Tweetie Trumpings

“I will not write about Donald Trump. I will not write about Donald Trump….I will not write about Donald Trump.”  – scribbled on the blackboard in the editorial offices of the Washington Post.

Headlines in 5 of the nation’s top newspapers today begin with the word Trump. It’s all Trump and the Russians, Trump and the GOP, Trump and North Korea, Trump and Trump. They say they detest him but they churn out yards of copy about his every move. Maybe if they would simply ignore him he would explode, melt, or go away.

Here are some top stories as they appear in major dailies from LA to Boston.

Trump Wheels and Deals for Berlin Wall

     President Donald Trump today purchased the notorious Berlin Wall for transport to the American Southwest for installation. Included in the projected purchase are security gates, thousands of feet of barbwire, warning signs, taped broadcasts in German and Russian and three guard towers, instrumental in the deaths of 80 persons attempting an escape from totalitarianism.

The wall, acquired for an undisclosed sum, is expected to arrive sometime in January supporting a slew of campaign promises. Trump told a group of supporters that his wall would create over 40,000 jobs and would be stamped Made in USA upon arrival.

“It will be the best wall ever,” said the president.

It was not clear if Trump knew that the wall had come down in 1989. Unlike most other Trump construction projects, there are no liens against the structure by German tradesmen. Even ideologically bankrupt East German Communists pay their bills.

“We didn’t expect a buyer to emerge,” said one German embassy official. “The wall is in pieces like a jigsaw puzzle, waiting to be hauled off or sold for scrap. This is a very positive development akin to hauling off an old car or a worn out mattress. The money will help Germany’s solar power industry,” he smiled.

“We feel this symbol of repression has found it’s rightful home in the jingo American desert.”

 Meanwhile Trump supporters say the liberals are keeping him from getting anything passed. They say the establishment is out to get him when it is becoming clear he is out to get himself.

“Even a blind, hoarding Congressional invertebrate can see that,” said one concrete finisher.

Trump Pulls Hamstring in Tweet storm

Responding to a Supreme Quart decision that includes a ban on visits to Mar-a-Lago Golf Club, President Trump let loose with a tirade of often angry tweets last night.

Piggybacking the controversial ban on persons from many Arab countries, the Justices voted unanimously to restrict Trump’s time of the golf course.

“I’ll fire them all,” tweeted the president. “My base will not stand for this elitist attack by over-educated dark robes. My executive travel ban targets potential terrorists not the landed gentry, not the opulent.”

According to recent research former TV game show hosts, disgraced politicians and child molesters have been persona non grata in Florida ever since Groucho Marx was caught with a box of Havanas in a Miami hotel in 1962.

Taxpayers are pegged for over one million dollars per day for security whenever the Trump entourage heads south. A spokesperson for the president insisted that the figures are skewed and that the excursions were paid for by lobbyists and not from petty cash from West Wing bingo.

Etch-A-Sketch Score Card Irritates Golfers

The clandestine employment of a monogrammed, disappearing scorecard has drawn the ire of fellow golfers playing with the Chief Executive in both the Sunshine and Garden States. The electronic device reportedly allows for the almost magic substitution of numbers after the scores have been entered.

If a golfer nets a double bogey it is automatically recorded as a par while most putts are documented as sunk. The entire 18 holes are remembered as a liar’s mulligan stew. Just one wipe and it all goes back to square one.

This recent brouhaha might provide some relief to the besieged administration in that it may overshadow embarrassing accusations that Trump failed to pay the band at his Inauguration back in January.

“Why can’t he just cheat with a pencil like everyone else?” asked one Republican senator. “He is under the microscope. With the red tie and orange hair it’s not like he’s blending into the background.”

All this and much more to come from a man who thinks Sharia Law is the name of a prostitute he met during a televangelist conference in Texarkana in 2010.

I will not write about Donald Trump…I will not…

For more on this sad subject please turn to

Leaks Net Brown Spots on West Lawn

-Fred Zeppelin

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk

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