White Neighbor Calls Cops on Black Teens For Listening to Country

(Abundance Hails) An elderly woman called 911 on Saturday after “shocking behavior” in her alley. She says the intrusion, allegedly by Black youths, left her in fear of her life.

As she describes it: “Those kids, those noisy, c-c-col…Black kids were out in their alley garage playing Merle Haggert and Tammy Wynette real loud. I said to myself, “That ain’t rap or hip hop…so something must be wrong.  They are guilty of something. I better call the law. They take over the alley. The have those big handlebar bicycles. Some even drive cars and go to school. They talk funny to my cats…”

The police arrived moments later and determined that the youth were not disturbing the peace and tranquility of the landscape. They searched the garage anyway while flashing lights threw the bouncing beams of serve and protect. All they found of interest was a Miles Davis CD which they kept as evidence of having responded on the scene. After a stern warning the heat dissipated and the kids went home.

Meanwhile the neighbor, whose name was not released because she is quite wealthy, is under observation at St Roscoe’s Commercial Hospital. She is said to be worth in the deep millions and does not pay taxes because she’s been declared incontinent.

Her 17 cats, that she claims are not hers, were captured inside the house using snake charming techniques digested on the erotic Irrawaddy earlier in the century. Most are incarcerated inside the ATM machine at the woman’s bank. Customers report receiving a kitty with their withdrawal, a development that moved some and angered others.

Friends say the woman who called the cops does not leave her house and has not for 20 years since the death of Billy Ed, her favorite milking goat. It was the ravenous appetite displayed by Billy Ed that convinced her to give up trying to grow a lawn and instead cover her impressive expanse with paper clips in 2009. She stays inside watching TV news, talk shows, professional wrestling and pharmaceutical commercials, then goes to bed.

“No wonder she’s nuts,” said one resident. “She even gets her groceries delivered from over in Saskatoon and doesn’t drive anymore thank goodness. She began to go downhill fast when she gave up liquor. There are lots of people like her all over this great culture waiting for the last bus ride up the hill. What a waste.”

Meanwhile the father of one of the Black youths was reportedly floored by the accusations.

“It could have been worse. They could have been listening to Carrie Underwood , Hank Williams Jr. or even Elton John. Now that’s white music,” he said.

“Country has its place. I listen to Patsy Cline everyday. Now that music has soul. Some weekends I have a serving of Johnny Cash right alongside my Charlie Pride,” he said.

(Editor’s note: Reported Miles Davis tunes emanating from the lit up police cruiser caused onlookers to wonder aloud if this was somehow connected to what promises to be an ongoing investigation.)

Filed Under: Soft News

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