Bentonville to Beijing

( Montrose) Wal-Mart Corporation is relocating its entire executive complex to Mainland China. The move, announced this morning, is seen as an attempt to get closer to the source of consumer goods sold in the mega stores all over the world.

A vast majority of the products sold by Wal-Mart are made in China.

“We will still wave American flags and greet our customers in English, at least in the US for the time being.,” said a Wal-Mart executive who linked trade deficits with global warming and devil worship.

Controlled jubilation dominated the skyline in the Chinese capital this morning as the news became public. Despite the fact that only a handful of active consumers exist in China the embrace of Wal-Mart was seen as a matter of national pride.

“We don’t intend to go retail right now since our Chinese allies don’t want to see a lot of empty noodle shop storefronts in downtown areas, continued the executive. “We will move in slowly at first gaining the trust of the Chinese consumer, then we will pull the carpet out from under them just like we did in the good ol’ USA.”

The Wal-Mart headquarters will be located in Tiananmen Square next to the 3000-foot high statue of Sam Walton erected by the Chinese after viewing the firm’s sales figures from 2016. Twenty-thousand Chinese serfs are currently constructing the offices. Each floor will feature a McDonalds outlet, which accepts only US dollars.     

Meanwhile back in the USA hungry shoppers still flood Wal-Mart parking lots while their communities fall deeper into despair. Offers to sell US goods in the prospective Wal-Mart retail stores in China were not taken seriously since manufacturing has been shipped off to Latin America.

“For an American the one most unpatriotic act, short of offering aid and comfort to al Qaeda, is shopping at Wal-Mart,” said one consumer advocate. “This is not buying local…even if you live next door. Yet the same idiots that scream about the loss of American ideals and the weak economy shop there. They show up every day of the year wagging their crippled credit cards behind them.”

Economists are baffled by the move saying that burgeoning Hong Kong is a far better fit than is stoic Beijing.

“It sure can’t be the clean air,” said one embassy official. “We have no official position on the matter for fear of offending the Chinese.”

Unreliable sources over at the US State Department say lower level US Wal-Mart employees will be forced into reeducation camps or executed. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Filed Under: Fractured Opinion


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