Washington May Change Name

(Seattle) Nothing against George, but the state of Washington is seriously considering a name change. Concerned about the negative association with the other, more fouled up Washington, leaders in the Evergreen State have succeeded in getting the proposal on the November ballot.

Among the ideas for a new name are Columbia, Cascade, Olympia, Chinook, Rainier and Yakima. One splinter group off another splinter group that seeks to join Canada, has proposed to name the state Juan de Fuca, after a Spanish explorer who claimed present day Washington for Spain in 1775. Critics say that name would open the door to all kinds of off-color jokes.

Located in the Northwestern United States, far from the shores of the Potomac, Washington just might pull off this daring coup. At press time it looks doubtful that the United States, already up to its hips in foreign entanglements, will send troops to quell the semantic disruptions.

“First we thought about all-out secession but it didn’t work out so well for the South 140 years ago,” said Abraham Grande-Coulee, self-appointed patriarch of the movement. “Then we thought about joining up with Canada but they’re so British, with the Queen and all, you know. Our Irish-American contingent would never go for that one. Finally it was agreed upon that we would stay where we are in a political sense and  distance ourselves linguistically from the imperialists on the East Coast.”

Grande-Coulee went on to express concern that peoples in other nations might confuse mountainous, forested Washington state with flat, barren Washington DC.

“In the days of a shrinking planet we don’t need that kind of public relations image,” he said.

Federal sources say they’ll take a wait and see approach to the development despite fears that other “at risk” states might join in the fray. Already New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota have expressed passing interest in a name change.

“We can understand that the people there want their own name and not something already taken,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-MA). “To some it would appear that the name Washington was chosen as an afterthought, out of a hat as it were. Maybe they’ll decide on Jefferson. He was nice.” -Melvin O’Toole

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion

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