Vodka reclassified as a vegetable

Much to the relief of millions of imbibers, the USFDA has categorized vodka as a vegetable. All concoctions, whether potato, grain or rye, will now be considered edible plants. It is expected that the libation will now attain a higher level of acceptance by non-drinking elements, even though they may not partake.

The long-awaited decision saw impulsive polka parties breaking out from Warsaw to Wellington. The reclassification allows vodka far less scrutiny by federal agencies and removes the mixture from the grasp of the Department Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, a longstanding control and monitoring group.   

“We now have, in this country, rogue elements distilling vodka from every known natural element from the soil,” said one ATF official who takes hers with soda and lime. “Sure they are illegal distillers and should be prosecuted but now, with the new legislation about to take affect, the waters are murky.”

In a related piece federal agents have conducted some 4000 raids in Colorado alone aimed at illegal stills and distribution networks. According to tight-lipped insiders, many of the mountain tribes there are distilling small batch vodka from their dirty sox, a felony.

“The reclassification of vodka in no way legalizes other non-vegetative procedures akin to the production of liquor,” said the ATF spokesperson. “This has nothing to do with the legalization of marijuana,” she stressed. “People were making barely five star vodka from discarded futons, pine cones and even dry cat food. Something had to be done.”

-Fred Zeppelin

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