(National Ragamuffin Association Release — October 19, 2015)

Due to rampant Superfund operations and less than responsible pet enthusiasts, a massive herd of giant poodles is operating in a 15 square mile area south of Gunnison. The drove, lost or abandoned during the summer months, is comprised of what used to be miniature, or “doublewide poodles”. Now, according to authorities, some of the animals have grown to the size of small horses. Used to the good life, these once spoiled, inbred mutants are bad tempered and may attack humans with little provocation.

Although ankle wounds can be painful and in some cases require medical attention the noise level created and the unending, piercing decibel barks are what drives most voyagers insane. Most humans can only keep the lid on for about 24 hours before exhibiting neurotic symptoms such as obsessive scratching, systematic hair loss and an odd fondness for tiny polyester and acrylic doggie sweaters.

The Environmental Protection Agency, which is responsible for tailings removal and other activities in the region, claimed no responsibility for the evolution. Saying that no intentional alteration of genetic material or gene-controlled processes is occurring, the EPA has taken a wait-and-see approach to the matter.

In the meantime hunters are urged to wear industrial ankle protection along with their blaze orange when out searching for game. In addition armed visitors are reminded that poodle meat is not palatable and the hides are worthless to anyone but the most perverted taxidermist.

Gunnison police, alarmed over the growing size of both the herd and individual poodles, say they can do nothing unless the animals drift into their jurisdiction while county state authorities are attempting to confine the animals to their present domain.

– Thumbellina Etchabaron

Filed Under: Hard News


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