do with escaped zoo monkeys running the state legislature. According to the report they are doing a bang-up job although they have yet to establish a workable budget. Toole had succeeded in frightening away the rest of the editorial staff early on, by appearing in only sun glasses and a disposable camera. Eccentric, yes, but one hell of a reporter who always gets to the root of the story.
Update: Attorneys for top Wall Street executives say their clients are sorry about bilking investors out of millions of dollars, adding that “at least they’re bonafide US citizens and not illegal aliens whose student visas have expired.”
And how about the photo essay on Granny Gilmore from over in Hotchkiss? She celebrated her 117th birthday Friday and the old girl got smashed right along with everyone else. What a vamp! Says she’s never been to a doctor, owned a cell phone or watched television. Here is a dose of the interview we extracted once the debauchery slowed to a crawl:
“I don’t believe those nice doctors or the nice people on TV.” she quipped, sipping a tumbler of single malt scotch, which she clasped in her hand like a newborn monkey clasps its mother. “I just thank those boys up there on the Isle of Islay that the sun comes up every morning.”
Wow. Heavy stuff…insightful. And that’s not all…
We drive all night to the border to interview the architects of the new Great Wall of Sonora. Most of the laborers speak Spanish as their native tongue. But they aren’t really here., or are they? It’s easier that way, clouded…like problem-solution ratios or some such thing. How convenient. They never covered this concept in micro-economics. You’ll love or hate this story depending on prescribed legitimate daily bodily function code*, provided at minimal cost by your feral gov’ment.
Other stories rounding out the issue include a piece on the proposed alternate potty days for desert communities; a wrap-up regarding the lost hiker who survived for a week eating Forest Service signs in the High Raggedettes; an update on airline cockpit weaponry and coverage of ceremonies linked to Colorado’s most recent accolade as Spider Capital of North America. That should keep you out of our way for a day or two.
It’s all a bit like watching a Two Stooges movie, to employ another simile. We apologize for the bad reception of the 2002 European Cigarette Smoking Championships from Athens. The play-by-play will be resumed just as soon as we find a dry book of matches. Likewise we would like to inform our readers that a 15% gratuity will be added for groups of more than four. We hate to do it but we need the cash.
Well, it appears that I’ve once again run short of writer’s juice and must away! In parting: Conserve water…There are millions of toilets downstream. La Verdad Rellena!
Quote of the Day: “I’ve never met you so you must be a tourist.”
– Massasoit, Plymouth, 1620.
*A lot like security codes introduced by Homefire Periphery, only these distinctions apply to the rare bowl movement syndrome, consequent mental bloating and the effects on pell-mell thinking produced by these mercurial symptoms.
with Dwin “King” Hevaway
Model fish tank specifications, printed in last months personal ad addenda, were meant solely for the personal use of our readers. Any republication or other use of such pictures and accounts without the express permission of the San Juan Horseshoe is strictly prohibited. Why anyone would actually do anything like that is beyond our comprehension.
Contrary to an article in our November issue, President Obama did not issue an Executive Order lowering the elevation of Red Mountain Pass by some 250 feet. Not only would this action not have had the intended effect of keeping the pass below timberline, but there is no way that an Executive Order can affect geography. That requires a 2/3 vote of both houses of Congress, and the tacit consent of at least 33 states and 4 Supreme Court Justices.
Snake season will not begin in Ordway until at least mid-May, maybe June. Last month’s festival calendar incorrectly showed the season as starting in March. Also, contrary to several articles in the Crested Butte supplements, there are no weekends in 2017 during which no festival is being held. Any festivals wishing to locate there are encouraged to take a number and await developments in Almont.
Mountain operating instructions for recreational vehicles were apparently left out of the owners manuals and other materials supplied to purchasers. Such instructions have also consistently been omitted from this newspaper pursuant to advice from our solicitors regarding liability that would accrue to us (if operators did with their RV’s what we might well tell them to do). Accordingly there are no minimum common sense or other intellectual requirements for operators of such vehicles.
All airline miles earned by reading last month’s feature articles must be used by January 12 according to Untied and Armenian Airlines sources. Other airlines have no particular final due date, but will also give you the same blank stare if you try to redeem any such miles. The kilometers were a joke, get it?
Unusual, Often Funny Terms often employed on this website
pericharela – excessive and violent rejoicing.
embulalla- insertion of nonsense into speech, as in schizophrenia. Also embololalia.
taphephobia – the fear of being buried alive; fear of cemeteries.
xat – a carved post in front of certain North American Indian homes.
peristerophily – the breeding, care and training of pigeons.
laudanum – an opium derivative.
mungo – 1.) one who retrieves valuables from the garbage (slang) 2.) the mung bean. 3.) the mongoose. 4.) an herb used as a snake charm in India. 5.) reclaimed wool
mugwump – an ex-Republican; a political independent 2.) a chronic party critic. 3.) a big man, a chief (Algonquian mugquomp = chief)
snollygoster – burgeoning politician with no platform, principles or party preference.
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
DELICIOUS FORTUNE COOKIES
FROM DAY-OLD SUSHI
Keeping Oysters Alive in the Raw
in Kitchen Witch
COOKWARE AS WEAPON
A SWING AND A PRAYER
in Recipe Heaven
Instant Mashed Potatoes…
The Ugly Lie Behind the Fluff
in the Milk Man Cometh
FUN WITH WHIPPED CREAM
AND HAND GRENADES
DRUIDS ELECTED TO
RIDGWAY SCHOL BOARD
Now We’ll See Just Who Is Who
A Hiddden Agenda from the 5th Century
INCREASE IN TREE PERMITS
UPSETS RESIDENT ROOT BALLS
In Your Backyard
SKI INDUSTRY ADMITS NOTHING,
DEFENDS ENVIRONMENTAL RECORD
Finger Pointing, Cloud Seeding, Snow Making questioned
Arkansas River high in cholesterol says Christo
Moral fabric strung out near Salida
Meanderings from the ridiculous to the sublime plus a whole lot more to eat,drink, roll in and be hesitant to approach. Pick up your copy wherever canned laughter is sold.
Letters to the editor
Letter policy: No unsolicited correspondence will be accepted after business hours. All E-mail and letters undressed to our editor will be turned over to the dog for further examination. Absolutely no material will be returned. No letters will be acknowledged, much less answered in the order that they were received.
To the editor:
Your recent article about Hal, the 75-year-old cyclist planning a trip from Helena to Montevideo, was amusing but I somehow lost the page describing his futile attempts to cross the Darien Gap in eastern Panama, his attempts to repair a flat in chaotic Venezuela and his later contact with unfriendly tribes in the Amazon Basin. Did he ever get to Sao Paulo for Carnival or is he still hung up somewhere in the Brazilian interior? Could a little planning, a Spanish dictionary and a map of South America have saved him such embarrassment as well as life threatening episodes? Did he really expect to cash a personal check in Surinam? Was the entire trek really all-inclusive? Is it true that Amelie, his live-in girlfriend of 33 years, after being invited to accompany him, opted for a weekend in New York? Did she bring her bike?
Too Many Gears, Fort Crawford
(Ed note: Hal is still in Brazil where Portuguese is spoken. Amelie is still in New York riding her bike. Did you lose the page or just run out of clean sheets?)
The concept of using rubber snowplow blades so as to protect our national asphalt has gone beyond the idiocy generally found in your newspaper. Why spend that kind of money to revamp our existing snow plows when Peach Valley needs paving and there are chuckholes the size of the Black Canyon crying out for attention. The whole situation is approaching the highly absurd but as usual amounts to nothing when compared fiery meteors falling from the sky and/or to the amount of money spent on fruitless Presidential campaigns.
We read with horror the news that Miss Liberty, the symbol of freedom for so many throughout the world was recently fingerprinted when she returned to this country from a visit to France in April. We realize that the legions of Homeland Security have deemed this intrusion a necessary part of our national security but where does it all end. Sure, Miss Liberty is a French citizen but don’t her years of service in New York Harbor account for anything?
Holders of a US passport may too be harassed by customs officials in other countries in response to this paranoid infringement. Brazil is already fingerprinting Americans in response to it all. Can we expect to see visitors from other countries within our borders with this war on tourism going on? From what I’ve seen of the security personnel at the nation’s larger airports I doubt they could catch a cold.
Col. Kashmir Horseshoe
San Juan Horseshine
We read with great interest your stirring drama about the Gunnison man who, unable to afford a real vacation flushed himself down the toilet only to end up in Grand Junction. Did he stop in Delta on the way? What our society needs is more newspapers like yours where the human interest pieces are not buried by stories of murder and scandal. We also enjoyed the continuation of Count Recto, the exhibitionist who attained political prisoner status in the post war Vieu Carre’. Thanks again for the call about your drains. We should be able to get to that job on Sunday, July 5, 2017 at about three in the afternoon. PS: We’ve been having a great deal of fun killing flies with your paper at Kochevars. Isn’t it amazing how they’re so spaced out this time of the year. We just love the expressions on their little faces when they are forced to come to grips with introspective journalism before breakfast.
The Missing Plumbers Bureau
Every now and again it seems imperative that we remind ourselves that there is a difference between reality and fiction. Your ante-bellum story which names Robert E. Lee as Chinese in ethnic origin is a sham. While we have nothing against our oriental brothers please stand corrected that Robert E. Lee was a Confederate general and has never operate a noodle house in Denver. In addition, we are interested in the secret sources that repeatedly identify Jefferson Davis as a running back for the Miami Dolphins.
John Brown VI
Harper’s Ferry, WV
I wish to take issue with your conjecture that the reason no one lives in the Great Basin is because there are no bathrooms out there. After spending three years compiling and documenting the official number of relief stations in the region and researching bathroom behavior there, I am insulted to the bone. Your callus appraisals and dimwitted conclusions minimize my life’s work. Highway 50 is the loneliest highway in the country so keep in mind there’s lots of room to stash stiffs here. Get it?
Just three questions this month. First, what do you call that red stuff they put in hummingbird feeders. Second, what is the plural of Guinness? Third, in what North Dakota city is the Roger Maris Museum?
Name withheld by request
Dear General Horseshoe:
Be advised that due to chronic global warming and countless safety checks on the highway we have been forced to terminate daily ice deliveries to commercial locations throughout the region.
In addition, we are compelled to inform you that due to voids created by these said climatic changes, the emergence of a terrible Delphian Wall is far beyond earlier projection. This serpentine wall has formed from cosmic debris gathering in the atmosphere at an alarming rate. It is helped along by a human consciousness obsessed with a mindless pursuit of polyester consumerism and the dolorous inversion affect of ozone depletion. According to updated calculations our planet will hit this wall in September or October ending one more terrestrial tragedy forever.
On the heels of this prophetic disclosure we suggest that you begin taking notes for your final news story at your earliest convenience. It may well be your last. In closing, we apologize for any inconvenience incurred by you or your staff due to the suspension of ice delivery.
Tropical Ice of Malfunction
Congratulations on another milestone. It’s not every American who can say he’s passed 60,000 RVs on the highway in just one lifetime. Keep up the good work. We are certain that you will catch up to Denny Barry’s seemingly untouchable record of 75,000 before you reach 106. Oh yes, and would you please come in and pick up your dry cleaning. Your armadillo crepe waistcoat is taking up far too much room in the walk-in cooler and upsetting our second home owners.
Ms Suzie Compost
Thanks so much for the complete Reader’s Guide to the Tarzan and Jane Dialogues that often appear in your rattlesheet. Now we can better comprehend the subtle references and asides attributed to the stunning characters in the legendary tree house. The translation from high chimpanzee is invaluable in our research and much better than those tedious language tapes that we had utilized since Charley Darwin went to school here. It is now possible, thanks to you an a lucrative grant from the U. S. Department of Botanical Scholarships, for us to examine the intricate relationship between Tarzan and his vines.
Melissa Rice Burroughs
University of Colorado
Your personalized pharmaceuticals were shipped Wednesday and should arrive at the identified bunker sometime tomorrow. The collection of pills include caricatures of you from the photos received plus samples featuring the family coat-of-arms and assorted crests. We may not be able to offer affordable medicines to the Third World but by all that’s holy we can cater to the whims of people with credit cards here in the good ‘ol USA.
Cash Only Apothecary