In a departure from our rigid policy of ignoring those currently residing in the White House we present a recap of recent aggression and sociopathic behavior there.

Trump Nominates Self For Supreme Quart

In an attempt to create what he describes as continued job securiy in the federal government president Donald Trump today nominated Donald Trump for the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. “Think of the deals I can make from the high seat,” he smiled. “I look terrific in black.” Close aides showed their loyalty to this flim-flam chief executive by enthusiastically backing his choice. Rumors circulating Pennsylvania Avenue say he hopes to have a planet named after him before leaving the post.

Trump backtracks on golf lessons for refugee children

(Key Lardass) Despite promises to teach every detained Latin child the insides of golf, Donald Trump has now rescinded the offer saying none of them had clubs or shoes. Even their parents (many who have not seen their kids for weeks) have proper golfing gear. Initially the president would have been joined by daughter, Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner but they have been scratched off the members list…persona non grata to a two-faced father.

“The President fears that the two will be in jail and prefers his heralded go-it-alone posture on the links,” said one spineless Republican, who demanded anonymity. “I’ve got to give it to him: Anyone who can play that much golf and still run the country has my blessing. Heck, even Ike didn’t accomplish that feat.”

In what may be a related link the White House has yet to confirm that Donald Trump would caddie for Vladimir Putin if the latter visits the US this fall.

Panic in Chinatown

(San Francisco) The impact of the much publicized trade war has caused erratic behavior here as the price of egg rolls had tripled. In the rest of the country: Bud Lite will soon cost $35 for a 12-pack, and NASCAR tickets will cost 60% more. “Make America Great” caps (made in China) will be out of the reach of most Trump supporters who will be the first to suffer from the imposed tariffs. Big Macs are expected to follow suit with burger heads paying up to $15 for their non-nutritional fix.

Guns and ammo prices will stabilize since they are currently made in the U.S. That too may change if the companies flee the country to stay in the black. Harley-Davidson manuals will be printed in French and German only as the company relocates to Europe due to tariffs on imported steel.

“We’re holding out own for our supportive base,” said White House Mess Secretary, Sarah Serra Huckleberry.

A hurriedly hatched billion-dollar federal program to bail out soybean farmers after prices crashed has been lambasted from every side and, according to financial experts “shows no understanding of high school economics which may appeal to Trump loyalists.”

Late last night a tweet from the White House said “Only losers eat soybeans.”

Filed Under: Soft News


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