Vegan Cows Threatened by Deli Opening

(Wimpton) Organic ranchers up and down the valley remain apprehensive with the opening of Fatso’s Deli just weeks away. The new eatery, which features “a meaty fare”, threatens the cosmic flow in the otherwise vegetarian stronghold.

At best most other residents are oblivious to the lifestyle conflict, preferring to dwell on their own putrid lives and wishing they were on television. County commissars, who approved the restaurant so as to collect “the burgeoning tax revenues of legend and lore”, fear or their pancake jobs while a potential range war threatens to engulf the landlocked region.

“We are fearful of the violence that may ensue,” said Earl MacAdoo who, with his half-sister Moo (pronounced Maw) has operated For Goodness Sake Farms near Mescaline Flats since the cows came home.

Meanwhile lawyers for Fatso’s say the cows have been mollycoddled for too long.

“It’s time they got off the gravy train and found real work,” said Smiles Healy of Judge and Jury Associates, the firm representing the deli.

“I never thought I’d see the day the city people would succeed at placing meatballs on the registry of endangered species,” spat MacAdoo.  “And what’s all this chatter about the cows coming home? Happy cows don’t wander off in the first place. The few that do end up in the gutter or working for the gov’ment.”

Moo echoed these anxieties warning that the deli will be a really bad influence her cows.

“How you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen German potato salad?” she crooned. “I often wonder how the pastrami would fare after a well-choreographed stampede.

– Chicken Fried Jake

“You make me feel so Jung”  – Sigmund Freud

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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