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This is the San Juan Horseshoe

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Andean Mural in Pijao, Colombia

 “The Premier Rocky Mountain Humor/Satire Website & Funny Paper from Western Colorado”

 Please remove shoes before entering categories such as Lifestyles and Soft News, accessible 24 hours a day simply by clicking on the names like Featured Peeks and Hard News directly under the masthead.

Official humor website of the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution (1775 – 2016).
 Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our Rocky Mountain stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in  fish emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.

Sorry, weekend editions no longer come with Full Irish Breakfast.

This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Chang Mai wanting to borrow a cup of rice. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a humorous Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was all wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!

As with all newer endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. (Oft the same).

Failed comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.

Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).

Contact us: sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net

and sanjuanhorseshoe@gmail.com

P O Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427

COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2016

Serving Region Zen and the Snotty Beach Communities since 1977.

Another fine product from Musick’s Bad Tuna Aftershave,

olfactory gatherers and makers of perfumes, lotions & aperitifs

since moments before the storming of the Bastille.

mine on way up red mtshot for ad-Hellman?

EDITOR’S CORONER

Photo for Editor's CoronerShe was a large Latina woman. I asked her to tango. She thought I said tangle. The next thing you know I’m face down on the hard wood dance floor, a loutish throw rug, barely grooving to that salsa beat. Oops, caught again with my fingers on the computer keys when I should be talking to you…How do y’all.

I’ve been incognito of late, mollycoddling tomato plants, enjoying a camping trip or a stroll around the golf corpse. But I’m way ahead of some, like my Uncle Earl. The least favorite of all the distant uncles in the family, Uncle Earl, if I may go on, is the kind that gives little kids (I was once one) the creeps.

While camping in tin, he once backed his rig over the pup tent monogrammed and designated for use by Little Nellie, his wife’s poodle. Fortunately Nellie was out for an extended poopoo and escaped certain death by the initial blow, combined pressure and proximity to hard surfaces. It might have qualified as the “massacre of the summer” at Red’s RV Paradise.

This is not to say Nellie did not have her own issues- the result of Earl’s insistence that she ride in a glass-enclosed “Poodle Pope Mobile” observatory- looking structure, welded to the top of the RV. He says he has allergies and that the dog hates him. As one might assume this mode of transportation made the yap-yap a little nervous, snappy and quite unlikable.

But at least she’s not unpredictable like the bears in the summer months. You’re camp food is not safe inside your vehicle. Bruins are adept opening car doors without picks or tiny screwdrivers or even a can opener, and usually create quite a mess looking for peanut butter, or sardines, or whatever bears crave in the middle of the night.

Better ideas are afloat. Why make them work for the food that they are going to steal anyway? I have seen the side panel of a 1990 Toyota pickup torn from the frame by a large bear or maybe it was a moose.

In addition to my displaying my white flag: a Lake City Friends of the Bear bumper sticker, which clearly states my intentions and my politics on the subject, I generally set a picnic table for the fuzzy intruders before retiring to my tent for the night. Napkins (cloth please), glassware, 2 or 3 courses (honey burritos are quick and popular) and even a little candlelight does wonders.

This way I can just hose down the eating area (Yes, bear can be pigs but are actually related to dogs) and not the interior of my car. Remember: If you go this route, bear have large appetites but can be fumbling idiots when it comes to proper fork use or even passing the salt. Bear drink beer and even a futile sip in a discarded bottle will attract one or two revelers to the “big bash” after regular visiting hours are over..

If you’re looking to make sense out of this website, maybe you should try reading the local telephone book, Ulysses, The Congressional Record or the assembly manual for the latest Irish-Chinese moving lawn ornament. If not, please continue on with our tamper-proof scribbling, which feels exactly like riding in a ’59 Cadillac in the winter without doors or windows: The breeze is nice, the fins are cool but sooner or later everyone’s beards will freeze. Even the ladies’.

Yes we pay a finder’s fee for fuel-injected metaphors, repair flats for free and change proof readers every 3,000 miles. Need you ask?

For those of you searching for the GENERAL EVACUATION PLAN schematic turn to the coded instructions under Snap Bean in your compendium of useful knowledge. Most of these articles are no more than clothes hangers for our mercantile fetish. They read like a lunatic’s grocery list. (Insert value card here, but let’s get on with it.)

Herein you’ll read about our plan to spring Edward Snowden from jail, then clone him. Next, thrill to the digestion of data on the newly developed Anti Road Rage Chewing Gum. Weee doggies!

Other crackerjack pieces include Learning To Speak in Italics where Melvin Toole walks you through the primitive linguistic rituals of phantom Lizard Head warriors without a net.

After mastery of this ancient elocution you may be ready for our explosive photo essay Prairie Hens vs Sage Dogs shot from a glass-bottom sagebrush schooner near Gunnison. Speaking of the Pearl-on-Tomichi, did you hear that all 117 Republican Presidential candidates will appear at this year’s Gunnison Oktoberfest. Get your tickets now!

While exposing one’s high tech side may still be illegal in Colona, our science editors have been busy formulating a series of irksome stories for your literary audit. The award-winning series, Telemarketing in the Bathroom: Exploiting the New West, is certain to run you up a tree. Don’t miss our stunning update on Wapiti flatulence. It’s worse than previously surmised and now threatens the region’s wild flowers.

Articles such as Bandits Cleared From Jeep Trails and Nebraska Builds Star Wars Defense System for Colorado Potheads are sure to stir up someone’s hornet nest.

A reminder: 2016 is The Year of the Marmot and the weekly Vent-Your-Rage Bonfire in Ridgway has been moved to Wednesday nights due to a conflict with the Legumes of the West program. Quote of the month: Only dead fish go with the flow. Chow, amigos.

__________________________

CORECSHUNS

with Dwin “King” Hevaway,
Executive Corrections Editor

Filing cabinets containing our literary cree and mission statements were regrettably misplaced sometime in the early eighties. The result as you can see is not only a publication lacking a “soul” but also a reprehensible waste of what otherwise may have been useful paper and ink.

A casual perusal of letters received by our office over the last several months has led us to the sad yet inescapable conclusion that various personages within our marginal readership are laboring under a vague although quaint misapprehension that we can read.

The Kente cloth worn by our publisher to various graduation ceremonies wherein he received many honorary degrees and coffee mugs is actually the tartan used by his family during the 11th century before they were kicked out of Ireland for keeping geese (and occasional insobriety).

Summer jobs in our news room advertised as “a stepping-stone to a journalistic career” do not involve journalistic activity per se. Instead of “attractive women only need apply” we meant to say “only attractive women will be hired.” We are an equal opportunity employer as long as you don’t take opportunity to mean any kind of chance.

Vitamin and mineral figures listed on last month’s contents page were based on the assumption that you can digest cellulose. This assumption is true for many of our readers. MSG is present in some of our color lift-out sections but overall, fewer than 30 percent of our calories come from fat.

Retroactive price increases for which we billed subscribers last month are solely for the purpose of keeping this newspaper out of the hands of children. The names of all subscribers whom fail to pay this assessment will heretofore be listed in our bi-monthly “enemies of kids” inserts.

klan on ferris whell copy

 

 

 

 Inside your issue

Wool Socks Electric Conductors

Winter dangers put population at risk
in I’m Afraid…You’re Afraid

Barber Pulls Wrong Tooth, Shot

Ridgway Ranch Hand Held

Cassidy Denied Mud Season Loan

Gang Threatens Telluride Banker
in Business Briefs

Reading to Your pets
Is it really worth it?

in Pet World Today

Third World Countries Not Flossing

Problem leads to decay says UN
in Mental Dental

AN INTERVIEW WITH A SCUMMY ROCKER

in Music for the Masses

ACLU PROTESTS TAGGING OF TERROR SUSPECTS

Over-the-Counter Solutions to a Under-the-Counter Problems
plus a lot more to eat, drink, roll in and think about in the dark.
Pick up a copy where you gargle.

___________________________________________

 Words Used in This Issue

gerontocracy – government by old farts

szopelka – a Russian oboe played with a brass mouthpiece between shots of vodka

adit – 1.) a mine entrance; generally, a drainage or irrigation tunnel. 2.) a favorite sleeping place for bears and lions.

hoggerel – vulgar songs or poetry

intactible – imperceptible to the touch, especially when it comes to bad relief pitching or lunge putting

tittup – lively or restless behavior; to move around in such a manner as to create sexual attention. Perky.

hondo – a broad, deep gully or dry ditch

Letters to the Pea Green Answer Man

Both eyes on vital data & the other one on you
guy reading with cow

 

 

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
How did red tape originate?
Bozo, CB

Dear Bozo
Red tape, as the popular name for official and legal formality and’ delay, originated in England during the eighteenth century and arose from the custom of tying documents in red tape. The custom of tying up papers in such tape dates back several centuries. We find it referred to in an advertisement printed in a London paper published in I658. Sidney Smith did much to popularize it in the satirical sense. Such a word was just what the common people wanted with which to ridicule the delay of government business. It was natural that the ordinary man, impatient for action on his particular case, should ridicule the everlasting tying and untying of red tape which bound the dispatch and document cases.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Do rabbits chew the cud?
Buggs, Telluride

Dear Buggs:
Rabbits and hares are rodents, not ruminants, and do not chew the cud. The popular notion that they do arose from two passages in the English translations of the Bible. Leviticus II: 5 says: “And the bunny, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.” Deuteronomy I4: 7 says: “Nevertheless these ye shall not eat, of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the bunny; for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you.” These passages present a classical difficulty. Bunny is an old English name for the rabbit and it is a well known fact that there are several species of hare in Palestine. Clearly there is some error either in face or translation. Most modern Bible students are agreed that the word bunny in the Bible refers tot he Syrian hyrax, a small animal about the size of a rabbit. This creature is now variously called badger, bear-rat and rock rabbit, but there was no common English name for it when the early translations of the Bible were made. This, however, does not solve the difficulty, because the hyrax does not chew the cud. Where the English translations use the words rabbit and bunny, the Greek text uses cherogrillus, meaning porcupine, and the Hebrew text uses shaphan, which undoubtedly refers to the hyrax. It has been suggested that the ancient writers erroneously thought that the hare and the bunny chew the cud because they move their jaws as if ruminating or re-chewing. My best to Elmer.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
What was the big wind of Ireland?
Jimmy On-the-Inside, South Dakota
Dear Brophy:
The Irish people of a former generation were in the habit of dividing history into two periods—before and after the big wind. This refers to a storm which began January 6, 1839, and raged for two days and nights along the coasts of England and Ireland. It was the most severe and devastating storm which had ever occurred in Ireland within the memory of a man. Many lives were lost in Dublin and Liverpool, the Irish Sea was strewn with the wrecks of ships and hundreds of houses were blown down in Galway, Limerick, Athlone and other places. Much additional damage was done by fires started and fanned by the gale.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
How did kick the bucket originate?
David, Ridgway

Dear Dave:
The origin of this popular phrase, which means to die, is not known for certain. In one of its senses bucket means a beam or yoke on which anything is hung or carried. It is said that in parts of England, especially in Norfolkshire, bucket is the common word applied to a beam. Pigs are hung to such a beam by their hind legs with their heads down and when they are killed they kick the beam or bucket, and thus the word bucket may have become associated with dying. But this is little more than conjecture. Another theory accepts the word in its more usual meaning, namely, a pail. The phrase, according to this theory, refers to the method of committing suicide by standing on a pail or bucket, tying one end of a rope around one’s neck and the other to a beam, and then kicking over the bucket. In this connection a passage in Shakespeare’s II Henry IV is interesting. This play was first printed in 1597. The passage is: “Swifter then he that gibbets on the Brewers Bucket.”
Pea Green Pal

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Can moles see?
Batman, Montrose

Dear Batman:
The common garden mole of the eastern United states has eyes, but they are very small and sunken, being almost completely buried beneath the fur and skin. Apparently they serve no practical purpose as organs of sight. If the mole is not totally blind, it can at best merely distinguish between light and darkness. Investigators have found that the eyes are most nearly perfect in very young moles. In the adults they seem to degenerate until they are of no use for vision. Degeneration of these organs has not proceeded so far in the Western or Townsend mole, which often opens its eyes when annoyed.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man

What does Hobson’s choice mean?
Mick, Telluride

Dear Mick:
This expression means no alternative; this or nothing. When we are driven to a single course of action we say that we are reduced to Hobson’s choice. The term is said to have originated with the practice of Tobias Hobson, a noted carrier and innkeeper at Cambridge, England, in the time of Charles I. According to the tradition, Hobson had a stable of forty horses which were always ready for the road. When a traveler asked for a horse he was taken to the stable and told that he could have his choice, with one limitation—he must choose the animal standing nearest the door! By this method every customer was served alike and every horse had the same chance of getting a good driver or rider.
Pea Green Answer Man

Tune into the Pea Green Answer Man on local television station ZYX where he appears larger than life

foto D Austin