UNDER THE TREE 2018

Live, from the revolving Libido Lounge high atop Pogo City, it’s our annual Christmas Gift Idea Exchange. Featured in this tasteful, yet eccentric catalog are wonderful suggestions for holiday gift giving and receiving. Many are produced by local inventors and available regionally.

SOLAR-POWERED COWBOY HAT – For the cowboy or cowgirl that thinks on his/her feet. Power is stored on sunny days and generated by body heat when the sun goes away. Comes in white, black, brown and hazel. Will not hinder mental capacity for persons who wear hats in bed and to the breakfast table. Safe around cattle and horses. Fits securely to head and will continue to collect energy, whether it is in place or hanging in a pickup. Not suggested for use with coal-fired horse trailers or nuclear cowboy boots. $125 Ralph’s New Age Western stores.

ICE CLIMBING VINE – Just like the one covering the outfield walls at Wrigley Field! Fast-growing, this incredible bit of vegetation will survive in the harshest of climatic conditions. Needing little or no sun the vine crawls its way up any icy surface. It’s a fine gift for the ice climber or botanical enthusiast on the way to the top. Sold by the foot and ankles.

FLAT TIRE IDIOT LIGHT – Finally a useful auto accessory – plugs directly into alternator and is activated by excessive bumping. Perfect for the mindless driver or the person too lazy to check air pressure before a trip. Caution: apparatus will not function if alcohol odor is detected. About $40 installed.

UROLOGIC BOW TIE – The key here is size and the Urologic Bow Tie is purposely out of proportion. It’s so small it makes everything else seem much larger. Microscopic tie clasp and cuff-links sold separately. No implants but minor surgery required. Gift certificates available. St. Roscoe’s Hospital and the Mao Clinic. About $400.

ASSAULT SNOWBOARD – Is there someone on your Christmas list who takes his winter sports seriously? This snowboard is glazed with a mercury-based oleo concoction that assures immediate takeoff. Restraint device attaches directly to the brain for one’s ultimate safety. Stores easily in any large refrigerator unit. Complete with prescribed storm trooper’s footwear, this board is all one needs to carve out a chunk of territory on the slopes. Buy one this year before the feds ban these babies too. For sale at Sub Kulture’s and all Yo Dude Stores. $899.

DANIELLE STEEL COMPANION READER – Do you know someone who has a tough time getting through anything longer than a menu? This reader presents setting, plot, characters and lavish wardrobes in simple, easy to read one-syllable words. From the outside it looks like a regular book, but when it is opened up the larger than life letters jump right out at you as do the full color renditions of significant scenes. Comes with CD or cassette support. In stock at Maggie’s Books. $25.

THY NEIGHBOR’S SILVERWARE – This is not only a very innovative approach to Christmas, but it reeks of subtle frugality. When choosing the proper heist make sure all the stuff matches and is clean. A gift box for the spoons, knives, forks and other pieces can be fashioned from a rectangular jewelry box, which can often be discovered in an upstairs bedroom. As with many of the more creative hands-on Christmas gifts, the silverware concept can vary. Many people prefer to present the utensils in an oak or pine box with a felt liner, while other more utilitarian benefactors simply wrap the merchandise in a swath of linen or just some newspaper and be done with it. Available right next door or down the block. Petty theft guidelines apply.

TIDEWATER GERRYMANDERING WRISTWATCH – Made entirely of tobacco leaves, this low-tar timepiece keeps precise count of hours, minutes and even seconds as eternity slowly passes on some front porch in North Carolina. It operates solely on GOP Standard Time, which is defined as the period after the War Between the States and before civil rights legislation was passed in the Sixties. It’s the perfect gift for the obstinate Senate Foreign Relations Committee member, or for the tobacco executive with those deep, deep pockets. Available at better jewelry stores and tobacco shops. $299.99

HILLBILLY HEAVEN FERTILITY KITE – No self-respecting hilljack should go a-courtin without this gem. Just let out some string and watch her take to the skies. Guaranteed to attract the attention of the opposite sex, as well as water fowl and other game birds. Custom attachment fits right over the family shotgun or can be grounded on bib overall snaps or moonshine stills. No prescription needed. Kite designs come in various shapes and colors. Sold exclusively at all Snuffy Smith Boutiques. $50.

TWINKIE CAR PHONE AND DECORATIVE CANDLE ENGINE HEATER – Security is the name of the game these days and this kit is sure to confuse the car thief or the back seat driver. The phone mounts right to the dash, looking like a discarded Twinkie. The engine heater candle fits right under the oil pan and ignites when the temperatures drop below zero. What a gift for the motor head. Coming in January: The Trash Bag Car Stereo, a disguised audio system that appears to be nothing more than a litter bag. It even has a quart of milk and coffee grinds sticking out of the top for affect. $129.99.

DEMOCRAT BACKBONE JERKY – The ultimate lobbyist’s snack for the holidays comes in a woodsy box or tin. Every month a new batch turns up via the U.S. Mail. All told, the jerky package should last two years. Chow down as you watch elected politicians do nothing about the national debt, welfare and crime despite the sweet talk during the last election. Want to get a turkey out of the White House this holiday season? This could do the trick. Available at all Nelson Mandate Polling Booths and at Packer’s Meats in Lake City. Order before December 23 and receive a miniature Hillary Clinton Doll at no extra cost. $88.99 for two year supply. Slightly more with limited term legislation. What a gift for the petty partisan or the dreamy-eyed incumbent on your list.    

CLOSING TIME COLOGNE – Radiate the seedy side of life. This perfume doesn’t attract much of anything, since the recipient of this gift will smell like a stale, smokey bar. Why spend all that money trying to be somebody? Now you can achieve that loathsome odor right in your own bathroom! Comes in pint or quart for overkill. About $3 in the lotion section of your favorite liquor store. Sorry: No sales over the bar.

PERSONALIZED CRIME BILL – This official government issue comes framed and signed by the very people who are taking care of things down at the Justice Department. Hang it proudly, knowing full well that you and your family are safe. Comes with 9-mm pistol just in case. It’s the ultimate in criminal repellents. $200. Unframed version sells for about 50 cents.

FALSE EYEBROW SET – Most versions are offered at 1/2 price during the Yuletide season. Imagine the fashion statement when you waltz into the room wearing just one eyebrow. Easily installed, this gift comes in a variety of sizes and colors. One fits all the way across the forehead. Another appears to grow from the hairline or nasal passageway. Doubles as a bushy mustache in a pinch. Quasi-Cosmetics. $15.

INVISIBLE WEDDING/ENGAGEMENT RING – Perfect for the man or woman who is not yet ready for a commitment. This simulated gold band reacts to hormonal changes and biological needs by disappearing with the slightest hint of sexual response. Then, after the party is over, it shows back up on the ring finger and everything is all right again. Why let occasional weekend passion ruin a sensible, lasting relationship during the week!

TROUT GRAVY HELPER – This useful gift basket comes with a variety of mixtures including sage trout gravy, salmon egg surprise and garlic endeavor with chives. Not recommended for fish-on-a-stick recipes or flash-boiled kokanee. Just add river water and enjoy perfect gravy every time…especially in camp. Industrial strength potion actually disintegrates bones, scales and head and leaves nothing but a delicious filet. $19.99 for gift set. Sold exclusively at Sporty Sports.

REMOTE-CONTROL EGGPLANT PERUKE – Just like the ones worn by our founding fathers. With this fine addition bad hair days will be a thing of the past. Fits most heads and even stays in place during high winds and other periods of natural disaster or mental anxiety. Made of 100% Canadian eggplant fiber with built-in remote control that keeps locks in place. Resistant to climate change. Organically pleasing too. $300 at Hats are Thats.

ATM CLUB – This handy device keeps crooks at bay while making a cash withdrawal. Fits firmly over ATM machine just like the one on your steering wheel. Endorsed by real policemen and people who dress like them. Detects bad intentions after dark. Most effective when used with large caliber pistol or mace. $75.00. Mail order only.

GEMCO INDUSTRIAL BLENDER – This baby works on pumpkins, squash, melons of all sizes, even basketballs. Stirs, purees, whips, mixes, frappes and liquifies. Makes juice out of anything round. What a party favor or an addition to someone’s culinary collection. Traveling version fits snugly into the average suitcase. Solar model available soon. $17.99 at Ridgway Hardware.

VAMPIRE NIGHT LIGHT – Got a kid on your list who’s afraid of the dark? Buy them this reasonably priced gift and really scare the hell out of them over the holidays. Protruding eyes follow movement and blood drips from the fangs. Plugs easily into any electrical outlet via easy access bat collar. Hums popular Christmas carols in Transylvanian. This stocking stuffer is sure to get someone’s attention.

DUST MITE TERRARIUM AND PERSONALIZED COFFEE CUP – Remind someone on your Christmas list that we are not here alone. Includes millions of busy dust mites in simulated dust particle enclosure. Lid features radioactive microscope certain to detect the behavior of tiny mites at work and at play. The coffee cup displays a large dust mite on both sides and is engraved with the name of the recipient. Give the gift that says you gave a gift this year. $150 at Mighty Mites and all Bugsy’s Boutiques.

MOTRIM MODEM – Just dial the right number and your headache takes a powder. From the people who brought you Target Eye Massage Field Glasses. About $100.

DEAD DICTATORS SING CHRISTMAS TUNES – This wonderful CD represents a tasteful mix of Yuletide favorites. Included are Joe Stalin, Papa Doc Duvalier, Anastasio Somoza, Benito Mussolini, Napoleon and others. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed Nikita Krushcev’s rendition of Deck the Halls backed up by the Fidel Castro Memorial Quartet. $16.95 where specialty music is sold. English version slightly higher.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Filed Under: Reflections on Disorder

Tags:

RSSComments (0)

Trackback URL

Comments are closed.