Water Off at White House

Trump Rescinds Obama Era Edict on Toilet Seat Responsibilities

(Warshington) Service personnel and Administration collaborators arrived at a dry White House this morning in the midst of a torrential rainfall that closed golf courses and prevented lobbyists from getting to work in the nation’s capital.

The parched mansion’s faucets stopped flowing due to the actions of the local water utility. That public concern admitted to the disconnection saying that despite three late notices and several phone calls there had been no response from the White House.

“As is and has been our strict policy when dealing with deadbeats, we will turn the water back on when the bill has been satisfied.”

The municipal water source did not say whether a deposit would be required to insure continued service but did remark that this was the first time they had had to interrupt services to “a standing President that failed to put the seat down” since prohibiting Andrew Jackson’s jacuzzi use before and after the Trail of Tears way back in 1830.

Oddly the office of the EPA was flooded during the previous evening leading Congressional camp followers to demand a thorough investigation. Many said privately that it was a “clear act of sabotage by persons wishing to further embarrass the President.”

“Heads will roll,” exclaimed Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who also be high a dry these days.

Sanders has been out of the limelight after accusing her boss of textual harassment on more than one occasion in March. Although those charges have yet to be countered it is expected that she will be replaced by one of the President’s caddies, a graduate the Hearst School of Yellow Journalism at San Simeon, who is an ardent admirer of illustrious showman, P. T. Barnum.

The current Press Secretary, a graduate of Ouachita Baptist University (and Little Rock High) was forced to confirm that no one had been tagged with the periodic task of paying the White House water bill. What other duties, missions and daily responsibilities have been left unmonitored was muddled.

“If they can’t pay the phone bill each month what can we expect on follow-up domestic priorities and in the international arena,” asked Les Spine, a Democrat from the Provinces. “I can assure you that Russia, China, Iran, Turkey and yes Syria and North Korea each have paid phone bills due this month. I know because I did the research.”

Whether Huckabee would return to her Annie Get-Your-Gun ministry near bad-country-music-loving Branson, Missouri was not clear.

“It could have happened to any Administration,” she said, moving on the next question before it could be reviewed on instant replay. “The President is mentally fit,” she clamped down clumsily and out of context.

Concurrently Trump has threatened to hold back paychecks at the water department still headquartered in clammy, liberal Washington.

“No water –No checks!” was the despotic Trumpian retort, presented in familiar candor “becoming to this frightened, pampered bully” according to a slew of former employees.

Close aides — quick to remind their tufted idol that the people at the water office did not work for Trump Industries or the federal government — were quick to defuse the threat lest it be manipulated by the evil leftists at CNN or MSNBC.

This seemed to ease his tirade although the Commander in Chief flew into another self-induced spasm when told his television connection would be disconnected in the morning if funds were not received by the end of the workday.

Emergency water supplies have been forwarded and Marine helicopters will water the lawn starting Friday. All White House dependents are in the process of relocating to Trump International Hotel near Freedom Plaza. The American taxpayer is expected to cover for the undetermined tariff.

“All this because job descriptions were not made clear, said a Trump loyalist. “This is a unavoidable  occurrence when we see such turnover.”

Detractors say the water bill thing is nothing compared to the diplomatic snafus coming down all over the world due to a dangerous marriage of arrogance and incompetence residing within the current gov’ment.

In other news President Trump has rescinded an Obama-era decree that calls for White House toilet seats to be returned to seating mode after use.

Saying that none of his female staffers were fence sitters on the issue, architects of the move suggested that indoor plumbing would become a thing of the past anyway soon to be replaced by the Dark Age privies of Plutocratic parlance.

-Fred Zeppelin

Filed Under: Soft News


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