(Gunnison) Nutritionists within the academic community here were shocked at a disclosure relating to the alleged fast food gene and the frightening consequences. An eleventh hour discovery by Dr. Melvin Toolovich, Acting Director of the Body Chemistry Department at Western Colorado University, links genetics to insatiable cravings for fast food at distinctive age levels. His findings, as one colleague put it, are “earth shattering”.

In short, Toolovich’s theory strongly suggests that if a man 20 years old consumes an average of four fast food items per week his potential off-spring will be born addicted to this kind of fare. In contrast, if the same man embraces a balanced diet including fruit and vegetables his kids will most likely follow suit. Toole says it’s just like narcotics, guns and hair color.

Toolovitch, working with an unnamed colleague, in the Chemistry Wing at Western Colorado University

“We think this linear body response has mega-burgeoned and can now be traced to the sacred depths of accepted nutritional standards. Unchartered, often unreliable  chromosomes that have fallen victim to other more subtle synthetic temptations such as Twinkies, cardboard tacos, soggy fish, plastic pizza and frozen egg rolls,” the doctor warned. “We’re just chumming at present.”

Currently tests are being conducted to see if simulated patterns are in play when a child breathes his first breath. Fast food bosses and their ad agency concubines are said to be waiting for the final results before commenting.

“We’re concerned that these burger and chicken barons will be jumping into the baby food market if the numbers line up right,” gasped Toolovich. “Can you imagine a greasy meat cheeseburger in a jar? “What can you expect when even our illustrious president lives on the stuff?”

As soon as the preliminary DNA tests are concluded, Toolovich will embrace further speculation in an attempt to determine if American foreign policy is at risk due to the state of decision making apparatus on display in Washington DC. Assisting Toole in this endeavor will be members of the We’re History Department at WCU.

“We’ll be needing about 15 or 20 student volunteers who already exist on junk food to complete our experiments. We may even begin to determine future potential within these ranks,” he explained. “We already know that performance and fast food intake are related so we don’t expect our brighter students to rush to our laboratory.”

– Rocky Flats

“It’s nothing more than a flesh wound…now back to your posts!” – Confederate General Kashmir Horseshoe to his troops, after a Union cannon ball bounced off his punkin’ head during the Battle of Meandering Thistle, 1863.

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