(Gunnison) The late Sam Walton, illustrious founder of Wal-Mart, has been seen by several shoppers in the parking lot here. Local police, charged with investigating the possible appearances, have found nothing to suggest that the deceased entrepreneur is back in Gunnison.

“We combed the area searching for any indication that these sightings were valid,” said one officer. “All we found was a lot of chewing gum stuck to the asphalt, a few disoriented bargain hunters and some discarded shopping lists.”

Meanwhile, the climate remains one of desperate procurement with blue light specials and low, low prices strewn over a three thousand mile front.

In nearby Montrose, Walton is said to have attended a breakfast meeting to discuss the reconstruction of that store, located south of town. The facility was burned to the ground Friday when a ditch fire, encouraged by high winds, transformed the former showcase to mindless consumerism into nothing but ashes.

An irresponsible chicken rancher, Melvin Toole, 106, of 448822991166 Road has been charged with stupidity, leaving the scene of a fire, burning without a hazardous waste permit, driving while intoxicated and chronic burnout. The previously paroled palavering  pyromaniac is currently out on bail, and his flame throwing device has been confiscated by police.

Another alleged Walton sighting took place near Almont, where an elderly man was said to have dropped out of the sky and into the full view of some 20 fishermen assembled along the banks of the Taylor River. One of the witnesses told authorities that the strange visitor attempted to sell him a gross of American flags made in Taiwan.

-Uncle Pahgre

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