This is the San Juan Horseshoe
“The Premier Rocky Mountain Humor/Satire Website & Funny Paper from Western Colorado”
Please remove shoes before entering categories such as Lifestyles and Soft News, accessible 24 hours a day simply by clicking on the names like Featured Peeks and Hard News directly under the masthead.
Official humor website of the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution (1775 – 2016).
Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our Rocky Mountain stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in fish emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.
Sorry, weekend editions no longer come with Full Irish Breakfast.
This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Chang Mai wanting to borrow a cup of rice. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a humorous Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was all wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!
As with all newer endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. (Oft the same).
Failed comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.
Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).
Contact us: firstname.lastname@example.org
P O Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427
COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2016
Serving Region Zen and the Snotty Beach Communities since 1977.
Another fine product from Musick’s Bad Tuna Aftershave,
olfactory gatherers and makers of perfumes, lotions & aperitifs
since moments before the storming of the Bastille.
She was a large Latina woman. I asked her to tango. She thought I said tangle. The next thing you know I’m face down on the hard wood dance floor, a loutish throw rug, barely grooving to that salsa beat. Oops, caught again with my fingers on the computer keys when I should be talking to you…How do y’all.
I’ve been incognito of late, mollycoddling tomato plants, enjoying a camping trip or a stroll around the golf corpse. But I’m way ahead of some, like my Uncle Earl. The least favorite of all the distant uncles in the family, Uncle Earl, if I may go on, is the kind that gives little kids (I was once one) the creeps.
While camping in tin, he once backed his rig over the pup tent monogrammed and designated for use by Little Nellie, his wife’s poodle. Fortunately Nellie was out for an extended poopoo and escaped certain death by the initial blow, combined pressure and proximity to hard surfaces. It might have qualified as the “massacre of the summer” at Red’s RV Paradise.
This is not to say Nellie did not have her own issues- the result of Earl’s insistence that she ride in a glass-enclosed “Poodle Pope Mobile” observatory- looking structure, welded to the top of the RV. He says he has allergies and that the dog hates him. As one might assume this mode of transportation made the yap-yap a little nervous, snappy and quite unlikable.
But at least she’s not unpredictable like the bears in the summer months. You’re camp food is not safe inside your vehicle. Bruins are adept opening car doors without picks or tiny screwdrivers or even a can opener, and usually create quite a mess looking for peanut butter, or sardines, or whatever bears crave in the middle of the night.
Better ideas are afloat. Why make them work for the food that they are going to steal anyway? I have seen the side panel of a 1990 Toyota pickup torn from the frame by a large bear or maybe it was a moose.
In addition to my displaying my white flag: a Lake City Friends of the Bear bumper sticker, which clearly states my intentions and my politics on the subject, I generally set a picnic table for the fuzzy intruders before retiring to my tent for the night. Napkins (cloth please), glassware, 2 or 3 courses (honey burritos are quick and popular) and even a little candlelight does wonders.
This way I can just hose down the eating area (Yes, bear can be pigs but are actually related to dogs) and not the interior of my car. Remember: If you go this route, bear have large appetites but can be fumbling idiots when it comes to proper fork use or even passing the salt. Bear drink beer and even a futile sip in a discarded bottle will attract one or two revelers to the “big bash” after regular visiting hours are over..
If you’re looking to make sense out of this website, maybe you should try reading the local telephone book, Ulysses, The Congressional Record or the assembly manual for the latest Irish-Chinese moving lawn ornament. If not, please continue on with our tamper-proof scribbling, which feels exactly like riding in a ’59 Cadillac in the winter without doors or windows: The breeze is nice, the fins are cool but sooner or later everyone’s beards will freeze. Even the ladies’.
Yes we pay a finder’s fee for fuel-injected metaphors, repair flats for free and change proof readers every 3,000 miles. Need you ask?
For those of you searching for the GENERAL EVACUATION PLAN schematic turn to the coded instructions under Snap Bean in your compendium of useful knowledge. Most of these articles are no more than clothes hangers for our mercantile fetish. They read like a lunatic’s grocery list. (Insert value card here, but let’s get on with it.)
Herein you’ll read about our plan to spring Edward Snowden from jail, then clone him. Next, thrill to the digestion of data on the newly developed Anti Road Rage Chewing Gum. Weee doggies!
Other crackerjack pieces include Learning To Speak in Italics where Melvin Toole walks you through the primitive linguistic rituals of phantom Lizard Head warriors without a net.
After mastery of this ancient elocution you may be ready for our explosive photo essay Prairie Hens vs Sage Dogs shot from a glass-bottom sagebrush schooner near Gunnison. Speaking of the Pearl-on-Tomichi, did you hear that all 117 Republican Presidential candidates will appear at this year’s Gunnison Oktoberfest. Get your tickets now!
While exposing one’s high tech side may still be illegal in Colona, our science editors have been busy formulating a series of irksome stories for your literary audit. The award-winning series, Telemarketing in the Bathroom: Exploiting the New West, is certain to run you up a tree. Don’t miss our stunning update on Wapiti flatulence. It’s worse than previously surmised and now threatens the region’s wild flowers.
Articles such as Bandits Cleared From Jeep Trails and Nebraska Builds Star Wars Defense System for Colorado Potheads are sure to stir up someone’s hornet nest.
A reminder: 2016 is The Year of the Marmot and the weekly Vent-Your-Rage Bonfire in Ridgway has been moved to Wednesday nights due to a conflict with the Legumes of the West program. Quote of the month: Only dead fish go with the flow. Chow, amigos.
with Dwin “King” Hevaway,
Executive Corrections Editor
Queens of former island nations have reminded us that THEY are not former, and in fact can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of ROYAL hygiene and regular professional care.
Prescription prices advertised in our Mexican home pages are not available in this country. In order to obtain these prices it is necessary to gain Mexican citizenship and wave protection by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. (Warning: These protections, enjoyed by the bulk of our readers, cannot curtain nausea and related symptoms experienced during the consumption of this newspaper.) Dual citizenship may be an option for readers living adjacent to international commodes installed at major border crossings.
Words and letters cut out of cereal boxes and lottery tickets used by the publisher to craft Editor’s Coroner cannot be used as evidence to the extent that they are accountant’s work product, relating to audits that someday should be done. Fourth amendment lawyers have assured us that no controlling legal authority exists in this area, or in Grand Junction.
Hemi-dexi semiquavers, shown as English Horn cues in the Baritone Horn part, published in the revised score of the San Juan Horseshoe theme song should be played a cappella, preferably in a sound-proof environment.
Clown costume diagrams, from the late 19th Century Eastern European circuses featured in our June edition were intended to present a certain flavor, rather than an exhaustive study of the genre. We thank the thousands of readers who have provided us with further examples and will certainly consider using this material the next time we explore the subject.
Our May expose’ of matchbook art test fraud was in no way intended to disparage the many legitimate correspondence art schools which use this medium as a bonafide recruitment or enrollment technique. Readers are reminded, in executing submissions, that it is not necessary to include the caption “close cover before striking” in their drawing.
San Juan Horse Ventures, the corporate structure diagrammed in last month’s issue, incorrectly showed our overseas manufacturing subsidiaries as wholly owned by the parent of our pulp-mill group. SEC regulations require such interests to be jointly held by off-shore residuary trusts with no direct involvement in any tobacco related production or marketing arm. It is therefore safe to say that we have not violated any SEC rules in any deliberate fashion. All soft money political contributions are made in U.S. dollars, regardless of exchange rate fluctuations or anti-dumping concerns to the contrary.
Inside your issue
Wool Socks Electric Conductors
Winter dangers put population at risk
in I’m Afraid…You’re Afraid
Barber Pulls Wrong Tooth, Shot
Ridgway Ranch Hand Held
Cassidy Denied Mud Season Loan
Gang Threatens Telluride Banker
in Business Briefs
Reading to Your pets
Is it really worth it?
in Pet World Today
Third World Countries Not Flossing
Problem leads to decay says UN
in Mental Dental
AN INTERVIEW WITH A SCUMMY ROCKER
in Music for the Masses
ACLU PROTESTS TAGGING OF TERROR SUSPECTS
Over-the-Counter Solutions to a Under-the-Counter Problems
plus a lot more to eat, drink, roll in and think about in the dark.
Pick up a copy where you gargle.
TERMS USED IN THIS NEWSPAPER
kickshaw – a gastronomic delicacy.
pentapopemptic – divorced five times. Fiscal term for loser. The fear of being married five times, all in one night. Bad poker player (slang).
tumtum – a dogcart; a West Indian dish of boiled plantains. Su barriga.
bungfu – 1.) drunk beyond recognition 2.) physical defects brought on by the consumption of alcohol at high elevations. 3.) a stew/casserole produced by an inebriated camp cook using ripe, sweet wine and turnips. A lewd and vulgar saying often employed in anger or frustration toward another.
caballetta – 1.) a melody imitating a horse’s gallop. (See Montey Python “In Search of the Holy Grail”); the last, fast strains of an aria. Colombian bacon fried to crisp and eaten with arepa and guava juice.
exarch – a Byzantine big shot. a Bulgarian kingfish. an ecclesiastical batman. A self-described public figure who has never worked at anything.
limberham – a supple-jointed person; figuratively: a fawning or servile person, a sharecropper who accepts his pay in hog bellies or pig’s knuckles when nobody’s looking. A processed, low calorie pork product popular on sandwiches.
yuzluk – a former Turkish coin equal to one hundred paras or two and a half piasters. A loud-mouthed Greek Cypriot.
Letter policy: No unsolicited correspondence will be accepted after business hours. All E-mail and letters undressed to our editor will be turned over to our dog, Donald for further examination. Absolutely no material will be returned. No letters will be acknowledged, much less answered in the disorder in which they were received.
Letters to the Editor
To the editor:
Your recent article about Hal, the 75-year-old cyclist planning a trip from Helena to Montevideo, was amusing but I somehow lost the page describing his futile attempts to cross the Darien Gap in eastern Panama, his attempts to repair a flat in chaotic Venezuela and his later contact with unfriendly tribes in the Amazon Basin. Did he ever get to Sao Paulo for Carnival or is he still hung up somewhere in the Brazilian interior? Could a little planning, a Spanish dictionary and a map of South America have saved him such embarrassment as well as life threatening episodes? Did he really expect to cash a personal check in Surinam? Was the entire trek really all-inclusive? Is it true that Amelie, his live-in girlfriend of 33 years, after being invited to accompany him, opted for a weekend in New York? Did she bring her bike? Too Many Gears
(Ed note: Hal is still in Brazil where Portuguese is spoken. Amelie is still in New York riding her bike. Did you lose the page or just run out of clean sheets?)
Your recent article calling for the use of rubber snowplow blades so as to protect our national asphalt has gone beyond the idiocy generally found in your newspaper. Why spend that kind of money to revamp our existing snow plows when Peach Valley needs paving and there are chuckholes the size of the Black Canyon crying out for attention. The whole situation is approaching the highly absurd but as usual amounts to nothing when compared fiery meteors falling from the sky and/or to the amount of money spent on fruitless Presidential campaigns.
We read with horror the news that Miss Liberty, the symbol of freedom for so many throughout the world was recently fingerprinted when she returned to this country from a visit to France in April. We realize that the legions of Homeland Security have deemed this intrusion a necessary part of our national security but where does it all end. Sure, Miss Liberty is a French citizen but don’t her years of service in New York Harbor account for anything?
Holders of a US passport may too be harassed by customs officials in other countries in response to this paranoid infringement. Brazil is already fingerprinting Americans in response to it all. Can we expect to see visitors from other countries within our borders with this war on tourism going on? From what I’ve seen of the security personnel at the nation’s larger airports I doubt they could catch a cold.
Thanks for not dwelling on the most recent, post-Michael Jackson fiasco. We much prefer your continuing biography of Harry Potter, a really fine American even though he’s British. Harry would never spend the weekend with Michael Jackson, even if his parents thought it was all right. Does Harry have any sisters?
Col. Kashmir Horseshoe
San Juan Horseshine
We read with great interest your stirring drama about the Gunnison man who, unable to afford a real vacation flushed himself down the toilet only to end up in Grand Junction. Did he stop in Delta on the way? What our society needs is more newspapers like yours where the human interest pieces are not buried by stories of murder and scandal. We also enjoyed the continuation of Count Recto, the exhibitionist who attained political prisoner status in the post war Vieu Carre’. Thanks again for the call about your drains. We should be able to get to that job on Sunday, July 5, 2017 at about three in the afternoon. PS: We’ve been having a great deal of fun killing flies with your paper at Kochevars. Isn’t it amazing how they’re so spaced out this time of the year. We just love the expressions on their little faces when they are forced to come to grips with introspective journalism before breakfast.
The Missing Plumbers Bureau
Every now and again it seems imperative that we remind ourselves that there is a difference between reality and fiction. Your ante-bellum story which names Robert E. Lee as Chinese in ethnic origin is a sham. While we have nothing against our oriental brothers please stand corrected that Robert E. Lee was a Confederate general and has never operate a noodle house in Denver. In addition, we are interested in the secret sources that repeatedly identify Jefferson Davis as a running back for the Miami Dolphins.
John Brown VI
Harper’s Ferry, WV
I wish to take issue with your conjecture that the reason no one lives in the Great Basin is because there are no bathrooms out there. After spending three years compiling and documenting the official number of relief stations in the region and researching bathroom behavior there, I am insulted to the bone. Your callus appraisals and dimwitted conclusions minimize my life’s work. Highway 50 is the loneliest highway in the country so keep in mind there’s lots of room to stash stiffs here. Get it?
Just three questions this month. First, what do you call that red stuff they put in hummingbird feeders. Second, what is the plural of Guinness? Third, in what North Dakota city is the Roger Maris Museum? Name withheld by request
To the editor:
It is true that I spent $55,000 for a commode link on the town sewage line in my Telluride trophy cabin but considering the other construction costs I thought that was a bargain. Please. please be kind to the rich. They can help you more than the poor. In addition, as a millionaire CEO of Megafringe Pictures I sternly oppose the minimum wage hike promoted by socialists in Congress. Enclosed are tickets to the openings of my two latest films “Eurotrash Straw Dogs” and “Red Meat…Green Meat”. Enjoy. Toliver D. Rock
Answers to Spring Letters
Due to constraints as to room in this issue we will not be able to run letters received since January. We will, however, print our editor’s answers to this correspondence. If you wrote a letter please look for general reference to your topic herein and thanks for writing us!
1.) Yes, we feel that the expansion at the Gunnison County Dump is worth mention, maybe even a future feature piece, and congratulations are in order.
2.) Home owners insurance will not cover automobile accidents in Colorado even if you live in your car.
3.) We don’t know why so many Texans are allowed to have two names and most Coloradans only get one.
4.) Yes, it is difficult to get back to nature with a cell phone, charge cards and cable TV in tow. Try turning off your car alarm and wade into it.
5.) Dropping road kill armadillos on Colorado highways is not a danger to public health but will probably confuse the hell out of patrolling DOW officers accustomed to seeing deer and marmots on the shoulder. At present there is no law restricting the practice but the state lawmakers are expected back from vacation any day now.
6.) Recently extracted DNA has no hope of proving that Alfred Packer was a vegetarian. Further testing is no more than a waste of the taxpayers money. Sure, let’s build a missile defense system instead.
7.) Gardening above 7,000 feet is a tricky maneuver but can be a successful endeavor. Sadly, it does attract its share of sadists who enjoy watching tomato plants freeze. We agree…these types should be brought to justice along with the industry that has sabotaged the entire tomato experience for ten months of the year. Genetically altered food. Damn you.
8.) After consulting with staff physicians there is no conclusive proof that the meth epidemic in rural America is killing off the mosquito crop due to tainted blood digested by the insect parasites. In fact, methamphetamine users have limited contact with mosquitoes since they rarely go outside. Thanks again for your letters!