White House Expands On-Site Cooking Facilities

A revolving chief of staff told reporters here that cooking options and menu expansion will be a top priority at the White House this week. Outdoor grills, expanded storage of perishables, more support staff and cooking classes will make up the brunt of what is being packaged as The Nuevo-American Dining Experience.

“We only serve American here,” said Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders, munching on a cheese enchilada, Tahchin, hummus all wrapped in the Stars and Stripes. We don’t eat anything that even smells like the Mideast or Mexico and we damn sure don’t recycle when we’re finished.”

Coal-powered hot plates donned with the Presidential seal have been distributed to top aides. Tasters have been stationed at each table to test for poison and backstreet hallucinogens. A meat-heavy breakfast, cooked up by the NRA, and a light lunch, catered by local Nazis groups, will feature only processed foods. Dinner is expected to culminate and collude…er…conclude with grilled steaks and chops of endangered species.

At night the Big Guy Toastmaster will offer a few encouraging remarks punctuating these with an Executive Order of the Day. Tonight Trump plans a slide show featuring assorted handshakes with evil despots and human rights abusers. Tomorrow night he will pardon Joseph Stalin.    

Critics say these self-serving eaters couldn’t tell mom’s apple pie from Putin’s borscht and have sold national culinary secrets to the highest bidder under the cover of a free lunch for supporters.

Whether or not the development is related to the cold shoulder extended to a slew of Trump officials in Virginia and Maryland where restaurants refused them service or ostracized them when they arrived to eat. Other Americans have verbally attacked administration officials prompting recommendations that Trump people stay behind an assortment of walls slated to be built soon.

– Tommy Middlefinger

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