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This is the San Juan Horseshoe

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Gothic light on a fall afternoon

 “The Premier Rocky Mountain Humor/Satire Website & Funny Paper from Western Colorado”

Please remove shoes before entering categories such as Lifestyles and Soft News, accessible 24 hours a day simply by clicking on the names like Featured Peeks and Hard News directly under the masthead.

Official humor website of the Unwed Mothers of the American Revolution (1775 – 2016).
 Mindlessly discretionary, self-centered and often annoying, our Rocky Mountain stories are certain to tickle the sedentary, and amaze the gullible. For further adventures in  fish emersion and elite slipshod hooey see the large, fuzzy-hatted man at the door. Leave all opinions, complaints, vase floral arrangements, broken promises, white bread fears and unfinished science projects with him.

Sorry, weekend editions no longer come with Full Irish Breakfast.

This website has evolved from the comedic newspaper, the San Juan Horseshoe, without the printing bill, the dirty ink and the days of distributing to six mountain counties. Now we be circulating the globe with a click of a mouse! Why just the other day we received an email from a man in Chang Mai wanting to borrow a cup of rice. Back in May a woman in Bilbao sent us a humorous Basque Valentine. Just last night a frantic river rafter called from the Nile. She was all wet and needed a towel which we sent immediately. You can too!

As with all newer endeavors we need the support of readers like you who enjoy this kind of tepid balderdash, this barking up the family tree, this adverbial tempo, this inconsequential endorsement of what is sacred and what is silly. (Oft the same).

Failed comedians, rascal politicians, self-proclaimed celebrities and the opinionated moron next door appearing inside these pages fly Excelsior Airlines, The Airlines Without Chairs, in return for dumpster donuts, casual sex and free wedding announcements. These people are only real if you think they are real.

Persons seeking special accommodations with the brass section of the Pea Green Symphony Orchestra should approach each member on a one-to-one basis, leaving no stone unturned. Remember to ring at the archaic Moldavian gate and under no circumstances employ the linen elevator for personal travel. Admission is generally one unused joke or a shopping bag full of laughs (Saturdays only).

Contact us: sanjuanhorseshoe@montrose.net

and sanjuanhorseshoe@gmail.com

P O Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427

COPYRIGHT: KEVIN J HALEY 1977 – 2017

Serving Region Zen and the Snotty Beach Communities since 1977.

Another fine product from Musick’s Bad Tuna Aftershave,

olfactory gatherers and makers of perfumes, lotions & aperitifs

since moments before the storming of the Bastille.

mine on way up red mtshot for ad-Hellman?

EDITOR’S CORONER

Photo for Editor's Coroner

I’m here to warn you about the dangers of solar terrorism! The situation is far worse than we had earlier perceived. What if your toilet paper (software) is off the grid? Who flushes first after receiving E-Mail? Can one really downsize at will? What really goes down when your traditional output has been tinkered with after you fall asleep for the night.

I don’t know why I have ascended to the position of town crier on such issues. One advantage of this blind focus is that I can write whatever I want in this column. I can jot down total nonsense and potential readers won’t be too critical albeit there are a few out there (like our enlightened advertisers) who scan these pages with alacrity, celerity, not in search of literary stimulation but for typos and subliminal ink spots.

Nonetheless, it’s vital that we keep a realistic view as to our relative importance in this world and not become disconsolate at what we see in the cosmic binoculars. Why just the other day I spent the entire afternoon watching ants trek across the driveway swept away by the knowledge that they were not watching me. Happiness may be obscurity.

While traveling various designated scenic routes (were these same pathways sordid dumps before the feds came in with their signs?) this month we have discovered an assortment on unrelated truths. The windshield is the catalyst, the metaphor for daydreams, a great place to collect insects, or parts of same.

Anyway, so as to yield to the rambling of a windy corrections editor (below) I’ll get to the point: This month we’ve not covered potential President Forbes and his association with a PR firm that made the fish stick great again. We have ignored the innovative Liposuction Bill now pending in the Senate. We lost our notes on cellphone suppositories. Our staff missed Hillary’s last speech in Brooklyn Heights, forgot to look in on Bernie’s candidacy, missed a chance to photograph a 350-pound man on a full-dress race moped in Placerville, and still hasn’t reached agreement on who or what will be the next governor of Texas.

In our story “Hair Bag Houses High-jacked”, which focuses on ethics cleansing in Pinkyville, it should be noted that a secret Rasta plan to rid the town of Realtors has surfaced too. It is modeled after the new video game “Let’s Bomb Someone Tonight”, which despite all the bullet-proof rhetoric regarding gun control, is selling well.

And so here we sit rubbing knees with the Rockies. Sounds intimate…here in Colona it is. If you’re trying to find our offices look directly behind Winkie’s Feed Lot and just follow the flies. Come the cold weather they’ll be gone. Hopefully we won’t be reduced to burning bundles of 7-ll firewood like that miserable winter of 1974 in Capital Hill.

Thought for the day: “Ain’t nobody hates wind like a mosquito.” – Jingles

__________________________

CORECSHUNS

with Dwin “King” Hevaway,
Executive Corrections Editor

Filing cabinets containing our literary cree and mission statements were regrettably misplaced sometime in the early eighties. The result as you can see is not only a publication lacking a “soul” but also a reprehensible waste of what otherwise may have been useful paper and ink.

A casual perusal of letters received by our office over the last several months has led us to the sad yet inescapable conclusion that various personages within our marginal readership are laboring under a vague although quaint misapprehension that we can read.

The Kente cloth worn by our publisher to various graduation ceremonies wherein he received many honorary degrees and coffee mugs is actually the tartan used by his family during the 11th century before they were kicked out of Ireland for keeping geese (and occasional insobriety).

Summer jobs in our news room advertised as “a stepping-stone to a journalistic career” do not involve journalistic activity per se. Instead of “attractive women only need apply” we meant to say “only attractive women will be hired.” We are an equal opportunity employer as long as you don’t take opportunity to mean any kind of chance.

Vitamin and mineral figures listed on last month’s contents page were based on the assumption that you can digest cellulose. This assumption is true for many of our readers. MSG is present in some of our color lift-out sections but overall, fewer than 30 percent of our calories come from fat.

Retroactive price increases for which we billed subscribers last month are solely for the purpose of keeping this newspaper out of the hands of children. The names of all subscribers whom fail to pay this assessment will heretofore be listed in our bi-monthly “enemies of kids” inserts.

klan on ferris whell copy

 

 INSIDE YOUR PAPER

RV Divas and Monster Minivans
Summer is over and traffic is insane
in Rocky Mountain Lifestyles
Aliens to Paint Chaco Canyon
Anasasi ruins host extraterrestrials
in Decorating For the 21st Century
Erotic Thriller to be Filmed Near Gunnison
Just another fly fishing fantasy?
in Cinema Review
Memorabilia Auctions Expand
Offering body parts, bats and uniforms
In Sports Excess
Genetically Altered Horse Runs
on Plastic, Discarded Appliances
Landfills could shrink with further breeding
in Hay, Dude, Your Barn Door’s Open
Polarization of U.S. Worries Santa
Concerns New Ice Age, Civil War and Intolerance
in Big Brother’s Agenda
Fifty Ways to Lease Your Lover
Mortgage Companies Jump into Dating Scene
in Business of the Day
Plus a whole lot more to eat, drink, roll in and be hesitant to approach.
Pick up your copy wherever Bill Clinton’s Book is sold.

guy reading with cow

 

 

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
How did red tape originate?
Bozo, CB

Dear Bozo
Red tape, as the popular name for official and legal formality and’ delay, originated in England during the eighteenth century and arose from the custom of tying documents in red tape. The custom of tying up papers in such tape dates back several centuries. We find it referred to in an advertisement printed in a London paper published in I658. Sidney Smith did much to popularize it in the satirical sense. Such a word was just what the common people wanted with which to ridicule the delay of government business. It was natural that the ordinary man, impatient for action on his particular case, should ridicule the everlasting tying and untying of red tape which bound the dispatch and document cases.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Do rabbits chew the cud?
Buggs, Telluride

Dear Buggs:
Rabbits and hares are rodents, not ruminants, and do not chew the cud. The popular notion that they do arose from two passages in the English translations of the Bible. Leviticus II: 5 says: “And the bunny, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.” Deuteronomy I4: 7 says: “Nevertheless these ye shall not eat, of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the bunny; for they chew the cud, but divide not the hoof; therefore they are unclean unto you.” These passages present a classical difficulty. Bunny is an old English name for the rabbit and it is a well known fact that there are several species of hare in Palestine. Clearly there is some error either in face or translation. Most modern Bible students are agreed that the word bunny in the Bible refers tot he Syrian hyrax, a small animal about the size of a rabbit. This creature is now variously called badger, bear-rat and rock rabbit, but there was no common English name for it when the early translations of the Bible were made. This, however, does not solve the difficulty, because the hyrax does not chew the cud. Where the English translations use the words rabbit and bunny, the Greek text uses cherogrillus, meaning porcupine, and the Hebrew text uses shaphan, which undoubtedly refers to the hyrax. It has been suggested that the ancient writers erroneously thought that the hare and the bunny chew the cud because they move their jaws as if ruminating or re-chewing. My best to Elmer.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
What was the big wind of Ireland?
Jimmy On-the-Inside, South Dakota
Dear Brophy:
The Irish people of a former generation were in the habit of dividing history into two periods—before and after the big wind. This refers to a storm which began January 6, 1839, and raged for two days and nights along the coasts of England and Ireland. It was the most severe and devastating storm which had ever occurred in Ireland within the memory of a man. Many lives were lost in Dublin and Liverpool, the Irish Sea was strewn with the wrecks of ships and hundreds of houses were blown down in Galway, Limerick, Athlone and other places. Much additional damage was done by fires started and fanned by the gale.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
How did kick the bucket originate?
David, Ridgway

Dear Dave:
The origin of this popular phrase, which means to die, is not known for certain. In one of its senses bucket means a beam or yoke on which anything is hung or carried. It is said that in parts of England, especially in Norfolkshire, bucket is the common word applied to a beam. Pigs are hung to such a beam by their hind legs with their heads down and when they are killed they kick the beam or bucket, and thus the word bucket may have become associated with dying. But this is little more than conjecture. Another theory accepts the word in its more usual meaning, namely, a pail. The phrase, according to this theory, refers to the method of committing suicide by standing on a pail or bucket, tying one end of a rope around one’s neck and the other to a beam, and then kicking over the bucket. In this connection a passage in Shakespeare’s II Henry IV is interesting. This play was first printed in 1597. The passage is: “Swifter then he that gibbets on the Brewers Bucket.”
Pea Green Pal

Dear Pea Green Answer Man
Can moles see?
Batman, Montrose

Dear Batman:
The common garden mole of the eastern United states has eyes, but they are very small and sunken, being almost completely buried beneath the fur and skin. Apparently they serve no practical purpose as organs of sight. If the mole is not totally blind, it can at best merely distinguish between light and darkness. Investigators have found that the eyes are most nearly perfect in very young moles. In the adults they seem to degenerate until they are of no use for vision. Degeneration of these organs has not proceeded so far in the Western or Townsend mole, which often opens its eyes when annoyed.
Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man

What does Hobson’s choice mean?
Mick, Telluride

Dear Mick:
This expression means no alternative; this or nothing. When we are driven to a single course of action we say that we are reduced to Hobson’s choice. The term is said to have originated with the practice of Tobias Hobson, a noted carrier and innkeeper at Cambridge, England, in the time of Charles I. According to the tradition, Hobson had a stable of forty horses which were always ready for the road. When a traveler asked for a horse he was taken to the stable and told that he could have his choice, with one limitation—he must choose the animal standing nearest the door! By this method every customer was served alike and every horse had the same chance of getting a good driver or rider.
Pea Green Answer Man

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foto D Austin

photo by Delinda Austin